STRANGER DANGER SAFETYNESS

Hey kids! Are you ready for the summer? Can you hardly keep yourselves from counting down the minutes until that final bell rings and you can finally be afforded your sweet, glorious freedom? I know the feeling, and it’s a beaut. But be aware, be a very ware, that with great freedom comes spooktacular stranger dangerousness! And yes, you too are just a heartbeat away from becoming a statistic on the side of the road. But hey, this shouldn’t stop you from having fun! Just so long as you follow these five rules of Stranger Danger Safetyness to the letter.
1. If you’re home alone and a stranger calls, don’t worry! You needn’t lie. If he asks for your mother, tell them she can’t come to the phone right now. She can’t come to the phone, since she is at work. If he asks for your father, just say he’s jerking off in the neighbor’s garden. Again, you’re not required to lie. If he asks for your address to deliver candy, DO NOT lie and tell him you’re diabetic. Strangers can see through lies, and you may think this little lie can pass undetected thanks to HIPAA laws, but there’s no HIPAA law governing your conscience.
2. If you feel threatened after a stranger calls, contact a familiar grown-up, such as a grandparent, great-grandparent, aunt, uncle, older cousin, policeman, fireman, mailman, milkman, meter maid, cable guy, pizza guy, grocers, butchers, or next-door neighbors. In no circumstance should you call your parents, if they cared about you, they’d be there.
3. If the calls are coming from inside the house, you’re screwed.
4. If a stranger comes to the door asking you to sign for a package, you have three options: A. Run up to your room and lock the door until night falls. B. Lure the stranger into the backyard, where all the grown-ups are waiting for him, so they can trap him with their proton packs and take him back to Strangerbuster HQ. C. Open the door, sign for the package, and save it for Mother’s Day, to avoid having to buy anything.
5. If you are abducted by the stranger, don’t fight it. He may be wealthy or magic, and he certainly loves you more than your parents. And that’s one to grow on.