YOUR TWO CENTS WORTH

"Someone should tell those work vehicles to get off their high horse. No one wants to follow you into your work area."
-Des Moines Man

"To the woman who said sarcasm doesn't translate to the printed word, what a genius you are. When do you get your Pulitzer?"
-West Des Moines Woman

"Twinkums! Twinkums"
-East Side Girl

"Meow"
-East Side Cat

"I Live in Clive!"
-Clive Resident

"Kids suck."
Anne Ramsey, The Goonies

"Where did all these auto-mobiles come from?"
-Really Really Old Person

"Can a racist really appreciate a butterfly?"
-Ankeny Moron

"What's the square root of 72?"
-Some kid trying to cheat on his math test

"Hello? Hello?"
-Wrong Number

CORDUROY NINJA

Oh, hi, I didn’t hear you come in. I wish I could say the same for myself. But, alas, it would be a lie. No, I’m fairly audible, which used to be my calling card, my raison d’etre. Now it’s become my comeuppance. I’ve been hoist my own petard, and were petard-hoisting an impressive feat, I’d be bragging about the height my petard has hoist me. But it’s nothing to boast upon. My name? Thought you’d never ask. You may have heard of me, my name was once whispered reverently in certain circles, and a handful of trapezoids, but now those whispers have evolved into guttural snickering. For you see, I am the legendary, lamented Corduroy Ninja.
It is indeed true that I am self-taught, having watched many, many tapes of all the masters: Jackie Chan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sir Charles Norris, Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee, Jet Li, Biplane Li, Helicopter Li, Jason Lee, Ralph Macchio, all the greatest of the greats. But I had to set myself apart somehow. In some way. I tried growing my hair really long, but that affected my vision and attracted chicks into jam bands. I tried speaking with a lisp, but it was slightly detrimental to the tough-guy image I was trying to maintain, plus it drove my cats up the wall. I even tried burning a bag of popcorn on purpose to punctuate my entrance with the microwave meal scent of death, but that just became tacky.
The truth is my signature characteristic came about accidentally. I had made my way down to the local Gi Emporium to purchase my gi, and they were all out. I was unaware of a special they were running. Buy 2 gis and get the third gi free. It was a wild success, and there were no gis left. Dejected, I went home and, being naked of course, searched in vain for something to cover my awe-inspiring anatomy. See, when you devote your life to the ninja arts, you only wear your gi, nothing else. Which makes it easy on your closet, but awkward at the Laundromat. Anyhow, in preparation of that, my wardrobe had been purged like a bulemic chest of drawers. Luckily, I had missed one outfit, the one you see here. At first, I was concerned. How can a corduroy ninja make it in a competitive market of ninjatitude? I decided to follow the advice of my father, who said when life gives you lemons, deal with it. And thus, the Corduroy Ninja was born.
At first, it was slow going. Not many people believed I could be successful. But I was good! Let me show you some of my moves. This one’s called the Weeping Cabbage. This one’s the Stuttering Pamphlet. This is the Sweet Potato of the Sea. The Cha-Cha Stab. The Boxcar Children. And my personal favorite, the Reverse Stonewall Jackson. You’ve probably noticed the noise my pants makes, like the ocean or a frightened eunuch. Yes, it was a problem a couple of times, telegraphing my moves, but I grew to be lightning quick to compensate. Pretty soon, the swishing sound of my pants became synonymous with danger. I started getting assassination requests left and right. And sure, some of them were your garden variety requests, like political figures, business moguls and other ninjas, and the like. But I was getting popular due to my quirk, and other offers started popping up. People wanted me to assassinate their ex-boyfriends, neighbor’s pet, school lunches, time-clocks, credit card statements, the list goes on and on. It was when I decided to assassinate high prices at the boat show that I had jumped corduroy shark. I had become a laughingstock, worse, a guffawingstock. The assassination requests slowly dissipated, like a punctured balloon or a punctured balloon animal. And today, I’m the flawed ninja master you see before you.
And so, in the tradition of my people, I have chosen to assassinate my last victim- myself. For they say there are only two ways a true ninja can die honorably, by his own sword, or old age. And so, I want- wait, old age? I forgot about… Screw this.

TWO LISTS, SOMEWHAT DATED, YOU’LL STILL BE ELATED

PROPOSED SEQUELS/SPIN-OFFS FOR SNAKES ON A PLANE

Drakes on a Plane: A sinister terrorist releases thousands of ducks smuggled onto a plane.

Snakes on a Plane 2: On the Wing: A rogue snake tears apart the wing of an airplane, and drives John Lithgow crazy in the process.

Snapes on a Plane: Passengers of Flight 693 are subjected to Alan Rickman clones, who sneer at them and give them poor marks in Potions.

Frakes on a Plane: Jonathan Frakes suffers a head injury while onboard a plane, and believes he is second in command, forcing the pilot to shave his head and refer to him as Number One.

Crepes on a Plane: A dissatisfied French passenger hijacks the food service tray and forces French cuisine on his fellow passengers.

House Party on a Plane: With Kid N Play!!!
SEQUELS TO BATMAN BEGINS
Batman Continues
Batman Takes a Smoke Break
Batman Begins Again
Batman Starts to Wrap Up
Batman Quits
Batman Defeats Truman

TOTALLY AIRPLANE LISTS!

THINGS YOUR SEAT CUSHION MAY BE USED AS
Flotation Device
Seat Cushion
Kicky Summer Hat
Hide N Seek Spot
Surrogate Father
Falsie
Bullet-proof Vest (once bullet-proof material is added)

OTHER WRIGHT BROTHERS ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Invented microwave popcorn.
Rode bikes everywhere without looking douchey.
Though they were brothers, they neither laughed, talked or walked alike. However, a hot dog did make Wilbur lose control.
Started the whole long-sleeve t-shirt under polo shirt thing.
Both had X-Ray vision, though Orville only had it in his left eye.
Defeated the evil flying feline hybrid The KittyHawk.

15 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME BY MORRISSEY

Because I’m not good enough to merit 25.
1. I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour but heaven knows I'm miserable now
2. My only weakness is a list of crime
3. My only weakness is... well, never mind, never mind
4. My eyes have seen the glory of the sacred wonderkind
5. I wear Black on the outside 'cause Black is how I feel on the inside
6. And if I seem a little strange well, that's because I am
7. I would rather not go back to the old house
8. Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me
9. I started something I forced you into a zone and you were clearly never meant to go
10. I'm the 18th pale descendent of some old queen or other
11. I would go out tonight
but I haven't got a stitch to wear
12. Sixteen, clumsy and shy, I went to London and I
I booked myself in at the Y
13. W.C.A. I said : "I like it here - can I stay? I like it here - can I stay?
Do you have a vacancy for a Back-scrubber?"
14. I thought that if you had an acoustic guitar then it meant that you were a protest singer.
15. I can feel the soil falling over my head

THE DAY ALL THE RAINBOWS RAN AWAY

The day all the rainbows ran away,
There was just sadness in Happyville.
Things were awkward there from that day,
Because you expect happiness with a name like Happyville.

But there were only tears,
And whole lots of them, too.
They fell like rain which was ironic. Cuz you would expect rainbows then, wouldn’t you?

And on the day all the rainbows ran away,
There was extra pressure on the other natural beauties.
Waterfalls and sunsets worked overtime that day,
They, some would say rightly, felt it was their duty.

And it helped just a little,
But it didn’t help a whole lot.
Since the town had basically been snubbed by rainbows,
That kind of thing couldn’t be forgot.

But after a while the townsfolk got over it,
They found other ways in which to cope.
Like painting self-portraits and making banana splits,
They slowly stopped feeling the need to mope.

And when the rainbows finally came back,
No one hardly even noticed they were there.
And the handful of people who’d seen them,
They pretended not to notice and not to care.

And from then on the village pretended the rainbows weren’t there,
Even some were rather hammy,
They were like tomato juice stains or unwanted hair,
Or marathon re-runs of Mama’s Family.

And that was the day all the rainbows ran…
Away!

THE FACTS, AS PRESENTED BY MYSELF

What happened next was this: Gillian, wielding the cake knife as if it were a sword, advanced on the stranger slowly but determinedly. She (the stranger) didn't know what to do, so she raised her hands as if she was the one being mugged. Granted, she (the stranger) hadn't formally mugged us (ie presented a weapon, insisted upon our money and/or valuables, et al) but being a stranger and being in our living room and being in the sorry state of dress and smell, she (Gillian) reacted understandably as though our lives were in peril. Mine and Gillians, that is. After repeatedly stabbing (with the cake knife) the stranger, Gillian suddenly realized that said cake knife was as strange to her as the victim (the stranger.) It was at that exact moment we realized we had been preparing dinner (cake) in a stranger’s (the stranger) house, and apologized as profusely as said stranger was bleeding. It was all a horrific misunderstanding, and as we are both exceedingly wealthy, no charges were pressed, the corpse (stranger) was vanished with no trace of existence. Good cake, too.

YE OLDE FAMILIE FEUDE-UH

As far back as the 1855's the clan Henderschmitt ruled the small hamlet of Scrod with a collective iron fist, made much more fierce by the fact that there were six of them and so there were 29 fingers in that iron fist (poor Clyde lost one of his digits in a tragic gate-crushing-his-finger accident.) There were only two other families who resided (resode? resinded? resided) in the small town, the Mariokarts and the Phenoms. The Phenoms, in particular, were a passive bunch, consisting of mother Ma Phenom, father Pa Phenom and daughter Son Phenom (the ultrasound was faulty.)They spend their days tending to their livestock, and burying their deadstock. On special occasions, they would dress up in each others' clothes and pretend this was an acceptable way to celebrate special occasions. The Mariokarts, on the other hand, were a far more aggressive family. They were four brothers who had inherited the haunted Mariokart mansion, and spent all their time on their front lawn so as not to disturb the ghosts. Luigi, in particular, was a bitter man, taken to spitting at passersby and claiming it was acid rain. The Henderschmitts hated the Mariokarts who hated the Henderschmitts as well. It all came to a head December 18, 1872, when the Mariokarts finally took matters way too far, throwing a half-eaten turkey in the Henderschmitts’ lawn. Civil war broke out. Fist were thrown, curses hurled, feelings wounded. At the end, both families lay dead or dying, nearly twenty-five minutes after the war had started. Today, Scrod is populated entirely by Phenoms, still perfectly passive, though now horrifically inbred.