Some movies are timeless, in that they never seem old or dated. Some movies are timeless in that they never FREAKING END! Conversely, some movies are timely, in that they capture the essence of a specific time and place perfectly, like an old photograph or an outrageous foreign accent. I bring up these types of movies because I do not wish to cover them. No, today I will be discussing dated films that need a serious injection of timeliness stat. These are films that time has forgotten to remember, because they are so deeply entrenched in the past, you would need an entrenching tool to dig up interest for them (note to self: this is the most clever sentence I have ever written. Make sure to proclaim this fact.) Updating them for a What, Me Love the 80’s? generation can and will and is going to be an arduous task, but I am up for the challenge. Or at least part of it.
I have randomly chosen five films that fit my criteria of being suckily dated, and have begun the long, hard, cylindrical process of retooling them for the New Age. The first step is always the title. To that end, I have retitled these movies to make them timelier, more interesting, more good. I have without a doubt succeeded. Need proof? See below.
GRAND CANYON should be renamed THE ARIZONA HOLE. Only pretentio-tards and Anglo-Saxons call it the Grand Canyon anymore. No one will know what your movie is about, and this movie is only about the Arizona Hole (formerly the Grand Canyon.)
CHARADE should be renamed TV TAG. Kids hate playing charades, but they love Cary Grant, Walter Matthau and, to a lesser extent, Audrey Hepburn. The only explanation for this movie’s lack of popularity is that dated, Yuppie-centric name. And the kids, they hate the Yuppies and their posh, spicy games. And since TV Tag is the best kid’s game ever, you’d be raking in the belated dollars.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR PARENTS WERE WEIRD should be renamed GHOST DAD, ROBOT DAD. This would be the best movie ever made.
BIRTH OF A NATION should be renamed KKK AOK and should not be re-released at all.
Finally, MY LEFT FOOT should be renamed ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE USE OF THE REST OF MY BODY, and be reset as a charming Christmas flick with Peter Billingsley, Katie Holmes and the late James Stewart. Jimmy Stewart would play an angel (typecasting!) who helps poor Peter Billingsley overcome the tragic loss of any feeling in his body aside from his left foot, and Katie Holmes teaches him to love again and to also be afraid of her freakish smile.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
SCRIPT DOCTOR: A FEUDAL REVIEWAL
For one, brief, magical moment, I was employed by the good folks at Family Feud. My task was simple: create questions with which to survey the populace. Then I was canned. I guess the world wasn’t ready to answer my questions! Which of course are listed below.
“Name a country you wouldn’t feel guilty about invading?”
“An unpopular use for a Number Two pencil?”
“Potential titles for a sequel to Nell?”
“The most forgettable member of your immediate family?”
“The Bronte sister you normally spank it to?”
“Your grandfather’s favorite racial slur?”
“Name the celebrity whose flesh would taste the most delectable?”
“The most suicidal thought you can come up with?”
“Name a famous Redenbaucher.”
“The most unexpected place you’ve pooped?”
“Name a hat seen in the opening credits of Blossom?”
“The first thing that pops into your head?”
“Name a country you wouldn’t feel guilty about invading?”
“An unpopular use for a Number Two pencil?”
“Potential titles for a sequel to Nell?”
“The most forgettable member of your immediate family?”
“The Bronte sister you normally spank it to?”
“Your grandfather’s favorite racial slur?”
“Name the celebrity whose flesh would taste the most delectable?”
“The most suicidal thought you can come up with?”
“Name a famous Redenbaucher.”
“The most unexpected place you’ve pooped?”
“Name a hat seen in the opening credits of Blossom?”
“The first thing that pops into your head?”
Monday, March 23, 2009
COLLECTED WISDOM FOR THE AGES: A SMATTERING OF ADVICE FOR GRADUATES
-“Live to dream! Dream to live! To dreamlive!”
-“Be proactive, a leader. Be a self-starter, like a haunted car.”
-“Your future is now! Your past is future! Your present is past! Where in time is Carmen Sandiego?”
-“Remember: while there may be a lower-case I in teaim, there is no I in famly.”
-“Whenever I need encouragement, I always think of the immoral words of Helen Keller, the rousing speech she gave after winning the 1952 Olympic Games, ‘I have a dream that one day there will be no Nazis. And my favorite flower is the dandelion.’ It’s sad to think she was later burned at the stake, accused of being a pinball wizard.”
-“The world will keep spinning without you, unless you’re the moon. Stop and smell the roses, give yourself a time-out, make time to bleed, sleep all day on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers for dinner. These are the 4 Steps to Successfulltude.”
-“Beware of offers too good to be true. Don’t buy any magic beans, never French on a first date, don’t fall for any pyramid schemes, or the enigmatic Sphinx Scheme. Don’t go canoeing. It’s not as fun as everyone says it is.”
-“Never forget anything ever. Ever! What did I just say?”
-“Above all, keep your cool and have unsatisfiable expectations. Because tomorrow is always better than it should be.”
-“Be proactive, a leader. Be a self-starter, like a haunted car.”
-“Your future is now! Your past is future! Your present is past! Where in time is Carmen Sandiego?”
-“Remember: while there may be a lower-case I in teaim, there is no I in famly.”
-“Whenever I need encouragement, I always think of the immoral words of Helen Keller, the rousing speech she gave after winning the 1952 Olympic Games, ‘I have a dream that one day there will be no Nazis. And my favorite flower is the dandelion.’ It’s sad to think she was later burned at the stake, accused of being a pinball wizard.”
-“The world will keep spinning without you, unless you’re the moon. Stop and smell the roses, give yourself a time-out, make time to bleed, sleep all day on the sofa and eat Nilla Wafers for dinner. These are the 4 Steps to Successfulltude.”
-“Beware of offers too good to be true. Don’t buy any magic beans, never French on a first date, don’t fall for any pyramid schemes, or the enigmatic Sphinx Scheme. Don’t go canoeing. It’s not as fun as everyone says it is.”
-“Never forget anything ever. Ever! What did I just say?”
-“Above all, keep your cool and have unsatisfiable expectations. Because tomorrow is always better than it should be.”
Friday, March 20, 2009
DRUG SAFETYNESS!
Drugs is bad. But not as bad as grammar can have been. Irregardless, the first sentiment still stands. The one about drugs. Yet, despite this cold, hard, cylindrical fact, drugs are exceedingly popular. Everyone and their father are doing them! Conclusion: you must do drugs. Otherwise, you will be cast out of society like Andre 3000. However, since drugs indeed are dangerous, it is important to proceed with caution when consuming, purchasing, even referring to them! Be careful! You could die! Do not abuse or overuse drugs like exclamation points! But don’t freak out, li’l Joey Christmas. Just follow these four simple rules of Drug Safetyness, and you will be considered cool by everyone and their fathers.
1. Everything in moderation! Drugs can sometimes be (and always are) highly addictive, so be careful out there. Limit yourself to 75 tokes/150 pills/96,000 injections a day and a sensible meal for dinner, and you should be well on your way to Executive Druggie status. As the Eagles famously sang, “In a New York minute, oo-oo-oooooh!”
2. Know your lingo! Only doctors and squares call drugs by their scientific (or slave) names, so whenst perusing your local pusher’s, ask for your poison of choice by its real name. These can include pot, coke, crack, crank, krunk, crinkle, crakes, doobies, spleefs, reefers, pleefers, horses, DeForrest Kellys, plankton, e, z, x, jay, ray, walston, acid, magic bus, and/or party poppers. Bet you can’t eat just one!
3. Avoid the fuzz! Everybody hates a buzzkill, and cops are the most notorious buzzkillers: they have a gun! So don’t befriend or marry or siblingize any Johnny Laws, and keep that thin blue line intact.
4. Above all, have fun! Drug abuse is about good times, inappropriate laughter and the sweet sweet sweeeeeeet sweet high. Just relax, turn on, drop in, fall out, and skip to you and your father’s lou. As the Eagles famously sang, “Hey hey we’re the Eagles, and people say we eagle around.”
1. Everything in moderation! Drugs can sometimes be (and always are) highly addictive, so be careful out there. Limit yourself to 75 tokes/150 pills/96,000 injections a day and a sensible meal for dinner, and you should be well on your way to Executive Druggie status. As the Eagles famously sang, “In a New York minute, oo-oo-oooooh!”
2. Know your lingo! Only doctors and squares call drugs by their scientific (or slave) names, so whenst perusing your local pusher’s, ask for your poison of choice by its real name. These can include pot, coke, crack, crank, krunk, crinkle, crakes, doobies, spleefs, reefers, pleefers, horses, DeForrest Kellys, plankton, e, z, x, jay, ray, walston, acid, magic bus, and/or party poppers. Bet you can’t eat just one!
3. Avoid the fuzz! Everybody hates a buzzkill, and cops are the most notorious buzzkillers: they have a gun! So don’t befriend or marry or siblingize any Johnny Laws, and keep that thin blue line intact.
4. Above all, have fun! Drug abuse is about good times, inappropriate laughter and the sweet sweet sweeeeeeet sweet high. Just relax, turn on, drop in, fall out, and skip to you and your father’s lou. As the Eagles famously sang, “Hey hey we’re the Eagles, and people say we eagle around.”
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
PERSONALS? PERSONALS!
WOMAN SEEKING MAN SEEKING HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE: SWF, mid-30’s, white hair, bloodshot eyes, seeks male who has misplaced large heat-seeking missile. I found it. I found it in my kitchen. Description: large, silver, phallic. Answers to the name Lockheed. Please retrieve ASAP, or prior to my dinner party.
GIRL SEEKING UNICORN: Seven-year-old brunette female seeks magical, flying unicorn for adventure, excitement and bragging rights. Must cater to my every whim, poot rainbows and hate Sheila Steiner. No fatties.
MEMBERS ONLY JACKET SEEKING MEMBER: Bright red, awesome Members Only jacket, shiny, stylish, kick-ass, seeks body to be worn upon. Applicants must be equally awesome, stylish and kick-ass, and (though this should go without saying) Members Only! All others need not apply. Join me for the kind of fun other Members whisper to each other about, get into exclusive basement apartments and LAN parties. Change your life forever!
HOBO SEEKING SANDWICH: 45-year-old homeless gentleman, tattered clothes, five-o’clock shadow, slightly smelly, incredibly drunk, seeks Dagwood sandwich for companionship and consumption. Enjoys lite jazz, hiking and spicy mustard. Has been known to go on religious tirades and pee in window boxes, often at the same time! Fatties welcome!
PREMISE SEEKS SUITABLE CONCLUSION: Personal ad spoof searching for proper ending, must be concise, silly, and concise. Does not have to make sense, or even be particularly funny (see the rest of the site.) No meta-references, please.
GIRL SEEKING UNICORN: Seven-year-old brunette female seeks magical, flying unicorn for adventure, excitement and bragging rights. Must cater to my every whim, poot rainbows and hate Sheila Steiner. No fatties.
MEMBERS ONLY JACKET SEEKING MEMBER: Bright red, awesome Members Only jacket, shiny, stylish, kick-ass, seeks body to be worn upon. Applicants must be equally awesome, stylish and kick-ass, and (though this should go without saying) Members Only! All others need not apply. Join me for the kind of fun other Members whisper to each other about, get into exclusive basement apartments and LAN parties. Change your life forever!
HOBO SEEKING SANDWICH: 45-year-old homeless gentleman, tattered clothes, five-o’clock shadow, slightly smelly, incredibly drunk, seeks Dagwood sandwich for companionship and consumption. Enjoys lite jazz, hiking and spicy mustard. Has been known to go on religious tirades and pee in window boxes, often at the same time! Fatties welcome!
PREMISE SEEKS SUITABLE CONCLUSION: Personal ad spoof searching for proper ending, must be concise, silly, and concise. Does not have to make sense, or even be particularly funny (see the rest of the site.) No meta-references, please.
Monday, March 16, 2009
A COUPLE TWO LISTS
ELEMENTS OF STYLE
Zach Posenite
Pradanium
Hypercolor
Michael Korsiniumate
Bedazzled Radium
Acid Wash
Guccisumite
De La Rentagen
Midriff Barium
Swatch
CHRONOLOGY OF A ROCK BAND
Jefferson Pterodactyl
Jefferson Ladder
Jefferson Catapult
Jefferson Dirigible
Jefferson Airplane
Jefferson Helicopter
Jefferson Magic Jammies
Jefferson Hovercar
Jefferson Starship
Jefferson Reanimated Pterodactyl
Zach Posenite
Pradanium
Hypercolor
Michael Korsiniumate
Bedazzled Radium
Acid Wash
Guccisumite
De La Rentagen
Midriff Barium
Swatch
CHRONOLOGY OF A ROCK BAND
Jefferson Pterodactyl
Jefferson Ladder
Jefferson Catapult
Jefferson Dirigible
Jefferson Airplane
Jefferson Helicopter
Jefferson Magic Jammies
Jefferson Hovercar
Jefferson Starship
Jefferson Reanimated Pterodactyl
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