PERSONALS? PERSONALS!

WOMAN SEEKING MAN SEEKING HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE: SWF, mid-30’s, white hair, bloodshot eyes, seeks male who has misplaced large heat-seeking missile. I found it. I found it in my kitchen. Description: large, silver, phallic. Answers to the name Lockheed. Please retrieve ASAP, or prior to my dinner party.

GIRL SEEKING UNICORN: Seven-year-old brunette female seeks magical, flying unicorn for adventure, excitement and bragging rights. Must cater to my every whim, poot rainbows and hate Sheila Steiner. No fatties.

MEMBERS ONLY JACKET SEEKING MEMBER: Bright red, awesome Members Only jacket, shiny, stylish, kick-ass, seeks body to be worn upon. Applicants must be equally awesome, stylish and kick-ass, and (though this should go without saying) Members Only! All others need not apply. Join me for the kind of fun other Members whisper to each other about, get into exclusive basement apartments and LAN parties. Change your life forever!

HOBO SEEKING SANDWICH: 45-year-old homeless gentleman, tattered clothes, five-o’clock shadow, slightly smelly, incredibly drunk, seeks Dagwood sandwich for companionship and consumption. Enjoys lite jazz, hiking and spicy mustard. Has been known to go on religious tirades and pee in window boxes, often at the same time! Fatties welcome!

PREMISE SEEKS SUITABLE CONCLUSION: Personal ad spoof searching for proper ending, must be concise, silly, and concise. Does not have to make sense, or even be particularly funny (see the rest of the site.) No meta-references, please.