LOOK OUT! PTERODACTYLS!! RUN!!!: AN INTRODUCTION

Greetings, False Moustache readers! Over the next three weeks or so, I will be posting serially, in its entirety, with all the bells and whistles and stage directions, Look Out! Pterodactyls!! Run!!!, a Hilarity in Ten Monologues. I’m a big fan of this play (and myself in general) so I’m excited to present this to you via the internet, but before I do, I wanted to warn you: those déjà vu symptoms you feel, there’s a reason for those. Some of the jokes which appear in this magnum opus of mine have previously appeared right here on this very blog upon which you read right now. One of them is essentially a post repurposed for the play (which is old enough that I’m sure no one has read it, so good news for me!) I considered rewriting, but I just think they work so gosh-darned well in the context that I decided to leave them in. Hey, it worked for W.C. Fields. And everybody read his blog! So please, read on, read aloud if you must, bleep the dirty parts if you’re at work, and definitely let me know what you think. As long as you really, really like it.

THE BIG GAME

It was homecoming in Super Grover's Corners, and the local high school football team, The Crazy Cats, were taking on their big rivals, The Mighty Midgets. Dirk, Star Quarterback was filled with a mixture peppiness (from the Pep Rally) and cocksureness (from the Cockfight.) And yet there was still a sense of uncertainty, anxiety. Could he really win big for his team? His girlfriend Betty, Head Cheerleader had baked him celebratory cookies and partaken in the Annual Pre-Homecoming Dry Hump the night before, but there was still a lingering sense of dread, like a dead guy moldering in a linen closet in the wee hours of the night, or a freaky-looking ceiling fan, either or.

Reginald, the Evil Quarterback of the Mighty Midgets sneered at Dirk from across the county. "You'll never win this year, making it 12 straight years in a row!" he shouted to no one in particular, but generally to the Crazy Cats. Indeed, they had been the champions due the purity of their hearts, and the badassitude of their football skills. The townspeople generally rooted for the Crazy Cats, unless they were Midget alum, or evil or both, or new in town and didn't know better.

At last the previous paragraph ended and it was the Big Game. The Cats scored with an end-run pass and run to the end zone run pass. The Midgets diabolically scored through deceit and ten-hut touchdown passage. Then the Cats grabbed a fumble and scored a spike tackle field goal! The cheerleaders cheered! The crowd crowed! The mascot masked! It was exciting? Yes, it was exciting.

Then the score was tied suddenly and arbitrarily. Dirk was up for his big game-winning moment. He called the team in for a caucus. "Men," he said, "this is an auspicious moment. I'm about to win us the game. So just follow my lead and don't get in my way." They all magically agreed. Then they formed the football lineup thingy. The ball was snapped. Reginald went in for a tackle. Denied! He talked to the hand. Dirk kicked the ball directly through the goalpost. Swish! It was a miracle. Jesus took the wheel and carried Dirk through a series of footprints to victory for our sins. And the crowd wept and the cheerleaders almost died right there from pride. The Mighty Midgets escaped in their escape pod/school bus, vowing revenge and vengeance and to avenge this night. But Dirk knew the moment would last forever. There was no avengeance to be had. He was the greatest hero in the universe and that was all that mattered at that moment.

The years have been kind to Dirk. Every year, like a clockwork fruit, he wins the homecoming game. Betty is 95 years young and extraordinarily senile, but Dirk doesn't care, not all that much anyway. All that matters is The Big Game. The Big Game.

The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game.

The Big Game.

ACTION FIGURE WAREHOUSE LIQUIDATION SALE!

Everything Must Go! Many of your favorite action figures are on sale and need to be snatched up but good. But hey! Don’t forget these lesser-known-but-still-as-much-fun-and-someday-potentially-as-valuable-as-well.

-MOTORCYCLE COP: When Dane Patrick, the original Motorcycle Cop, was slain in the line of duty, his title and superpowers were passed on to Davey Datsun, a young cop who, once he dons the official helmet (included) and motorcycle (sold separately) becomes Motorcycle Cop! There can only be one (until the precinct buys another motorcycle.)

-FULLY-ARTICULATED LASS: Suzie Stormdoor fights evildoers through the use of all of your joints, including elbows, knees, shoulders, wrists, ankles, neck and knuckles. Fully-Articulated Lass can fight, dance, crouch, pivot, fold, spindle, and mutilate. And other things, too! So, so many other things. Imaginative!

-MAIL-ORDER POSTMAN: Meet Bruce, the Mail-Order Postman. He delivers himself! Convenience and excitement! Comes with other people’s mail! Illegal!

-SISTER OF FRIEND OF FLASH GORDON: Flash, Savior of the Universe! Linda Frizly is just a mild-mannered Administrative Assistant, but her brother Shane is friends with Flash Gordon! He says they went to the same technical college, and has pictures to prove it! Be two degrees from the King of the Impossible with this action figure, if you dare… to be two degrees from the King of the Impossible with this action figure.

-MOSTLY MOZART: The child prodigy has been reanimated to wreak havoc across the known universe! The evil Doctor Unibrow exhumed the corpse of the 17^th-century Austrian composer to lay siege on the universe and maybe compose some classical music and do the goofy butt thing from the movie. Alas, not all of the musician’s body could be used and the Doctor was forced to replace bits and pieces with other dead bodies. The ass is actually donated from the body of Salieri. Irony!

-CAT’S IN THE CRADLE KID: Young Harry has the amazing ability to be neglected. Order now and promise to play with him- then don’t! Repeat ad nauseam. Father figure not included.

-SK8ER BOI: An Avril Lavigne joke. Dated!

-LIFE-SIZE FRANKLIN PANGBORN: Now you can own everyone’s comedic foil, from W.C. Fields to Preston Sturges, Red Skelton to “Spanky” McFarland. Recreate your favorite moments from International House, Christmas in July and The Story of Mankind. Snooty, fussy, and just a wee bit “sissy,” the Life-Size Franklin Pangborn stands for everything good in life. But hurry and get yours today, there are only 96,000 in stock!

GOOD COP/BAD COP

Good Cop always looks both ways, regardless of the situation.

Bad Cop mixes his plaids and wears argyle and navy blue together with abandon.

Good Cop is critical, but not hypercritical (i.e. the sex was good, but not hypergood.)

Bad Cop has a heartbeat that goes, “Lub-dup, lub-dup, muthafucka!”

Good Cop makes an effort to start his day with a healthy, balanced breakfast and a conceited effort to wait until the very end of the day to evacuate it.

Bad Cop takes illegal drugs- over the counter!

Good Cop plays tenor sax at his Kiwanis Club meetings, which members admit is jauntily unnecessary.

Bad Cop licks the wrong side of postage stamps and returns them to their rack at the Post Office.

Good Cop always wears a crisp white shirt and Windsor-knotted black tie and always dresses to the left so everyone can keep tabs on his junk.

Bad Cop refuses to get his pet vaccinated for rabies because he doesn’t want a retarded kitten.

Good Cop visits his grandmother in the nursing home every day and gives a Power Point presentation on his day.

Bad Cop writes erotic fan fiction about Daniel LaRusso and Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.

Good Cop knows when he’s overstayed his welcome and leaves without saying good-bye or letting anyone know he’s left, so he won’t be a bother to anyone.

Bad Cop visits Banana Republic dressing rooms just so he can fart in their fancy pants.

Good Cop recycles everything, even picking through his neighbor’s garbage to remove their recyclables.

Bad Cop purposefully misuses punctuation marks;

NOTES FROM AN EARLY DRAFT OF NEVER TEAR US APART BY INXS

I was standing… You were there.

No, you weren’t there, you were there… I was kneeling.

Wait, you were a different there; I was in a squatting position.

I was supine, you weren’t there at all, it was somebody else. And they were there.

We all have wings, but some of us don’t know why.

Or, most of us have wings, and the rest of us know why they have wings, but not all of the time. Some of us know why we have wings some of the time, all of us have wings some of the time, but not all of us know why all of the time.

Wait! Wait! Nobody has wings, some of us know why, or wait, everybody has wings and everybody got them at the same time so we all know why, but you forgot why. Yes!

If I hurt you, I’d make wine from your tears.

If you were sad on account of me, I’d brew coffee from the grounds of your sadness.

Your tears taste like sports drink.

If I insulted you, I’d take that insult and make Insultonade.

If I angered up your blood, I’d totally turn it into Diet Rite. For you.

THRILLING CAR CHASE DIALOGUE!!!

In a car racing down the street.

A: No! Don’t go left! Go right, right! No!

B: Too late, I already turned left, whatever are we to do, whatever are we to do?

A: Circle around the block, circle it, circle! No! Don’t pull into the driveway and back out again! Don’t! They’ll catch us for sure! At least turn off your headlights, it’s rude!

B: Too late, I couldn’t help it! Headlights ahoy!

A: They’re on our tail now for sure, you bet, hot soup! Hot soup!

B: Look out look out look out look out look out look out! Crash! Wait, no crash! We made it.

A: We’re not out sight yet, hold onto your potato bugs. Just keeps your eyes on the road and metal-to that pedal.

Another car.

C: Shifting gears is a cinch, we’ll have those criminals in our headlights in no time!

D: There they are, look out and keep up! Ride their tail like a flea on a dog, only less itchy. They won’t signal their turns, not in a car chase of this magnitude.

C: Exceptional excitement, we’re having here! Squealing tires and bing-bang-boom brakeage.

D: I choose not to put it better myself, compadre!

C: I just hope my sudden and inopportune narcolepsy doesn’t strike suddenly.

D: Don’t jinx the bullfrog, boy! We need to stay on these felons like a cat on a hot tin roof in heat that looks like a slutty cat!

C: It’s too late, oh no! Snore! Snore!

D: Wake up, wake up! Oh, the slumbering humanity!

Back to the first car.

A: I think we lost them.

B: I think you lost me.

A: No way, baby, I got you right where I want you. In the rearview mirror of my love.

B: I can’t believe you just said that.

A: Me neither! Look out!

B: Aaaaaaaaah!

A: Aaaaaaaaah!

Their car drives, swerves and Tokyo drifts through a house full of antiques, a dog show, a museum, The Grapes of Wrath, Who By Numbers and several rare expensive antique vases. They emerge unscathed, unfettered, underworse for underwear.

Back to the second car.

C: I’m up! I’m up! What’d I miss?

D: You slept through the car chase, the wedding, our honeymoon, our kidses birthdays and graduations and our retirement parties.

C: How was the cake?

D: Indescribable! In a word: cake.

C: Look out! I’m gonna cry!

D: Hit the brakes of your tear ducts like a crawdad, I was just kidding. You’ve only been asleep for twenty minutes. We’re at the bottom of a lake is all.

C: Fuh-shoe! I almost just about back there!

D: Get us out of the lake!

C: Too late!

D: No! Stop, shark! Don’t bite, no!

They are eaten by a shark.

The End.

SCHOLASTIC BOOK CLUB CATALOG- FOR KIDS!

Hey kids! We here at Scholastic have done it again! Our authors have written waaaaaaay too many books for their own good and we are forced to offer them at a discount to you beginning readers. As your parents and teachers know, reading is surprisingly important for snotty little precocious kids like you and your prettier sister, in order to make your brain grow big and strong and meaty, so you’ll remember to do the important things in life, like breathing, eating, hunting, tying your shoes, prancing and strumming, cleaning up after yourself and your prettier sister, atoning for your sins, and paying for your candy and toys BEFORE reselling them on the internet. So buy as many of these books as you possibly can, to realize your potential as a future CEO and consumer and owner of multitudes of books. Get to it, times a-wasting!

GARFIELD: BIGGER THAN THE WORLD- The latest collection of Garfield captures our own favorite fat cat doing what he does best, eating, sleeping and thinking in English- sarcastic English! Watch as the fattest cartoon tabby in this catalog terrorizes Odie, Jon, Nermal, Liz, Lyman, social niceties, Conservatism, Big Tobacco, Medium Tobacco and all your favorite characters. You’ll be rolling in the aisles (of your classroom!) with laughter when you finish this book, because the funniest strip is the last one! No peeking!

MURDERED BY THE ORIENT EXPRESS- A cast of colorful ethnic caricatures is systematically and brutally all at once and at the same exact time when a train runs them over. Whodunit? Was it the conductor? Yes.

THE FLAMMABLE ABC’S & 123’S LEARNING BOOK- Now you can learn the alphabet and increase your math skills while avoiding third-degree burns! Watch out! The Flammable ABC’s & 123’s Learning Book encourage young readers to learn- and fast- or they’ll char their precious flesh and possibly burn down their very own house! Count quickly and spell as if your life depends on, because odds are very likely it does, kids! We’ve also included the Flammable Fire Safety Pamphlet, which teaches you the basics, such as Stop, Drop and Roll, don’t touch hot surfaces and put down that burning pamphlet! Yes, The Flammable ABC’s & 123’s is a fun and exciting way to brush up on your basic skills and remind you of your very own mortality. Is that gas you smell, or education? Answer: Both!

1986 GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS- Complain if you must, but we all know that no new records have been broken in the past 25 years or so. It’s always going to be the same picture of that creepy witchlike lady with the long, curly fingernails and the fat twins on motor scooters and none of this has changed or will ever change. Never. Life is full of constants, which is what the Guinness Book is here to remind you. Freak people will always be freak people. Sorry, nerds! Also, the world is boring despite the presence of freak people. Sorry, non-nerds!

THE STORY PROBLEM BEHIND THE STORY PROBLEM- Michael Learnedish, author of the adult self-help tomes, “White Man, Colored Parachute,” and “Give Me Back My Cheese!” has turned his attention to the younger generation in this book about discovering the true meaning of the nature of the secret of things. The Story Problem Behind the Story Problem encourages kids to look beyond the empirical evidence of the question being asked to the true nature of what is needed to be known by the question which is being asked and beyond. Why exactly does Farmer Brown leave at 6:15 on the dot and travel in a parallel line with the 6:15 train and what’s the significance of their going to the same destination? Why are there 17 eggs and only 2 baskets with which to carry said eggs? When will you use this junk in real life? None of these questions and fewer aren’t unanswered in this book.

THE NEWBERY AWARDS: AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY- Noel Coward once famously quipped, “Ah, yes, the Newbery Awards…” We couldn’t have put it better ourselves. The Newbery Awards: An Illustrated History offers a complete history of the ups and downs, highs and lows, the talls and the shorts of the most glamorous children’s book award ceremony outside of the Caldecott’s. Includes full color, scratch ‘n’ tear photos, amusing anecdotes and behind-the-scenes hook-ups. See Gary Paulsen and Sid Fleischman’s infamous kissfight! Lois Lowry fist-punching E.L. Konigsburg in the breadbasket! Read about Cynthia Voigt and Beverly Cleary drinking each other under the table! And get Laura Ingalls Wilder’s sardonic take on Newbery “Honors.” Scandalous, educational, cheap!

MEIN KAMPF 2: THE KLAMPFS- Picking up where the classic fascistic original left off, Mein Kampf 2: The Klampfs expands on Hitler’s legacy to include more recent examples of his ideology. Read about such classic Hitlerisms as Universal Health Care, performance-enhancing drugs, waging war for any reason, keeping music from being downloaded, and the rise of Dane Cook. Fun for all ages, and most creeds!

From English from Japanese and the post of the extension absent apology which is done again to translate in English

Today reader! I me apologize extended absence, (you compared to you make the center raise to the favorite still? Or Jane Fonda?) The semi- systematic post me all means the fact that joke the fact that it is good is conceived or, life of which inspiration, the other project where scarcity and my time are required, should return because my time is required well at once (with). In addition if next it translates that for the second time in Japanese and English, perhaps you can understand this post. But perhaps it is not. Because you call that, it is broken and there is an eye. Do to divide that, do to divide, divide!