DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF DOZENS!

Dozens! Who knows why they call it that? Seriously, because I have no idea. Also referred to as snaps, not because of a resemblance to cowboy shirts, but because of the, “Ah, snap!” utterance following a particularly good dozen. Most people may also know this as Yo Mama jokes, and I while I’ve never competed on the professional circuit, I am the Supreme Chancellor Champion of Dozens. Need proof? See my myriad examples belowards:
-Yo Mama is so fat, she has more chins than the phone book!
-Yo Mama is so poor she bought her wedding dress off the rack!
-Yo Mama is so ugly she tried talking with the man in the mirror, and he reversed the charges!
-Yo Mama is so stupid she can only recite Pi to 76 places!
-Yo Mama is so boring she’s like American Literature of the 19th Century!
-Yo Mama is so paranoid she won’t list her phone number!
-Yo Mama is so last week I had to look at a calendar to remember her!
-Yo Mama is so unbelievable her entire Wikipedia entry is flagged as, “citation needed!”
-Yo Mama is so Raven she replaced Keshia Knight Pulliam!
-Yo Mama is so French she still has an accent- a French accent!

PREDINATOR: MEMORABLE QUOTES

So, while my dream movie, Predinator, has yet to be realized, I do have a tag line and a yacht-load of memorable quotes all set for the fine folks at IMDB. And, once I’ve worked out the small details of the rest of the characters and what the movie is actually about, I’ll have a classic on my hands. All over my hands!
TAG LINE: He’s not half-assed. He’s all-assed. All Bad-Assed!
MEMORABLE QUOTES:
Dixon: Corporal United States! Yer gonna spew yer digested food when you see this!
Cpl: Make me. Go ahead.
------------
Cpl: I hope you brushed your mutant-freak teeth, said your mutant-freak prayers, and put in your mutant-freak Soothing Sounds of the Ocean CD, because it’s mutant-freak bedtime for you, mutant-freak! (Shoots Predinator, Predinator escapes!) I’ll make you pay for your mutant-freak insolence! Stand still while I am eradicating you!
--------
Moira: You look like the bottom of a dog’s kennel, after that dog has pooped and peed and pooped and peed in it.
Cpl: But I feel like a million small, unmarked bills. (They sex each other.)
--------
Dixon: That-that… thing tried to rip my famous face right off of my skull! It was worse than my ex-wife, trying to rip my face off of my skull at the divorce settlement.
Cpl: Did she rip off your balls instead, pussy? (They sex each other.)
--------
Predinator: Come with me if you want to live- in Hell.
--------
Scientist #3: And the Predinator is an unstoppable force! Nothing can kill it! Nothing!
Cpl: Someone forgot to tell me that.
Scientist #2: We’re telling you now.
Cpl: Don’t correct me in the middle of while I’m quipping!
--------
Moira: Corporal United States, you don’t have to do this! I… I love you.
Cpl: But that is why I do have to do this. I slaughter so you love me.
Moira: (Totally swooning) You’re such a romantic!
Cpl: Me, too.
--------
Dixon: Sweet Sister Margaret Muldoon! That freak-mutant filleted us like a dick-beaked duck!
--------
Cpl: Kiss my United States Ass, Predinator!
Predinator: Avec plaisir! (They sex each other.)

PROFILES IN PROFILE: MOLLY PAULSEN, FASHION DESIGNER

The fashion industry is abuzz like so many obnoxious mosquitoes over the latest and all-time greatest designer, Molly Paulsen. Paulsen has single-handedly revolutionized the industry by crafting unique accessories through untapped and recycled materials. Some of her most famous and sought after pieces include a skirt made from the cries of Malawi children, sunglasses for your Maltipoo, fishnet stockings for your fishnets, and a porkpie hat composed entirely of Walter Matthau.
A graduate of the West Point Military Academy of Design, Paulsen apprenticed with the great Jean-Luc Frente, who in turn was apprenticing her, in a complex and not-at-all possible student-teacher exchange program. Working her way up through the rather unglamorous world of safety-wear (where she pioneered the three-piece Hazmat suit, denim life-preserver vest, and mono-goggles, the monocle safety goggle for super-villains and hoi polloi,) Paulsen quickly made a name for herself, and soon was asked to return that name to its rightful owner, Ricky Green. It was a lesson Paulsen wouldn’t soon forget, but eventually forgot, nonetheless.
Here are just a few of the quotable quotes that have been bandied about like so many mosquitoes by the Fashion Industry Giants:
-“Hot! Hot! Hot! Okay, now that I’ve put down that potato, let me tell you my opinion of Molly Paulsen. Guffaw!” NY Times.
-“Like Yves St-Laurent meets Picasso for lunch, and Picasso orders a salad. Hip, trendy, edgy, now, fierce, friendly, raven, writing desk, butterfly, beautiful, buzzword.” Vogue
-“Rarr! Grr! I’m a Fashion Industry Giant! Smash! Crackle!” Tyra Banks

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE, THERE’S AWESOME: A PRO-TOBACCO ESSAY

Hey you! You with the teeth! Let me ask you- are you a smoker? And no, I don’t mean a social, occasional cigarette consumer after a few too many liquor fluids, nor do I want to hear about the Ivy Leaguers and their elite pipe-and-stogie establishments. And would the long-haired tie-dyed cannabis puffers keep to themselves? I’m only referring to pack-a-day men or women, the true unsung heroes of this otherwise musical globe.
Let’s face it, cigarette smoking is cool. There’s honestly without a doubt no way around it. Johnny Depp does it. Bono does it, I think. And nine out of ten First Ladies were smokers, too. Believe me, I was just as shocked as you must be, since I’d fallen for that ruse the old Surgeon General put over on us. He or she claims that cigarettes kill you. I was totally convinced of this, too, but then I learned the truth- not one law book contains a case of murder involving a cigarette. Not even two law books! That’s just racial profiling, plain and simple. The plain fact is cigarettes don’t kill people, people and speeding cars and broadswords and falling pianos kill people. Also sharks.
So don’t let those anti-tobacco, pro-shark jerks steer you down the wrong passageway. Smoking is great, and cool, and great! You can roll your own cigarettes, very arts-and-craftsy. Smoke a clove, be the life of the party! Give each of your cigarettes a nickname and pretend you’re burning them! And, perhaps most importantly, cigarette smokers won’t be part of the Rapture. Just ask Debbie Harry- for a cigarette, that is!

FUN AND/OR GAMES!

WORD FIND
See what words you can find in this jumble of letters. It's fun!

WQETLOVTYULPMMMKVCSWQ
PNBRFDLKRAOPJHKDTIO#Q4I
ZX&EOIQWDCVBMGFTREW$YN
W/VWQSANHETYGFDSWIOUP>
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ZMZM777OIUSAVLKOIPJULIFP
(PARENTHESES)9876543210@

WORD JUMBLE
Unjumble the letters and find the words. It's fun, in a completely different way than the word find! Seriously!

ATME
_____
ETNKIT
_____
LUDICROUSABSO
______________
JOE
___
ATE
___
MAC
___
&
_
CHEESE
_______

SUDOKU
Yeah, I don't know how this works, but it involves numbers, so have lots of fun with that.

6789045
2222222222222222222222222
1
4567891011121314151617181820
Give up yet?
333456987212121

LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS: THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

- None of the members of the band Strawberry Alarm Clock could tell time.
- Scatman Crothers was given his nickname due to an obsession with feces.
- Louis Armstrong was dubbed the Adam Sandler of jazz, despite Sandler’s nonexistence at the time.
- The kids from Fame actually do, “live forever,” as they are all Highlanders.
- Ray Charles was legally blind, but Hank Williams was illegally blind.
- Some titles of popular songs have become code in the music industry for backstage antics, for example: requesting powdered drugs (Pour Some Sugar on Me), engaging in experimental sexual acts (Walk on the Wild Side), squabbling/rivalry between two or more band members (Snoopy vs. The Red Baron), and engaging in self-gratification (Sowing the Seeds of Love.)
- The Mickey Mouse Club was named for the blunt instrument used to keep the Mouseketeers in line.
- Canadian reggae sensation Snow, is, per Wikipedia, a living person.

DR. WIZARD PRESENTS: NU MATH!

Remember your old-school homeroom Old Style mathematics, with your additions and subtractions, your times tableses and long, long, lonely lengthy divisionizers? Your abici and calculi? Your flash cards? And those unsightly square roots and hungry, hungry hypotenuse? No one does, that’s right. Except you, Mr. Accountant and you, Senor Spanish Nerd. No one is counting backwards or forwards or sidewise or lengthways, rounding up was a passing fad, and carrying the one is just not worth it anymore. Let’s face it, old math has fallen by the wayside, like the Atkins Diet, space cowboys and doggy-style. All interest is gone. But with Nu Math, interest will rise like Lazarus and sustain public interest for decades to come, unlike Lazenby. Your children, your children’s children, your parent’s children, their parent’s children, as well as adopted kids and single people will finally be united by their excitement over this Nu Math. And the excitement will be contagious, like a greyhound bus full of greyhound dogs going to a greyhound race track with a rabbit running around the track and then they run around the track. That’s exciting! And all it takes is the introduction of 3 (three) new numbers.
- 2(*~1^; Tworve: Kind of like if 2, 7 and 5 were meshed together in a Godless blender, but not exactly. Tworve comes between six and seven, putting an end to a millennia of seven-based fear. To use it in a word problem: If Suzie has four apples and Sally has tworve apples, Sally’s parents love her more.
- /|\0,5W} Fliftylevens: Designed to replace sixty-nine and all the negative connotations surrounding it, fliftylevens nonetheless still knows how to party and keep it reals, yo. Watch for it to guest-star on your favorite hit TV show! Divisible by yo motha!
- 9 Nine: Yes, nine is already a number, but this nine has been upgraded to include bigger cup-holders, a moon roof, iPod dock, front and side airbags and optional spoiler. Now divisible by two!

SCRIPT DOCTOR- SWEET CHRIST PASSION EDITION!

Bonjour y'all! Script Doctor again, sharing once more with you the shouldabeens of your favorite films. This entry focuses on Mel Gibson's mangnum opus, The Passion of the Christ. Say three Hail Marys and enjoy!

Jesus: Judas... you betray the Son of Man with a kiss? And no tongue even?

John: Ugh! Jesus's blood tastes skunky.
Peter: No wonder, the born-on date's 12-25-0.

Mary Magdalene: Yes, I was a whore, but I've changed my ways. My past is my cross to bear. Oh, sorry, Jesus.

Jesus: God, must I die for everyone's sins? I mean, isn't that a bit excessive?
God: Fine, you don't have to die for Patti Smith's sins.

James: Thomas, do you think this is really his body?
Thomas: Doubtful.

Pontius Pilate: You may think you're leaving a legacy, Christ, but you're not the only one. Many years from now, people all over the world will lose weight and tone up through my revolutionary aerobics exercise, Pilates.

Satan: And lo, I will bring upon the world locusts, and floods, and fires, and at least four Lethal Weapons.

Mary: Son, you've been such a positive influence. How do you do it?
Jesus: It's simple, really. I just ask myself, What Would I Do?

Herod: Jesus has died, and has risen from the dead, but can he get Beyond Thunderdome?

LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS: JOHNNY APPLESEED

- He was, as legend has it, born from an apple tree. Historians have confirmed he was in fact the only whose birth was, as they refer to it, an imappleate conception, despite rumors that former Celtics power forward/center Kevin McHale was birthed the same way.
- His fame brought many imitators, from the obvious (Johnny Orangeseed, Johnny Apricotseed, Johnny Tomatoseed) to the surprisingly popular (Johnny Spinachseed, Johnny Babyseed, Johnny Gangaseed) to the dubious and unusual (Johnny Grilled-Cheeseseed, Johnny Santa Claus: The Movieseed, Johnny Moustache Rideseed.)
- The reason he has no descendants is his strict religious upbringing, which forbade any reference to, contact with, or utilization of the genitalia. Appleseed was known to use the word shlong, though this was a shorthand for his favorite television actress, Shelley Long.
- Was co-author, with Horace Greeley, of the phrase, “Say it, don’t spray it.” Appleseed contributed the “say it” portion of the now ubiquitous phrase. Greeley was initially planning on taking credit for the whole, but ceded partial authorship to Appleseed, under the impression he had coined the more memorable part. He was correct.
- Introduced the concept of a “cool Jesus” to disaffected senior citizens, who until then did not trust his, “long hair, femmy attire and propensity for fish and bread handouts.” Today, Jesus becomes automatically cool when you reach age 65 (59 ½ in some states.)
- Died in the most ironic way imaginable, choking on an apple, which sources believe was a Granny Smith. His obituary claimed he was, “hoist by his own petard,” which is not only technically wrong, but sounds gross.

TO WHOM TO VOTE TO FOR

It’s Election time again, and once again we’re faced with the question of to whom to vote to for. It seems as though pretty much everyone in these U.S. States of America have already cast their vote, drawn to their candidates like moths to a flame, or a sexy moth. There’s no question who Joe the Six-Pack (catchphrase: “Git R Drunk”), Joe the Plumber (catchphrase: “Git R Tax-Evaded”), or Joe the Liberal (Now with 100% Less Lieberman!) will be voting for, but what about the undecideds? Those few who just cannot figure out who is running and for what office. For them, my suggestion to vote for neither candidate, and invoke your write-in right.
The write-in vote is a tradition as old Democracy itself, probably even older. Why pick from one of the pre-selected no-fun partisan-pukey old fogies, when you have both literally and figuratively the entire known universe you can cast your ballot toward. They don’t even have to be real people! Just fill in something resembling a name, and your civic duty is done! And if you’re still stumped for whom for vote for for, you can take one of these four choices listed below, or mix and match them into a candidate hybrid. It makes voting fun for once! And if you’re still stumped, just vote for Nader! Go ahead: we dare you.
GORDON RAMSEY: Seriously, it’s only a matter of time before a Reality-Based Show guy or gal is voted into office (the cast of Predator notwithstanding), and clearly the most qualified is screamy-cook Britishy star Ramsey. He not only has the name-brand thing going for him. He is a hard-ASS! That is a medical CONDITION! That means sympathy up the yin-YANG! Look at FDR (wheelchair disease), Abe Lincoln (shot), George Washington (hairpiece), these guys are like the Hall of Fame of Presidential People. Ramsey fits in like a glove in a glove compartment.
PAST PREZZES: Speaking of the Late-Greats, why not give them the second or third chance that history and the Law has yet to allow? Put some of those alliterative Commander-in-Chiefs back in their place, like Calvin Coolidge, Woodrow Wilson, or Hubert Humphrey. Let William Henry Harrison experience a REAL term for once! Get Gerald Ford re-elected and bring falling down back in vogue! The choices here are limitless*! (*This is not true at all.)
YOU: Why not? This is ostensibly why the write-in vote was invented in the first place. Historical figures from Judas Iscariot to Jennie Garth have chosen themselves over other, more popular options, why shouldn’t you? You’d have a beer with you, wouldn’t you? If you’re inclined to walk into a party like you’re walking onto a yacht, and you don’t have an inner-ear infection, then you are definitely the perfect candidate for you. The only side-effect is that this may cause a 305,000,000-way tie.
SNAKES ON A PLANE: As a former President in the White House once intonated, “Fear is the only fearsome thing to be afraid of, so don’t fear it, don’t hear, and don’t go near it. Yup yup yup!” I think this may the truest statement I have ever heard in the history of my life. So who better to lead us against our fear of fears than a movie that tackles most of them all at once? It hath been writ that Snakes on a Plane was conceived because two of mankind’s biggest fears are snakes and flying, but the title betrays the fact that the movie confronts many other fears, such as guns, public speaking and rappers. With Snakes on a Plane in office, we’ll never have national nightmares again, because all our fears will be where they belong, in Washington, DC.

KNIFE SAFETYNESS

So, you’re in the market for a new knife. Perhaps you are chef at one of those exciting Japanese steakhouses, or you’re a hoodlum, looking to intimidate your classmates or co-workers. Maybe you’re a craftsman who needs a knife for everyday usage, such as woodsmith or Administrative Assistant. Whatever the reason, be prepared to lose all your fingers and most of your toes! I'm kidding, of course, but it is important to familiarize yourself with how to handle a knife, and perhaps more importantly, how not to. But not really, the more important lesson is how to handle a knife. This is why we’ve created this numbered selection of rules, a list if you will, on Knife Safety. Perfect for posting at your workspace and/or makes a terrific Father’s Day gift. Ready? Then, let's go! 

1. Before using your knife, be sure to lay down newspaper all over the room and any adjoining rooms, to collect all the blood that’s sure to spurt everywhere. If you are a canary or hamster, you’ll most likely prefer this newspaper shredded first, and will not own a knife.
2. Knives are a lot like teeth. They're sharp, they cut through meat and vegetables, and they can really impress first dates and job interviews. One rumor had it that Bowie knives were actually made from the teeth of popular musician David Bowie. This is highly unlikey, but has yet to be disproven.
3. To help you become familiar and comfortable with your new knife, give it a nickname, such as Stabby or Jeff, or Stabby Jeff. 

4. Never operate a knife if you've been taking medication. Unlike a gun, knives can cause serious side effects such as blood loss, loss of appetite, loss of limbs, loss of hair, loss of life, drowsiness, headaches, and in some cases, cuts.
5. Even though as you become more familiar with your knife you will grow fond of it, do not kiss it. You don’t know where it’s been, and it will NOT reciprocate.
6. Remember the Alamo. 

7. Your knife should be like an extension of yourself. Hold it like you would your firstborn child, between your forefinger and thumb.
8. When you’ve finally finished using your knife, be sure to clean it thoroughly around the hilt and behind the ears, place gently in its sheath, stuff it in the back of your desk drawer, place the desk in the cellar, lock the cellar and move exactly two counties away. If your children are still able to access and injure themselves with the knife, blame Korean cinema.

ASK DR. WIZARD

Dear Dr. Wizard, 

What makes rocks so hard?
Signed, Mr. Mineral 

Mr. Mineral,

 Rocks are so hard because they are angry. They hold in their emotions until they harden and petrify into pure, unadulterated hate. You can tell the level of injustice on the rock by its size. Pebbles have small grievances, like an unreturned phone call, and boulders have been cheated on by a woman named Wendy. There have been more deaths from irate (aka "falling") rocks than any other natural disaster known to man. The lesson here is to never date anyone named Wendy. 

Dear Dr. Wizard,

 How did they decide which Presidents would be carved into Mt. Rushmore? 

Signed, Travis Wants to Know About Mt. Rushmore 

Mr. Wants to Know About Mt. Rushmore, 

I assume by "they," you mean the man who single-handedly carved the faces of the Presidents into the mountain, Rush Limbmore. The truth is that Mr. Limbmore was not-so secretly attracted to the heads of the late Presidents, with the exception of Teddy Roosevelt. He was supposed to be John Quincy Adams, but the nose turned out wrong and he was forced to turn it into Teddy. Ironically, Mr. Roosevelt would go down in history as the President with the sexiest head.

  Dear Dr. Wizard, 

If hair is dead follicles, why does it continue to grow? 

Signed, Willie the Barber 

Mr. The Barber, 

The answer to your question may shock you! Your hair follicles continue to grow, even though they are dead, because they are vampires. In fact, the scientific term for hair is “undead follicles.” They feed on the blood in your brain unless you cut them as short as possible. This is why all bald men are rich and successful, military men get buzz cuts and hippies and rock stars are so hungry for human blood. The lesson here is never date anyone named Wendy.

SCRIPT DOCTOR: HARRY POTTER EDITION!

Greetings! 'Tis I, the Script Doctor, woefully misused but still swinging (aka script-doctoring.) Today, I'd like to provide for you my touch-ups for the fourth in the Harry Potter franchise, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Harry: Voldemort has no nose.
Dumbledore: How does he smell?
Harry: Like ass!

Hermione: Ron, why are carrying that turkey?
Ron: I thought it was the giblet of fire.
Hagrid: You are a stupid red-headed boy.

Krum: I'm the coolest kid in the school!
McGonagall: Not with that 'tude, Mister.
Krum: Ouch! Slammed by Best Actress 1969.

Flitwick: Try as they will, try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night.

Mme Olympe Maxime: I'm thinking of starting a gentlemen's magazine, which would contain scantily clad models and celebrities on the cover and throughout its pages.
Snape: What would you name it?
Maxime: FHM, of course.

Harry: Cho Chang, you must be a world-class witch, for you have put a spell on me.
Cho Chang: Harry Potter, I told you, I don't date guys with head scars.
Harry: What about Gorbachev?
Cho Chang: That's a birthmark, boy wizard.

Rita: Actually, Skeeter's my middle name. My full name is Rita Skeeter Libby.
Dumbledore: Please stop talking to me.

Fleur Delacour: Zut alors! Mes amis et moi aime le magic. Ooh la la! Creme de la creme! Sacre bleu etc!

Hermione: Christ on a cross, my name is hard to pronounce.

LISTS THAT MAKE WITH THE FUNNY!

LESSER KNOWN ISOSCELES CREATIONS
Trapezoid
Semi-circle
Octagon
Diamond
Turtleneck sweater
Mechanical Pencil
Hovercar
Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Machine

----------------------------

FROM THE DESK OF BRYAN ADAMS

Song Titles:
Fall of '72
Late Spring of '67
Between the Summer and Fall of '68
Sometime in '75
Circa 400 AD

Pokes Like a Fork
Flips Like a Spatula
Spheres Like a Melon Baller
Combines Like an Electric Stand Mixer
Mashes Like a Ricer

Directly From the Larynx
Via the Esophagus
Right From the Lung
Forthright From the Femur
Nonstop From the Appendix

--------------------------

FAILED TOY CONCEPTS
My Morbidly Obese Pony
Extraordinarily-Difficult-Bake Oven
G.I. Bill
Connect One
Hungry Hungry Hypocrites
Chutes and Lepers
Barrel of Monks
Kvetch Armstrong

FROM THE YUK FILES 1984: SURFER SLANG!

Dewd! Hang Ten! Don't Wipe Out on your Surf Board! Catch a Wave, Yo! Have I completely lost you yet? Don't be ashamed to admit it, I'm speaking surfer slang. And yes, Joe Mamas and Popses of America, it is English. Surfing boys and girls of America have their own language they use to refer to various aspects of their hobby, not unlike slanguage used in other everyday activities by their practitioners, like the fuzz, plumbers, or Asians. But don't worry! We're here to help with a handy-dandy little glossary of surfer terms to help you navigate the rocky terrain that is the world of surf people, for your next trip to Santa Cruz, or or viewing of Point Break, a movie to be made in the future. Enjoy!

BIG KAHUNA- World's Greatest Surfer

COWABUNGA- That was extraordinary!

BUMMER- I am forlorn.

CATCH A WAVE- To surf

HANG TEN- To surf

STEP INTO LIQUID- To surf

MOONWALK, WATER-STYLE- To surf

WIPEOUT- To fail at surfing

CRUISE THE CRUNCHY CRAB CURL- To use an alliterative phrase

DOGGIES- Canine companion, or frankfurter

DEWD, I TOTALLY GOT MAULED BY A SHARK, YO!- Bummer

UBER-QUICK MEALS WITH BOBO, THE CUTEST CHEF IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

Hello all! It's Bobo, the Cutest Chef in the World, with another Uber-Quick Meal for all you on-the-go home-chefs. Today's recipe: Spaghetti a La Bobo! Here are the easy-to-find and fun-to-say ingredients!

1 C Happy-Half (half and half)

1T Ultra-unsexed Olive-O (extra-virgin olive oil)

2t Nacl (table salt)

2C Briccily-Broc (broccoli)

2 lbs Stick-Noodles (spaghetti noodles)

4 Romancing the Tommy-Toes (Roma tomatoes)

1 Squishy (squash)

Take the Tommys, juggle 'em around! It's fun-fun-fun and the resulting bruises add extra texture. Then choppify into mini-teeny-beany-baby cubelets. Toss in Olive-O, set aside. Now I sub in Call-Me-Flower (cauliflower) for Briccily-Broc, as Briccily-Broc gives me the Cleveland Browns (runs.) Regardless, choppity-chop these into flourettes and add to the Tommys, then happily add the Happy-Half to those! Put the whole Squishy into this mix, and stick the Stick-Noodles all around it, like a Tinkly-Tiddly-Twoo (???)! Snort the salt like WackyPowder (cocaine) and give your Squishy a name like Salmineominime or Fluffytard or Elias. Love him forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Order in pizza for dinner and pass out before it arrives. Above all, have fun!! And see? That was Uber-Quick! Don't thank me, thank me!

MY FAN-FICTION OF MYSELF

As I have no fanbase yet to speak of, I'm forced to create my own fan-fiction. Below is my first attempt. Enjoy! And know this: the ball is officially in your court.

THE M.J. HANSEN FAN-FICTION

One bright and neato day Justin Timberlake and Clint Eastwood and Martin Short and Jessica Alba were eating a picnic in a park on a picnic blanket. There was potato salad and fried chicken and mashed-potatoes and New York-style cheesecake. Just then Michael J. Fox arrived as Marty McFly and Elisabeth Shue was totally there, too.

"What a fun picnic," Elisabeth Shue said, between bites of fried chicken and mashed-potatoes. 

"I guess so," Clint Eastwood said, "but it would be so much nicer around here if M.J. Hansen were around here," Clint Eastwood said.

As if on perfect exact cue, M.J. Hansen arrived on his sweet jetpack and corduroy hat. He was sipping a mug of coffee which was emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Best M.J. Hansen Coffee Mug." He smiled at the group of his best friends. "Am I late?" he quipped to them.

"No, you ever never late ever, even if you are handsomer than me," Justin Timberlake stated.

"More handsome, you mean," M.J. Hansen grammar-corrected the pop superstar.

"That's heavy," Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly retorted, in his life preserver-like vest.

Everyone laughed, and the ice she was broken. "I brought tampenade and my world famous crostini," M.J. Hansen reported to the picnickers. 

"That is some good food," Jessica Alba noticed in her bikini. 

"How-we wow-wee wow!" Martin Short added. They all laughed at the zaniness of his antics. 

Just then, Cylons attacked the picnic site, shooting laser-blasts willy-nilly and hither-thither. Everyone at the picnic hid in the trees, and they all looked their eyes over to M.J. Hansen for his advice, even Clint Eastwood. "Don't worry, best friends, I'll take command of the dastardly situation. Justin Timberlake, you distract them with your dance movements. Martin Short, tell them jokes to make them in stitches. Clint Eastwood, you need to be the XO."

"You want him to be the kiss-hug?" Jessica Alba asked kind of cutely.

"No, he's like second-in-command okay?" M.J. Hansen responded toward her. 

Everyone did their part and it worked greatly. Even God was impressed. So impressed He declared the Bible officially the Autobiography of M.J. Hansen. Everyone agreed this was a good decision. Even Clint Eastwood. 

"What do we do now?" asked the Justin Timberlake. 

"What else? Let's eat!" M.J. Hansen made everyone laugh again and again and again.

THE END

DR. WIZARD SEZ: KNOW YOUR TERMS OF VENERY!

Hello, my flock of friends. Dr. Wizard here, with a list of educational entertainment! Buckle up, boy (and girl) and take it like a man (or adult girl.) You’re going to learn and learn well. Not good, mind you, well. Take that li’l grammar lesson to the bank, they’ll honor that shit like it’s currency, American currency. Now, onto today’s lesson. Many of you are probably thinking, what is a term of venery? To put it in the vocabulary of a layperson, it is a collective noun for a grouping of animals, such as gaggle of geese or herd of cows. But these are the only two terms of venery that anyone in the entire world knows. This is shameful, and must be corrected immediately. So, provided below, is a comprehensive list of these terms, perfect for laminating, or lamenting.
- A slither of snakes
- A burrow of beavers
- A murder of corpses
- A freebase of cokeheads
- A flock of Flock of Seagulls haircuts
- A buttload of farts
- A smattering of applauses
- A Commissioner of Gordons
- A penny of papes
- A lot of stuff
- An orchard of elderlies
- A Wookiee of wasps
- A horse of horses
- A tableau of tramp stamps
- A face of crowds
- A cackle of Catholics
- A mumble of Methodists
- A hot air balloon of Lutherans
- A pope of Vaticans
- A grocery store of foodstuffs
- An alphabet of letters

MAD ABOUT LIBS!

The latest craze at pajama parties, hootenannies, hoe-downs, hoe-ups, wedding receptions and Supreme Court recesses is and always will be the Mad Lib. It takes all the fun of an ad lib, eliminates some of the guesswork, adds a pencil (or pen, for the daring), and causes you to go literally insane with its figurative fun! But what about the poor, who can’t afford the fancy books of ready-made Libs? It’s simple, you silly impoverished fun-seeker. Just make your own! Or, if you aren’t at all creative, use this one, guaranteed to cause smiles to break out all over your face!
DEUS EX HELICOPTER!
“Did you (noun) where I put my (verb)?” asked Jenny (part of the body). She was smoking an (adverb) and whistling the Top 40 hit, “(verb) (noun) in the (color) (animal).”
“No, and I don’t care, you (adjective) (improper noun),” Harold responded (color). “I think we need to (verb).” The sky was an eerie shade of (name of someone in the room), and Jenny had the distinct feeling Harold was going to (animal).
“Can I go (number) real quick, then we can (adjective) over a pitcher of (name of physicist) (brand of sweater).”
Harold (body part) his (car manufacturer). “If you think (verb) (adjective) (adverb) (noun) (proper noun), (color) (verb) (part of the body) (Kim Cattrall movie) (animal) in the (preposition).”
“Don’t end sentences in prepositions,” (the word quantity) stated. “It’s (adverb). So, so (adverb).”
“Well, you would know, you (smell) (smell) (smell) (smell) (smell) (smell) (name of person in the room).” Harold had his (pronoun) around her (flower). All of a sudden, a helicopter landed on their roof, and Jenny (smell) (smell) (smell) (smell) (smell).

THE END!

EVOLUTION, STUPID-LUTION

“I am your Lord. Thou shalt accepteth no substitutes.” Matty, 8:9

Take a look at your hands. Take a good, long, satisfying look at those mannish hands of yours. Do they really, truly, honestly now, no-kidding-aside-with-all-seriousness, do they look like monkey hands?
Of course they don’t! You and I and most everybody we know is and are smart enough to see that you and I and most of them don’t have monkey hands. But there are some people out there (some people call them atheists, others refer to them as scientists) who don’t have the same view as all those of us. They look at their hands and think, oh, monkey hands. These are perfect for sign-languaging with a gorilla. But these are the same people who give out abortions like sweet, delicious candy. NASA has been responsible for so many baby infant murders, it’s practically the Pez dispenser of abortions. And ironically, these are the same people who tell you candy is dangerous. It would be funny if it weren’t so earthquakingly sad.
“And then God Made Man. And He made apes completely separately, probably on different days, even. And though they were friends, they sharedeth no benefits.” Genesis, Invisible Touch.

To put it simply, these scientists will swallow anything. The Bible clearly states men and animals do not mix, socially or otherwise, but these supposed smart people (who went to fancy colleges with leagues and ivy all over the place) take their cue from Charleton Heston movies, claiming we “evolved” from apes, and that food is made from people. Well, we’ve got news for these smarties (candy pun intended!), we haven’t evolved at all, thank you very much. And the only Charleton Heston movie we take our cues from is the one with all the Ten Commandments, including, “Thou Shalt Not Maketh Stuff Up.”
“And God smote the non-believers, as He is wont to do.” The Book of Ruth Baby, 12:21

So, here’s our question to these NAS-tronauts: if we’re cousins to the chimp, gorilla and babababoon, how come we don’t eat bugs off each other and throw our poo-poo around? With the exception of our retarded classmates, we’re way, way, way more civilized than that. We FLUSH our poo-poo, thank you very much! Like Abraham and Sarah. You didn’t hear about David flinging turds at Goliath (trust me, that would’ve made the book.) Man was made in God’s image, not Lancelot Link’s.
“Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus H. Christ!!” Chad 64:11, see also Dad trying to start the lawnmower

Open your hearts, people! Not literally, that would require heathen science. Embrace the Truth. Open up the Bible and just smell it, just take a big, long Christian whiff. Doesn’t it smell nice? That great Truth-book smell, like angels and newborn babes, and just a hint of water damage. It certainly doesn’t smell like monkey. And neither do you. And if you do, baptize yourself in the Word of God. Rinse and repeat, every day until the Rapture, or the smell comes out, whichever comes first. Jesus loves you, but only if you believe in Him, like Santa Claus and the Batman. Go to church, it’s the classiest place you can get free wine. And you never see monkeys drink wine. Except at the filthy, devil circus.

MOVIE TAG LINES... OF THE DAMNED!(?)

BACK TO THE FUTURE, PART II: First, Marty had to go back to the future (present) from the past. Now, he must get back to the past (present) from the present (future), then go back to the past (past) to fix the future (present)! Next up: The Old West.

DANGEROUS LIAISONS: You might not know what liaisons means, but dangerous? Now we're talking! Danger, that is.

DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES: But mostly wine.

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT: Like there's any other kind! Come on, people!

WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT: Population: Laughter. Lots and lots and lots of laughter.

ANALYSE THIS: My dick! Analyse it! Anally!

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE: You will believe a boy and a bunch of other kids and people are magic!

STROKER ACE: It looks like Burt Reynolds is in this. Enter at your own risk... His moustache, that is!

FRIED GREEN TOMATOES: No tomatoes will be fried green after the first fifteen minutes of this feature!

THE MEXICAN: Spoiler Alert! Brad Pitt is a Mexican, putting the Yum in Yumillegal immigrant.

THE GODFATHER: Not your average Ghost Dad.

THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3D: Based on a true story.