DR. WIZARD’S SURPRISE TWIST ENDINGS FOR EVERYDAY USEAGE!

Thank you, thank you, it’s great to be back on the internet. Now, I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention the way I’ve been paying it, but the big thing in Hollywoodville and Book Central is the Surprise Twist Ending. I know you’ve seen them too, the It Was Her Brother All Along, or It Was All a Dream, or the ever-popular They Were Actually the Same Person Somehow But One Died. It sure takes a so-so scenario and gooses it up a gosling, doesn’t it? In fact, it’s so effective; I’ve decided it should be put to everyday use. So the next time you find yourself sharing that boring anecdote about Cousin Shirley’s dog running away or composing an e-mail about your night of cooking pork roast and watching America’s Got Models, spice it up a little with these Surprise Twist Endings. Spoiler Alert: You’ll love ‘em!
-She was actually the ghost of her mother the whole time!
-I wasn’t actually wearing the striped shirt!
-The calls were coming from the other end of the phone!
-She’s my dog and my cat!
-The house was built on an Indian Pet Cemetery!
-The beard was more of a goatee!
-I never actually told her where I was going!
-I didn’t wash my hands!
-I did wash my hands, but I didn’t actually go to the bathroom… nothing came out!
-Halfway through dinner I morphed from myself to a woman named Alice Munroe!
-Also, my husband was faking his death for the insurance!
-The mums were really lilies!

DR. WIZARD'S FIELD GUIDE TO FAMILIAR PILLOWS

How do? Dr. Wizard here again, with more funtastic educationing! One of the more exciting (and soon to be legal!) pastimes to crop up recently is Pillow Peeping, a terrific hobby combining some of my favorite activities: bird-watching, interior design, domestic espionage and in some cases, Tex-Mex cuisine. Since Pillow Peeping is still fairly new, there has yet to be a definitive guide to the various class and specie of pillow one might come across. This will hopefully fill the heinous hole and, while it is by no means a definitive text, it is the first and therefore best.
-THROW PILLOW: This is by far the most common pillow out there. Characterized mainly by its shortness, it comes in a wide variety of shapes (square and round) and is normally adorned with tassels or obnoxious patterns. Found mainly in dens, parlors and living rooms, the Throw Pillow is ironic in that it is rarely if ever thrown. It is in fact most often laid down and left alone.
-LAID DOWN AND LEFT ALONE PILLOW: In another bit of irony, the Laid Down and Left Alone Pillows are almost always thrown. Also, they are always white, rectangular and exceedingly comfy. Usually spotted at slumber parties and sororities.
-MAKE-OUT PILLOWS: These pillows are almost always made out with, as opposed to instigating said make-out sessions. Though not as rare as one might think, they are very difficult to peep, as they most commonly preside in closets or under beds, and only come out behind closed doors. It should also be noted that Make-Out Pillows should only be utilized as human-substitutes by adolescents and/or complete losers.
-CORDUROY PILLOWS: One of the most popular pillows known to man, found exclusively in newsrooms. If you haven’t heard of Corduroy Pillows, I’d be surprised. They’re making headlines.
-HOLLYWOOD SQUARES PILLOW: Takes Shadoe Stevens for the block.
-MARK PILLOW: By far the rarest pillow in existence, the Mark Pillow has only been seen once, as Nuclear Man in Superman IV: The Quest For Peace.

DR. WIZARD PRESENTS: NU MATH!

Remember your old-school homeroom Old Style mathematics, with your additions and subtractions, your times tableses and long, long, lonely lengthy divisionizers? Your abici and calculi? Your flash cards? And those unsightly square roots and hungry, hungry hypotenuse? No one does, that’s right. Except you, Mr. Accountant and you, Senor Spanish Nerd. No one is counting backwards or forwards or sidewise or lengthways, rounding up was a passing fad, and carrying the one is just not worth it anymore. Let’s face it, old math has fallen by the wayside, like the Atkins Diet, space cowboys and doggy-style. All interest is gone. But with Nu Math, interest will rise like Lazarus and sustain public interest for decades to come, unlike Lazenby. Your children, your children’s children, your parent’s children, their parent’s children, as well as adopted kids and single people will finally be united by their excitement over this Nu Math. And the excitement will be contagious, like a greyhound bus full of greyhound dogs going to a greyhound race track with a rabbit running around the track and then they run around the track. That’s exciting! And all it takes is the introduction of 3 (three) new numbers.
- 2(*~1^; Tworve: Kind of like if 2, 7 and 5 were meshed together in a Godless blender, but not exactly. Tworve comes between six and seven, putting an end to a millennia of seven-based fear. To use it in a word problem: If Suzie has four apples and Sally has tworve apples, Sally’s parents love her more.
- /|\0,5W} Fliftylevens: Designed to replace sixty-nine and all the negative connotations surrounding it, fliftylevens nonetheless still knows how to party and keep it reals, yo. Watch for it to guest-star on your favorite hit TV show! Divisible by yo motha!
- 9 Nine: Yes, nine is already a number, but this nine has been upgraded to include bigger cup-holders, a moon roof, iPod dock, front and side airbags and optional spoiler. Now divisible by two!

ASK DR. WIZARD

Dear Dr. Wizard, 

What makes rocks so hard?
Signed, Mr. Mineral 

Mr. Mineral,

 Rocks are so hard because they are angry. They hold in their emotions until they harden and petrify into pure, unadulterated hate. You can tell the level of injustice on the rock by its size. Pebbles have small grievances, like an unreturned phone call, and boulders have been cheated on by a woman named Wendy. There have been more deaths from irate (aka "falling") rocks than any other natural disaster known to man. The lesson here is to never date anyone named Wendy. 

Dear Dr. Wizard,

 How did they decide which Presidents would be carved into Mt. Rushmore? 

Signed, Travis Wants to Know About Mt. Rushmore 

Mr. Wants to Know About Mt. Rushmore, 

I assume by "they," you mean the man who single-handedly carved the faces of the Presidents into the mountain, Rush Limbmore. The truth is that Mr. Limbmore was not-so secretly attracted to the heads of the late Presidents, with the exception of Teddy Roosevelt. He was supposed to be John Quincy Adams, but the nose turned out wrong and he was forced to turn it into Teddy. Ironically, Mr. Roosevelt would go down in history as the President with the sexiest head.

  Dear Dr. Wizard, 

If hair is dead follicles, why does it continue to grow? 

Signed, Willie the Barber 

Mr. The Barber, 

The answer to your question may shock you! Your hair follicles continue to grow, even though they are dead, because they are vampires. In fact, the scientific term for hair is “undead follicles.” They feed on the blood in your brain unless you cut them as short as possible. This is why all bald men are rich and successful, military men get buzz cuts and hippies and rock stars are so hungry for human blood. The lesson here is never date anyone named Wendy.

DR. WIZARD SEZ: KNOW YOUR TERMS OF VENERY!

Hello, my flock of friends. Dr. Wizard here, with a list of educational entertainment! Buckle up, boy (and girl) and take it like a man (or adult girl.) You’re going to learn and learn well. Not good, mind you, well. Take that li’l grammar lesson to the bank, they’ll honor that shit like it’s currency, American currency. Now, onto today’s lesson. Many of you are probably thinking, what is a term of venery? To put it in the vocabulary of a layperson, it is a collective noun for a grouping of animals, such as gaggle of geese or herd of cows. But these are the only two terms of venery that anyone in the entire world knows. This is shameful, and must be corrected immediately. So, provided below, is a comprehensive list of these terms, perfect for laminating, or lamenting.
- A slither of snakes
- A burrow of beavers
- A murder of corpses
- A freebase of cokeheads
- A flock of Flock of Seagulls haircuts
- A buttload of farts
- A smattering of applauses
- A Commissioner of Gordons
- A penny of papes
- A lot of stuff
- An orchard of elderlies
- A Wookiee of wasps
- A horse of horses
- A tableau of tramp stamps
- A face of crowds
- A cackle of Catholics
- A mumble of Methodists
- A hot air balloon of Lutherans
- A pope of Vaticans
- A grocery store of foodstuffs
- An alphabet of letters