DR. WIZARD PRESENTS: NU MATH!

Remember your old-school homeroom Old Style mathematics, with your additions and subtractions, your times tableses and long, long, lonely lengthy divisionizers? Your abici and calculi? Your flash cards? And those unsightly square roots and hungry, hungry hypotenuse? No one does, that’s right. Except you, Mr. Accountant and you, Senor Spanish Nerd. No one is counting backwards or forwards or sidewise or lengthways, rounding up was a passing fad, and carrying the one is just not worth it anymore. Let’s face it, old math has fallen by the wayside, like the Atkins Diet, space cowboys and doggy-style. All interest is gone. But with Nu Math, interest will rise like Lazarus and sustain public interest for decades to come, unlike Lazenby. Your children, your children’s children, your parent’s children, their parent’s children, as well as adopted kids and single people will finally be united by their excitement over this Nu Math. And the excitement will be contagious, like a greyhound bus full of greyhound dogs going to a greyhound race track with a rabbit running around the track and then they run around the track. That’s exciting! And all it takes is the introduction of 3 (three) new numbers.
- 2(*~1^; Tworve: Kind of like if 2, 7 and 5 were meshed together in a Godless blender, but not exactly. Tworve comes between six and seven, putting an end to a millennia of seven-based fear. To use it in a word problem: If Suzie has four apples and Sally has tworve apples, Sally’s parents love her more.
- /|\0,5W} Fliftylevens: Designed to replace sixty-nine and all the negative connotations surrounding it, fliftylevens nonetheless still knows how to party and keep it reals, yo. Watch for it to guest-star on your favorite hit TV show! Divisible by yo motha!
- 9 Nine: Yes, nine is already a number, but this nine has been upgraded to include bigger cup-holders, a moon roof, iPod dock, front and side airbags and optional spoiler. Now divisible by two!