DRUG SAFETYNESS!

Drugs is bad. But not as bad as grammar can have been. Irregardless, the first sentiment still stands. The one about drugs. Yet, despite this cold, hard, cylindrical fact, drugs are exceedingly popular. Everyone and their father are doing them! Conclusion: you must do drugs. Otherwise, you will be cast out of society like Andre 3000. However, since drugs indeed are dangerous, it is important to proceed with caution when consuming, purchasing, even referring to them! Be careful! You could die! Do not abuse or overuse drugs like exclamation points! But don’t freak out, li’l Joey Christmas. Just follow these four simple rules of Drug Safetyness, and you will be considered cool by everyone and their fathers.
1. Everything in moderation! Drugs can sometimes be (and always are) highly addictive, so be careful out there. Limit yourself to 75 tokes/150 pills/96,000 injections a day and a sensible meal for dinner, and you should be well on your way to Executive Druggie status. As the Eagles famously sang, “In a New York minute, oo-oo-oooooh!”
2. Know your lingo! Only doctors and squares call drugs by their scientific (or slave) names, so whenst perusing your local pusher’s, ask for your poison of choice by its real name. These can include pot, coke, crack, crank, krunk, crinkle, crakes, doobies, spleefs, reefers, pleefers, horses, DeForrest Kellys, plankton, e, z, x, jay, ray, walston, acid, magic bus, and/or party poppers. Bet you can’t eat just one!
3. Avoid the fuzz! Everybody hates a buzzkill, and cops are the most notorious buzzkillers: they have a gun! So don’t befriend or marry or siblingize any Johnny Laws, and keep that thin blue line intact.
4. Above all, have fun! Drug abuse is about good times, inappropriate laughter and the sweet sweet sweeeeeeet sweet high. Just relax, turn on, drop in, fall out, and skip to you and your father’s lou. As the Eagles famously sang, “Hey hey we’re the Eagles, and people say we eagle around.”

STRANGER DANGER SAFETYNESS

Hey kids! Are you ready for the summer? Can you hardly keep yourselves from counting down the minutes until that final bell rings and you can finally be afforded your sweet, glorious freedom? I know the feeling, and it’s a beaut. But be aware, be a very ware, that with great freedom comes spooktacular stranger dangerousness! And yes, you too are just a heartbeat away from becoming a statistic on the side of the road. But hey, this shouldn’t stop you from having fun! Just so long as you follow these five rules of Stranger Danger Safetyness to the letter.
1. If you’re home alone and a stranger calls, don’t worry! You needn’t lie. If he asks for your mother, tell them she can’t come to the phone right now. She can’t come to the phone, since she is at work. If he asks for your father, just say he’s jerking off in the neighbor’s garden. Again, you’re not required to lie. If he asks for your address to deliver candy, DO NOT lie and tell him you’re diabetic. Strangers can see through lies, and you may think this little lie can pass undetected thanks to HIPAA laws, but there’s no HIPAA law governing your conscience.
2. If you feel threatened after a stranger calls, contact a familiar grown-up, such as a grandparent, great-grandparent, aunt, uncle, older cousin, policeman, fireman, mailman, milkman, meter maid, cable guy, pizza guy, grocers, butchers, or next-door neighbors. In no circumstance should you call your parents, if they cared about you, they’d be there.
3. If the calls are coming from inside the house, you’re screwed.
4. If a stranger comes to the door asking you to sign for a package, you have three options: A. Run up to your room and lock the door until night falls. B. Lure the stranger into the backyard, where all the grown-ups are waiting for him, so they can trap him with their proton packs and take him back to Strangerbuster HQ. C. Open the door, sign for the package, and save it for Mother’s Day, to avoid having to buy anything.
5. If you are abducted by the stranger, don’t fight it. He may be wealthy or magic, and he certainly loves you more than your parents. And that’s one to grow on.

FIRE SAFETYNESS

“Safety first, then women, and, time permitting, children,” is the Official Motto of all firemen, with the exception of volunteer firemen, who know nothing of safety and are essentially wannabe daredevils. Real firemen are always prepared for an emergency, get to drive big red trucks and wield hatchets. Most of all, real firemen respect safety above all else, even their 45 collections. For them, and for pretty much everybody else, we present the Five Rules of Fire Safetyness.
1. Don’t panic. If you panic, you’ll wet your pants, and just become more flammable and then die in the most horrific and painful way you could possibly ever imagine. So chill out, dawg, ‘kay?
2. Seriously, don’t panic. That fire is just as afraid of you as you are of her. It’s one of Mother Nature’s most perplexing paradoxes, like super models dating fatties or reverse racism.
3. When exiting the enflamed structure, form a single line and exit in a calm and orderly fashion. Only tornado warnings are every man for himself.
4. If a fire breaks out at a basketball game, find shelter immediately and the team with the most points wins by default. If the score is tied, continue playing until the end of the quarter, or until enough players pass out from smoke inhalation. If you are the Harlem Globetrotters, you automatically win regardless of the score.
5. If you find yourself aflame, remember to drop, roll and stop, but not necessarily in that order. Dousing yourself with water might help, but a more helpful tactic might be to reason with the fire. Ask probing questions, such as why have you chosen to burn me, and was your mother unkind? Above all, try not to think of fire as your enemy, but as a friend, and an improver of marshmallows. Only you can strengthen the human-flame relations, and together we can learn to embrace fire and focus on the real threat to humanity, monster trucks.

KNIFE SAFETYNESS

So, you’re in the market for a new knife. Perhaps you are chef at one of those exciting Japanese steakhouses, or you’re a hoodlum, looking to intimidate your classmates or co-workers. Maybe you’re a craftsman who needs a knife for everyday usage, such as woodsmith or Administrative Assistant. Whatever the reason, be prepared to lose all your fingers and most of your toes! I'm kidding, of course, but it is important to familiarize yourself with how to handle a knife, and perhaps more importantly, how not to. But not really, the more important lesson is how to handle a knife. This is why we’ve created this numbered selection of rules, a list if you will, on Knife Safety. Perfect for posting at your workspace and/or makes a terrific Father’s Day gift. Ready? Then, let's go! 

1. Before using your knife, be sure to lay down newspaper all over the room and any adjoining rooms, to collect all the blood that’s sure to spurt everywhere. If you are a canary or hamster, you’ll most likely prefer this newspaper shredded first, and will not own a knife.
2. Knives are a lot like teeth. They're sharp, they cut through meat and vegetables, and they can really impress first dates and job interviews. One rumor had it that Bowie knives were actually made from the teeth of popular musician David Bowie. This is highly unlikey, but has yet to be disproven.
3. To help you become familiar and comfortable with your new knife, give it a nickname, such as Stabby or Jeff, or Stabby Jeff. 

4. Never operate a knife if you've been taking medication. Unlike a gun, knives can cause serious side effects such as blood loss, loss of appetite, loss of limbs, loss of hair, loss of life, drowsiness, headaches, and in some cases, cuts.
5. Even though as you become more familiar with your knife you will grow fond of it, do not kiss it. You don’t know where it’s been, and it will NOT reciprocate.
6. Remember the Alamo. 

7. Your knife should be like an extension of yourself. Hold it like you would your firstborn child, between your forefinger and thumb.
8. When you’ve finally finished using your knife, be sure to clean it thoroughly around the hilt and behind the ears, place gently in its sheath, stuff it in the back of your desk drawer, place the desk in the cellar, lock the cellar and move exactly two counties away. If your children are still able to access and injure themselves with the knife, blame Korean cinema.