FIRE SAFETYNESS

“Safety first, then women, and, time permitting, children,” is the Official Motto of all firemen, with the exception of volunteer firemen, who know nothing of safety and are essentially wannabe daredevils. Real firemen are always prepared for an emergency, get to drive big red trucks and wield hatchets. Most of all, real firemen respect safety above all else, even their 45 collections. For them, and for pretty much everybody else, we present the Five Rules of Fire Safetyness.
1. Don’t panic. If you panic, you’ll wet your pants, and just become more flammable and then die in the most horrific and painful way you could possibly ever imagine. So chill out, dawg, ‘kay?
2. Seriously, don’t panic. That fire is just as afraid of you as you are of her. It’s one of Mother Nature’s most perplexing paradoxes, like super models dating fatties or reverse racism.
3. When exiting the enflamed structure, form a single line and exit in a calm and orderly fashion. Only tornado warnings are every man for himself.
4. If a fire breaks out at a basketball game, find shelter immediately and the team with the most points wins by default. If the score is tied, continue playing until the end of the quarter, or until enough players pass out from smoke inhalation. If you are the Harlem Globetrotters, you automatically win regardless of the score.
5. If you find yourself aflame, remember to drop, roll and stop, but not necessarily in that order. Dousing yourself with water might help, but a more helpful tactic might be to reason with the fire. Ask probing questions, such as why have you chosen to burn me, and was your mother unkind? Above all, try not to think of fire as your enemy, but as a friend, and an improver of marshmallows. Only you can strengthen the human-flame relations, and together we can learn to embrace fire and focus on the real threat to humanity, monster trucks.