PRO-CHOICE OF YOUR OWN ADVENTURES PRESENTS: THE SCOOP!

You are ace reporter Flap Satchel. With over a bunch of Pulitzer Trophies to your name, you’ve seen and heard and smelt and dealt all of it. All every bit of it. You’re the most sought after reporter for dignitaries, celebrities, kittens, aspiring reporters and grandparents. To stay prepared, you never leave anywheres minus your press badge, microscopic cassette recording machine, community-college ruled notebook and more pens than the Commish combined. You are a veritable one man. As you amble down Ackbar Avenue in your Pontiac Chevrolet, a telephone rings distractedly in an empty telephone booth. You pull over, swiftly parking your prized Pontiac in a parallel fashion. Up is how you pick the phone’s receiver, yet up is also how the other line has hung.

1. DO YOU DIAL *69 TO RETRACE THE CALL?
2. DO YOU WAIT TO SEE IF THE MYSTERY CALLER RINGS BACK?
3. DO YOU TAKE YOUR LEAVE OF THE PHONE AND PHONE BOOTH AND CONTINUE ON YOUR MERRY?

1. As you dial the star, followed by the 6, you pause briefly before dialing the nine, suddenly realizing that 69 is also an oral sexuality position. Feeling a little dirty and smidge aroused, you stroll toward the nearest alleyway in which to rub one out whilst imagining the act.

2. Within 5 minutes and a sackful of seconds the phone rings once more. You pick it up, but to your dismay, there is just a periodic beeping coming from the other line. After transcribing this for 6 minutes, you hang up. Scoop!

3. The car was towed! The car was towed! You head back to the phone booth to call the impound lot, but it has mysteriously vanished. In its place is a tall woman in a red dress, a cigar between her lips and a tattoo of the phone booth on her forearm. She winks at you, then turns to leave, and then you wake up at your desk, where you’ve been sleeping for the last 7 hours. Scoop!