SHAKESPEARE’S INSULTS TRANSLATED, FINALLY

Billy-Boy Shakespeare is rightly considered one of the greatest living authors who died a really, really, really long time ago (see also: Marlowe, Jonson, Steele, Grisham, Clancy and that chick who writes all the cat mystery books.) The problem is that he’s so hard to understand in this Internutso MTV 2 modern age world. The mysterious vibe his Elizabethan soliloquies evoke probably got him loads of trim in his day but leave us today dudes poetically blue-balled. So, for your pleasure I have translated some of Shakespeare’s most biting retorts into the modern vernacular. So now when you read the great master’s works, you know how far the dissed have been put down. Snap!

-“I biteth my thumbeth at thee!” “What are you looking at, 

dicknose?”

-“Get thee to a nunnery, wench!” “Get yer face outta my eyeholes,

nungirl!”

-“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, “Put skates on your face, and

lend me your ears" skate!"

 

-“To be or not to be…” “Why, I oughta…”

-“Four score and 7 years ago” “Bite my thumb off, cakemunch!”

-“It was the best of times, “When you sit around the house,
It was the worst of times.” The house, like, breaks apart!”

-“Out! Out! Damned, cursed “You’re so gay!”
Fouleth spot! Outeth, thee!”