WATCH THE 'TUDE, MISTER! TV PILOT

The following is an excerpt for a situation comedy set in high school called, Watch the ‘Tude, Mister! The scene is a school assembly on the first day. Lenny is among those attending, but he arrives tardy. On purpose! He takes a back row seat, as Vice Principal Vice begins his Address to the Freshmen.

VPV: Good morning, freshmen students of Candy Corn High School. My name is Vice Principal Vice-

Lenny: Vice Principal Vice? What’s your first name, Miami?

VPV: (removing his glasses and squinting at the students.) Whoever you are, you’re on your way to a detention, mister! Or miss!

Lenny: (to audience.) Sometimes an androgynous voice is your greatest weapon.

VPV: No more outbursts. Now I’m here to welcome you to some of the most exciting and challenging years of your lives.

Lenny: Show us your boobs!

VPV: I most certainly will not, young man or lesbian, and what’s more I have no bosoms to speak of.

Lenny: That’s not what your mom said last night.

VPV: That’s it! You are the straw, rapscallion, and I am the proverbial camel’s back.

Lenny: I knew you had boobs!

VPV: Camels do not contain breasts, they contain humps. You should have learned that before freshman year.

Lenny: Touché, Dad. I mean, oops.

VPV: (slow burn, like super-slow eternal flame burn.) Lenny! I’ll see you in my office after the assembly.

Lenny: (to audience.) Yeah, my Dad’s the Vice-Principal. Some people would kill or steal arson for that privilege, but not me, Lenny Vice, class Clownster.

Bleep: I say, Lenny, old bean, you would be advised to pay rapt attention to your patriarchal unit, I should think.

Lenny: (to audience.) That’s my friend, Bleep. He’s not British, he’s a nerd. Bleep, I live with the man. In the same exact household! I’ve memorized this speech.

VPV/Lenny: (unison.) Your heads will grow big, your hearts will grow strong, your feet will grow two inches exactly, it has to do with a by-product in the cafeteria food. But your hair will-not-grow! Or we will ship you off to the Academy for life. By and large, you will leave this school four years from now older than you are now, by and large. I thank you, and I thank you.

Bleep: By Jove! Spot on, Chaplin, spot on!

Lenny: Mimicry is just one of my cut-up gifts. And as you’ll find out, I’m sure, it’ll come in handy more than one time. Because, see, I got nothin’ to learn! (Lenny winks at the camera as he spouts his famous catchphrase.)