TWO AND ONE-HALFTH OF A MAN

Hey hey! I wrote an episode of Charlie “Charlie Sheen” Sheen’s hit situation com. My deepest hope is that you’ll think it’s kinda cool. Read it!

(The Harper house. Charlie is laying on the couch, really lazy-like. Jake is mopping the floors. Alan enters from the kitchen, carrying a pie. The floors are wet from the mop, and he slips, getting pied in the face by himself, and indirectly, his son.)

ALAN: Hey! Ouch! This pie is really hot!
CHARLIE: (Sarcastically.) Then I guess the best place for you to store it is on your face, Alan.
ALAN: No it isn’t! That’s the last place in the universe I should slap it onto. You’re just being your usual unhelpful self.
CHARLIE: Unhelpful? I am happening to be mopping the floors, brother.
ALAN: Except you’re not! My son, named Jake, is doing all the work.
JAKE: It’s okay, Dad. Uncle Charlie promised to pay me for it.
ALAN: Oh. That’s okay then. It’s good to teach him about a hard day’s work. How much is Uncle Charlie paying you, son Jake?
JAKE: Videogames.
ALAN: What? Curse you, Charlie Harper, you’ve spoiled your own lesson. How dare you?
CHARLIE: Well, I couldn’t pay him in sex, could I? He’s too young for that, even with a skank.

(Rose enters from sliding door.)

ROSE: Did you call me, lover?
CHARLIE: No!!!!!! Rose, you are not skank enough for me.
ROSE: Then let’s get married. Tonight.
CHARLIE: What???? There’s not enough beer in my mouth to even begin to agree with you. The answer is resounding and it’s a no.

(Berta walks through with laundry.)

BERTA: I’d comment but y’allz so ain’t worth it.

(She exits.)

JAKE: Dad, can I go to the library?
ALAN: Jake, I’m surprised, of course. What do you need from the library?
JAKE: Videogames.
ALAN: Okay, well, I’ll just- what?? Don’t you ever try and trick me like that again.
ROSE: Are you sad, cherry face?
ALAN: No, Jesus, Rose, my tears are cooling off my face.
CHARLIE: I wish I could cry into his uptight-ness.
JAKE: Then I’d play videogames.
ALAN: Am I the only one who sees logic here?
ROSE: No, I see logic here as also.
ALAN: Oh terrific, just what I need. I’m in agreement with a psycho crazy-faced woman-neighbor.

(Mom enters, drinking.)

MOM: Alan, your face bled off.
CHARLIE: Good one Mom, next you’ll tell the one about Dad’s nutsack.
JAKE: What’s a nut ack?
CHARLIE: It’s a scrotum, kidtard!
ALAN: Charlie, stop being anatomically on-target!
ROSE: Mother of Charlie, will you marry me?
MOM: Are you rich?
ROSE: As the Caspian Sea.
MOM: All right.
CHARLIE: No! Mom! Stop! Word!

(Vanilla Ice enters.)

VANILLA ICE: You rang yo?
ALAN: Vanilla Ice? Get your ludicrous badness out of this house!
MOM: Boys, he’s your long-lost brother or something.
JAKE: Sweet! Were you in Star Wars?
VANILLA ICE: Yup yup. I played Starbuck’s sister Bones McCoy.
CHARLIE: I wish that was an ad-lib.
ALAN: So say we all.

(Rose burns down the house.)

CHARLIE: Rose! Your mentality officially has no hinges! How could you do this to me?
ROSE: Maybe you should have accepted my proposal to propose to me, you!
MOM: She’s got a point, Charleston.
VANILLA ICE: Word toward your matriarch.
ALAN: But the question still remains, super baby geniuses. Where do we live now and forever?
VANILLA ICE: I gots an RV, jeah!
ALAN: Hook us up homie!
JAKE: It better have videogames.
MOM: And booze.
CHARLIE: And sexy.
ALAN: And nerdy and practical.

(They exit the burned-down house. Curtain. On your TV!)