NOTES FOR MY MEMOIR: THE LIVES AND LOVES IN THE LOVELIVES OF M.J. HANSEN

These are just a few conceptual ideas and remembrances for my planned tome on my love life. If anyone reading this thinks of anything I left out, by all means, let me know! I love being corrected on the details of my life!
The book shouldn’t be just a big bragfest, it should also be inspiring to millions of hundreds of a few people. I’m thinking about 70% bragfest, 10% inspiration, and 20% pictorial. I believe that’s the same ratio Stephen Hawking uses. For it to be truly inspirational, it would help if I had some sort of physical handicap, like the truck driver who has no arms but delivers bibles cross-country by using his feet, or the female super-spy who succeeds despite her enormous breasts. Maybe if I gave myself a cleft chin, or an embarrassing middle initial?
My first conquest was Maria, an exchange student from Paraguay who had an earthy sexuality, like a peasant girl, or a mud wrestler. We used to steal kisses between classes and refuse to return them, unless the ransom was paid. She was quite possibly my first true love, though it would not be, as I spoke Spanish at a third grade level, and she spoke no Spanish whatsoever. She moved the next day.
I also recall my English teacher, whose affair with the school nurse scandalized the class and faculty of Super Grover Cleveland High. When she revealed she was leaving him for one of the cafeteria women, he had a nervous breakdown in a class on punctuation, referring to periods as menses and confessing of the night in college he wrote a novella composed entirely of semi-colons.
To add humanity, I’ll include the details of the ill-fated Swingers Party I threw in 1981. I thought my friends were more open-minded, and would be into putting their keys into a fishbowl, but no! Most of them groused about how wet their keys got, and in the process I smothered my goldfish to death. Hoist by my own petard (which didn’t even end up happening that night!)
To avoid legal action and to respect the privacy of my many partners, I shall not refer to them by name, only by their measurements, where they are ticklish and the Senators to whom they are married. The only exception would be Christina Ricci, because she would be offended if I didn’t mention her, and also because we’ve never done it. Nor have we ever met (maybe just put her in the index or acknowledgements?)
Lastly, I should be aware of my audience and keep my language from getting too coarse. For example, the act of intercourse, regardless of position, time span and inclusion of AV equipment will only be referred to as making love. Any particularly involved or graphic forms of foreplay will be referred to by the code word, “Prep Time.” And for the true puritans, anytime I have to describe just sitting and holding interlocked hands with my partner, this act will be referred to as, “finger-banging.” I think this should cover all my bases, which, as this book shall reveal, I have done severally. And separately, if you know what I mean.