POSTCARDS FROM A SUBMARINE

Ted,
You’ll never guess where I am! I finally took the plunge (literally!) and am taking my dream vacation: 2 months on a nuclear-powered submarine! It took some convincing to get the captain and crew to allow me to tag along with them (A fistful of Lincolns and a dozen peanut butter cookies did the trick) but now, here I am! I’ll see you soon, in 2 months!
Chuck

Ted,
A couple of fun facts about submarines. Fun Fact #1: submarines are small. Like teeny tiny. Sure, they look huge on Hi-Def but the inside is the definition of “cramped.” Fun Fact #2: There are no single rooms in submarines. Everybody is crammed into these little rooms with teeny tiny lockers and a miniscule bunk bed. Except me. Since I’m not one of the crew, I get to sleep in the kitchen. Fun!
Chuck

Ted,
You may have noticed the Fun Facts in my last postcard were not exactly fun. This is because a submarine trip is not nearly as fun as it looks. The brochures and commercials make it look glamorous and exciting. They leave out the dark, monotonous and smelly. Yes, you can smell the ocean, and you really get to know the smell of the crew, too. Sometimes their smells battle it out to see which is stronger, and you know who wins? Nobody.
Chuck

Ted,
I am no longer bored; I can say that at least. You can be the first to tell the rest of the world that giant squids A: actually exist, and B: would make terrible pets. I’ve heard that squid are supposed to be intelligent, and while I couldn’t gauge that, I can say that they are excellent at shaking submarines and making you spill coffee all over your last clean shirt. Also, the captain screams like a girl and does spazzy jumping jacks when he’s upset. I’m sure I’d make a better captain than him.
Chuck

Ted,
They say nothing is truly fun unless you’re breaking the law. This is especially true in terms of a mutiny. Sure, there was some resistance, you’re gonna run into that, but there’s also lots of drinking, and most importantly, I’m in command now. I convinced some of the other sailors to side with me, and now we’re taking the submarine back. And I think I get to keep it, so even though I don’t want it, I have a terrific Father’s Day gift. See you real soon!
Chuck

Ted,
It occurs to me that you have not been receiving any of my postcards, since we’re on a submarine and there’s no mail service. I realized this today as I insisted that we get newer magazines, and became embarrassed when I realized my screaming and beating had been all for naught. Was my face red! The trip back is taking much longer than anticipated, since our navigator is a captain loyalist. I’m pretty sure I can feel my way back.
Chuck

Ted,
More submarine Fun Facts! A submarine cannot go in reverse, or magically turn around once it has been lodged in an underwater cave. Also, the underwater caves are not clearly marked AT ALL so they seem to pop up without warning, no matter what the sonar officer claims. So yeah, we’re stuck here pretty permanently, you probably won’t be seeing me again, but at least I’m captain and so by nautical rules I am Emperor of the Submarine and all shall bow down before me. Unless they decide to mutiny, which I guess I wouldn’t blame them, it would just be, let’s say, disappointing. Anyhow, be sure to keep feeding my fish and Tivo the big game, just in case!
Lord Chuck