THE AMAZING SUPER QUIET VACUUMATIC 6000!!!

Thank you for your purchase of the Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! The three exclamation points mean triple the excitement! We’re positive you have made a terrific purchase, and will never need to purchase a new vacuum again, especially if you know what’s good for you (see below)! What makes this cleaning product so much better than all the rest? We’d let the product speak for itself, but we had to destroy all of those prototypes (NOTE: If, on the off chance your Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! Can speak for itself, leave the house and contact your local authorities immediately. DO NOT contact the authorities while in the house, as the Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! Will know what you’re up to, and will not allow you to complete the call.)
Your old vacuum may have been able to pick up specks of dirt, dust, and miniature food particles, but what of all the infinite other foreign objects strewn about your house? This is why your new Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! is head and shoulders above the competition. It can pick up all of these things and much, much, much, much, much more, including:
-Nuts, screws and bolts
-Severed limbs
-Small mammals and reptiles
-Flatware
-Owl scat
-Human hair, fingernails and teeth
-Books (except the Bible)
-Money (except pesos and yen)
-Clothing
-Orphans
-Carpeting and hardwood floors
-Godzilla!
-Woodwind instruments
-Sinfulness
-Disease
And there’s so much more! In fact, there may be nothing the Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! cannot pick up. And if we were you, we wouldn’t express any doubts about this, especially around the machine. But what are you waiting for? See for yourself! Sign the waiver, have it notarized, Express mail it in and try for yourself. We guarantee we will never hear you complain about this product!
(WARNING: Before introducing this product into your home, follow these six (6) Safety Steps. 1. Remove any and all cleaning implements from the house, including other vacuums, brooms, mops and cleaning staff. The Amazing Super Vacuumatic 6000!!! will show dominance if you do not do so, and this company and its parent companies will not be held liable for the consequences if you do not. 2. Prepare a proper living space for the Amazing Super Vacuumatic 6000!!! This should a room at least 20 x 20, with an eastern exposure and no pictures on the walls. The room itself should be bare, save for a small stool and two bowls, one for water and one for “bones.” 3. If you have not been baptized in the Catholic Church, do so immediately. Also, if you are living unwed with anyone or anything, marry them forthwith. 4. The Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! is, as the name suggests, super quiet, so we would advise rigging some sort of alarm system, such as motion detectors and/or tripwire to inform you of when it is running. 5. If you are a musician, you will want to remove any and all evidence of this from your home, and never sing or play your instrument within 500 feet of the Amazing Super Quiet Vacuumatic 6000!!! This is an issue our engineers are working to rectify. 6. If, in fact, all the issues are rectified, we will contact you for a recall. However, this must be done delicately so as not to enrage the machine, so we will send you a postcard from Cheyenne, which will say on the back, “Wish you were here!” in half-cursive. Two weeks from the receipt of said postcard, you are to vacate your home and not return for 48 hours, after which it will be safe to reenter. We apologize for the inconvenience, and also because we may have said too much.)