TO WHOM TO VOTE TO FOR

It’s Election time again, and once again we’re faced with the question of to whom to vote to for. It seems as though pretty much everyone in these U.S. States of America have already cast their vote, drawn to their candidates like moths to a flame, or a sexy moth. There’s no question who Joe the Six-Pack (catchphrase: “Git R Drunk”), Joe the Plumber (catchphrase: “Git R Tax-Evaded”), or Joe the Liberal (Now with 100% Less Lieberman!) will be voting for, but what about the undecideds? Those few who just cannot figure out who is running and for what office. For them, my suggestion to vote for neither candidate, and invoke your write-in right.
The write-in vote is a tradition as old Democracy itself, probably even older. Why pick from one of the pre-selected no-fun partisan-pukey old fogies, when you have both literally and figuratively the entire known universe you can cast your ballot toward. They don’t even have to be real people! Just fill in something resembling a name, and your civic duty is done! And if you’re still stumped for whom for vote for for, you can take one of these four choices listed below, or mix and match them into a candidate hybrid. It makes voting fun for once! And if you’re still stumped, just vote for Nader! Go ahead: we dare you.
GORDON RAMSEY: Seriously, it’s only a matter of time before a Reality-Based Show guy or gal is voted into office (the cast of Predator notwithstanding), and clearly the most qualified is screamy-cook Britishy star Ramsey. He not only has the name-brand thing going for him. He is a hard-ASS! That is a medical CONDITION! That means sympathy up the yin-YANG! Look at FDR (wheelchair disease), Abe Lincoln (shot), George Washington (hairpiece), these guys are like the Hall of Fame of Presidential People. Ramsey fits in like a glove in a glove compartment.
PAST PREZZES: Speaking of the Late-Greats, why not give them the second or third chance that history and the Law has yet to allow? Put some of those alliterative Commander-in-Chiefs back in their place, like Calvin Coolidge, Woodrow Wilson, or Hubert Humphrey. Let William Henry Harrison experience a REAL term for once! Get Gerald Ford re-elected and bring falling down back in vogue! The choices here are limitless*! (*This is not true at all.)
YOU: Why not? This is ostensibly why the write-in vote was invented in the first place. Historical figures from Judas Iscariot to Jennie Garth have chosen themselves over other, more popular options, why shouldn’t you? You’d have a beer with you, wouldn’t you? If you’re inclined to walk into a party like you’re walking onto a yacht, and you don’t have an inner-ear infection, then you are definitely the perfect candidate for you. The only side-effect is that this may cause a 305,000,000-way tie.
SNAKES ON A PLANE: As a former President in the White House once intonated, “Fear is the only fearsome thing to be afraid of, so don’t fear it, don’t hear, and don’t go near it. Yup yup yup!” I think this may the truest statement I have ever heard in the history of my life. So who better to lead us against our fear of fears than a movie that tackles most of them all at once? It hath been writ that Snakes on a Plane was conceived because two of mankind’s biggest fears are snakes and flying, but the title betrays the fact that the movie confronts many other fears, such as guns, public speaking and rappers. With Snakes on a Plane in office, we’ll never have national nightmares again, because all our fears will be where they belong, in Washington, DC.