KNIFE SAFETYNESS

So, you’re in the market for a new knife. Perhaps you are chef at one of those exciting Japanese steakhouses, or you’re a hoodlum, looking to intimidate your classmates or co-workers. Maybe you’re a craftsman who needs a knife for everyday usage, such as woodsmith or Administrative Assistant. Whatever the reason, be prepared to lose all your fingers and most of your toes! I'm kidding, of course, but it is important to familiarize yourself with how to handle a knife, and perhaps more importantly, how not to. But not really, the more important lesson is how to handle a knife. This is why we’ve created this numbered selection of rules, a list if you will, on Knife Safety. Perfect for posting at your workspace and/or makes a terrific Father’s Day gift. Ready? Then, let's go! 

1. Before using your knife, be sure to lay down newspaper all over the room and any adjoining rooms, to collect all the blood that’s sure to spurt everywhere. If you are a canary or hamster, you’ll most likely prefer this newspaper shredded first, and will not own a knife.
2. Knives are a lot like teeth. They're sharp, they cut through meat and vegetables, and they can really impress first dates and job interviews. One rumor had it that Bowie knives were actually made from the teeth of popular musician David Bowie. This is highly unlikey, but has yet to be disproven.
3. To help you become familiar and comfortable with your new knife, give it a nickname, such as Stabby or Jeff, or Stabby Jeff. 

4. Never operate a knife if you've been taking medication. Unlike a gun, knives can cause serious side effects such as blood loss, loss of appetite, loss of limbs, loss of hair, loss of life, drowsiness, headaches, and in some cases, cuts.
5. Even though as you become more familiar with your knife you will grow fond of it, do not kiss it. You don’t know where it’s been, and it will NOT reciprocate.
6. Remember the Alamo. 

7. Your knife should be like an extension of yourself. Hold it like you would your firstborn child, between your forefinger and thumb.
8. When you’ve finally finished using your knife, be sure to clean it thoroughly around the hilt and behind the ears, place gently in its sheath, stuff it in the back of your desk drawer, place the desk in the cellar, lock the cellar and move exactly two counties away. If your children are still able to access and injure themselves with the knife, blame Korean cinema.