LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS: JOHNNY APPLESEED

- He was, as legend has it, born from an apple tree. Historians have confirmed he was in fact the only whose birth was, as they refer to it, an imappleate conception, despite rumors that former Celtics power forward/center Kevin McHale was birthed the same way.
- His fame brought many imitators, from the obvious (Johnny Orangeseed, Johnny Apricotseed, Johnny Tomatoseed) to the surprisingly popular (Johnny Spinachseed, Johnny Babyseed, Johnny Gangaseed) to the dubious and unusual (Johnny Grilled-Cheeseseed, Johnny Santa Claus: The Movieseed, Johnny Moustache Rideseed.)
- The reason he has no descendants is his strict religious upbringing, which forbade any reference to, contact with, or utilization of the genitalia. Appleseed was known to use the word shlong, though this was a shorthand for his favorite television actress, Shelley Long.
- Was co-author, with Horace Greeley, of the phrase, “Say it, don’t spray it.” Appleseed contributed the “say it” portion of the now ubiquitous phrase. Greeley was initially planning on taking credit for the whole, but ceded partial authorship to Appleseed, under the impression he had coined the more memorable part. He was correct.
- Introduced the concept of a “cool Jesus” to disaffected senior citizens, who until then did not trust his, “long hair, femmy attire and propensity for fish and bread handouts.” Today, Jesus becomes automatically cool when you reach age 65 (59 ½ in some states.)
- Died in the most ironic way imaginable, choking on an apple, which sources believe was a Granny Smith. His obituary claimed he was, “hoist by his own petard,” which is not only technically wrong, but sounds gross.