ASK DR. WIZARD

Dear Dr. Wizard, 

What makes rocks so hard?
Signed, Mr. Mineral 

Mr. Mineral,

 Rocks are so hard because they are angry. They hold in their emotions until they harden and petrify into pure, unadulterated hate. You can tell the level of injustice on the rock by its size. Pebbles have small grievances, like an unreturned phone call, and boulders have been cheated on by a woman named Wendy. There have been more deaths from irate (aka "falling") rocks than any other natural disaster known to man. The lesson here is to never date anyone named Wendy. 

Dear Dr. Wizard,

 How did they decide which Presidents would be carved into Mt. Rushmore? 

Signed, Travis Wants to Know About Mt. Rushmore 

Mr. Wants to Know About Mt. Rushmore, 

I assume by "they," you mean the man who single-handedly carved the faces of the Presidents into the mountain, Rush Limbmore. The truth is that Mr. Limbmore was not-so secretly attracted to the heads of the late Presidents, with the exception of Teddy Roosevelt. He was supposed to be John Quincy Adams, but the nose turned out wrong and he was forced to turn it into Teddy. Ironically, Mr. Roosevelt would go down in history as the President with the sexiest head.

  Dear Dr. Wizard, 

If hair is dead follicles, why does it continue to grow? 

Signed, Willie the Barber 

Mr. The Barber, 

The answer to your question may shock you! Your hair follicles continue to grow, even though they are dead, because they are vampires. In fact, the scientific term for hair is “undead follicles.” They feed on the blood in your brain unless you cut them as short as possible. This is why all bald men are rich and successful, military men get buzz cuts and hippies and rock stars are so hungry for human blood. The lesson here is never date anyone named Wendy.