A NOTE ON THE TYPE

The typeface used in the interwebical publication is an obscure font known as Calpracia Newish Roman. Not commonly seen these days outside of garment care instruction tags and back issues of Obscure Fonts Quarterly, Calpracia Newish Roman, or Cal to his close friends and associates, has led a long and tumultuous life on the page.

Born in a log printing press to Alexander and Christina’s Hand (nee Manos de Christina), Cal was an only font whose parents were used sparingly (in diaries, grocery lists and the occasional sympathy card) and as such were very liberal, doting on their child, and encouraging artistic passion, open and honest emotion, and the freedom to express himself via run-on sentences. As Cal grew older, he began to resent and rebel against his parents. In fact, his first two jobs were in the advertising industry. The first was for Generic Seaman Spiced Rum-Flavored Liquor (“We Put the Arrr in Rum-Flavarrred!”), the second for Generic Semen Sperm Bank (“A Commitment to Ambiguity… Kind Of.) These were mere stepping stones, a literal ladder up to the top rung of success which was his next gig, the liner notes for seminal rock duo Baby Swipes debut album, “Sounds Like My Honeymoon.” Readers were enthralled by Cal’s relaying of pertinent information such as song titles, copyright info, shout-outs to homies, and who played such exotic instruments as the Pipe Organ, Mouth Harp, Jew’s Harp, Jew Mouth, and Drums. It was an exhilarating time for Cal, but the ride would be short-lived, as kidnappers began using words cut from the album in their pasted together ransom notes, and infants from wealthy families such as Jew Mouth, Junior began to disappear. Cal was eventually convicted as being an accessory to baby swiping, and served five years in the State Pen, until all the ink had run out.

Slowly, but surely, Calpracia Newish Roman has worked his way back into the world of the printed word, using the Spanish he learned in the Pen to subtitle cartoons and the thoughts of bilingual dreamers, found work on the occasional cereal box, until applying at our imaginary offices. False Moustache, an equal opportunity employer, is proud to employ Calpracia Newish Roman equally and at opportune moments. But read at your own risk, and keep an extra eye your babies. YOU HAVE BEEN WAAAAARNED!!!!