(The leader of the Outsiders stands on a box and wears a Members Only jacket. He addresses his ruffian brethren.)
All right, all right, quiet down. Listen up, youse bums, I’m gonna make this short, but not sweet, cuz I ain’t no queer. The pterodactyls are takin’ over our city, bruddas, and I ain’t gonna let ‘em no more. We sat back and let the pigs and the army have their say, but they’re just all talk. I for one think it’s time somebody took some action. And that action is gonna be taken by us. Who’s with me? I said who’s with me?
All right, here’s the deal. I know we’re just a bunch of Outsiders and I know that “society” doesn’t accept us because we’re poor and rude and have colorful nicknames for each other. And I know you’re thinking right now why? Why should we, the Outsiders, step up and help the citizens of a town that don’t even want us around? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because then maybe we’ll be more accepted. Maybe after we come to this city’s rescue, people won’t walk a little faster when they see us coming. Maybe they’ll be able to see past our jean jackets with the sleeves cut off, and t-shirts and combs that flip out like switchblades and our gum chewing and outside voices and greasy hair. Maybe they’ll see past the stereotype to the caricatures we really are. I’d like to live in a town like that, ya know. And I’m willing to be my Newsies dialect any of you would like to, too.
How many crimes have we been unfairly accused of? Stealing everything from Old Man Mose’s front lawn to Cher’s last name, setting fire to Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, drug running, drug speedwalking, jaywalking, Kay walking, mail fraud, World Com, switching the public library’s card catalog to the overly complicated Louie Decimal System, the list goes on from there. Until it ends. And really, how many of those could we have done? There’s a good two or three of these things I don’t remember doing, anyway. Besides, they don’t get us. They don’t get how hard it is to be filled with teen angst, especially when you’re in your thirties. The richies don’t understand what it’s like to live in a house with ten other people and no camera crew. They don’t get the loyalty and love we have for each other is undying and not at all fruity. And they don’t get our nicknames and the importance we carry them with. The pride I feel when you guys call me Tugboat, because I earned that name. I wear it like a badge over my real name.
So, I think I pretty much sold you on why we should do this, now let me tell you what I think we should do. I was rereading Charlotte’s Web the other day, and I suddenly had this great idea. Since pterodactyls are basically like big lizardy flies, the one thing that should stop them is, what? A web, amirite? Now a real spider web won’t work unless we had a big mutated spider. That was my first big idea, but time is running out, so I had to think of something else. That’s when I remembered the World’s Largest Volleyball Net, from the World’s Largest Volleyball Net and Bottomless Cuppa Joe Café. If we can set this up and somehow coax the pterodactyls into it, they’ll be caught. So, here’s the plan: Ponytail, Bubble-Up, you two sneak into the restaurant and distract the owner. Maybe do your Morosey Medley, that’s pretty enchanting. You’re welcome, fellas. Now, while they’re doing that, TV Tag and Burger Time, you’ll be stealing the World’s Largest Volleyball Net, so be sure to wear your coats with the big pockets. Then, we’ll set it up at the Muffin Sangria Memorial Cave, where Windy Winston and Messy Tessie will be doing their best impressions of pterodactyls in heat. I know you guys have been practicing this, so it’s your time to shine. Okay, Mike’N’Ikes and Star Trek IV, you’ll be on either side of the net, and once all the pterodactyls have been snared, you’ll run as fast as you can at each other. But don’t forget to hold onto your end of the net, bruddas, so we’ll really get them tied up. Otherwise, you’ll just be running really fast at each other. Then, me and Walk-In Closet will drop them into the Great Sodium Lake, where they’ll drown to their deaths. And we’ll go back into town and collect our hero medals. For heroic behavior.
Speaking of heroes, I’m reminded two of my biggest heroes in two of their two biggest moments, and the biggest words the two of them said. First, I remember when Helen Keller won the Olympics in 1812, and she gave that speech where she said, “I have a dream that some day there won’t be anymore Nazis, and my favorite flower is the dandelion.” Rumor gots it the Berlin Wall shrunk three times that day. Morning, noon and night. The other quote I think of in this challenging time is what Grandma Moses said, ya know, when she was swallowed by the whale? Remember how she kept repeating and repeating, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can,” until the whale spit her out in disgust on accounta the repetition. But this city’s never gonna spit us out, right guys? Right? So, let’s show ‘em what we’re made of, in a metaphorical way. By saving this town. Are we ready? Are we ready? I think we are, youse guys! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (Exiting.) TV Tag’s driving, and I call shotgun! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
No comments:
Post a Comment