I am a genius. You know how I know? Because I can intuit myself like no one… (checks note cards.) can. You see, I am a General, or used to be, and I came up with the perfect plan for world domination, and the domination of the pterodactyls. Few people realize, but we as a nation are in a constant state… (checks note cards) of war. Why, just the other day, I said to a colleague, "Chum, we are in a constant state of war." I think that proves my point.
Being a resourceful… (checks note cards.) Having a resourceful mind, I’m constantly thinking, meditating on how we can be one step of the enemy, who always seems to be one… (checks note cards.) step above of us. How can we outmaneuver the tricky lizards? (Laughs.) No need to answer yourselves, that’s what I’m here for. I have the perfect plan. Do those clowns at the head office agree? (Checks note cards.) No! And do you know why? Because my plan is so simple, so spectacles, spectacular, that they wish they had thought of it. It’s always been there, right above our nose, below our… somewhere in the nostril sector. (Checks note cards.) How do these dinosaurs attack? By land? No! By see? No! In the air? No! (Checks note cards.) Yes! That’s exactly how they do it! Flight! It’s been their secret for centuries, hundreds of hundreds. Of centuries. And here we are, without a solution. No. We have a solution. We can indeed combat flight. And I am the one who knows how (Checks note cards.) to. Here’s what I say to Newton: pbpbpbpbpb! What? Oh! (Does a raspberry.) That’s what I say to Newton! The Wright brothers? Wrong!
But how? You ask. How… (Checks note cards.) how… how do you combat flight? The answer came to me while sketching. Simply remove the ground! Let me illustrate what I mean. (Removes a tiny piece of paper.) You see here where I have an object? Hm. Rather small. I have a bigger one. (Produces a bigger one.) Notice how it’s just an object on the page. All right. Witness this (Another paper.)! See how it’s flying? Now, watch the process in reverse? (He does this.) Voi-ola! So you see, an object cannot logically fly unless there’s something below it to be flying above. And so, we eliminate the ground! The pterodactyls can no longer fly! And then where are they? (Checks note cards.) Nowhere. Right where they started! B.C.! Bitchingly… concealed. From winning! Because they lose, and so winning is concealed from them. Bitchingly.
Right now you’re thinking one of two things: I’m so envious of her, or I’m madly in love with her. Both points are valid. But let me strap… estrap… extrapolate further. As you may have already noticed, I am a woman. That in itself is a chore, what with the body image issues, uncomfortable shoes and the endless cyclical war on menses. But add to that the Boy’s Club of America that is American Politics of America and you’ve got a double-edged sword of awfulness, where no one takes you seriously as a military commander because you’ve got lady parts. So of course, the President doesn’t like my idea. Nor does the Secretary of War, or the Treasure Guy, or the one with the beard, he’s hated me all along. They don’t understand, we’re living in an age! (Checks note cards.) Of reason! And as such we must conduct ourselves accordingly as people of reason! And as such we must conduct ourselves accordingly as people of reason! And as such… (Stops. Looks at note cards, mumbles the words to herself, saying coherently the words in bold, then) They don’t understand we’re living in an age of reason! And as such we must conduct ourselves accordingly as people of dignity! It’s ontological to be afraid of fright, so don’t be! I… It’s only logical to be afraid of flight, so don’t be put off by the idea of its demise. This is what I told them, the chefs of hate, the chiefs of state I mean. (Checks note cards.) To say. Some called me mad, and others called me… mad. This is so I won’t be able to distinguish between the two. But there is a subtle difference. Tones of voice. Phones of choice. W.E.B. Dubois. (Looks.) I meant to cut that.
Anyhow, the question has frequently been posed to me of how do you remove the ground? Well… (Turns the card. There is no other card. She goes back, looks behind, searches for the missing card, and stops. Looks at the audience. Thinks about what to say. Pauses. Then, runs as fast as her legs can make her run.)
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