I don’t have to tell you why you’re all here… right? Um, there’s been a lot of bad press lately, surrounding the pterodactyls, what with the recent maulings and mysterious disappearances and the t.p.ings. A lot of mud has been slung at the name pterodactyl, and I’ve been asked the National Dinosaur Appreciation Group, or Ndag, to speak on their behalf. Why me, Rachel Skipjack, part-time vlogger, Secret Santa , natural blonde, Scorpio, self-proclaimed President of the DIY Proclamation Committee, be asked to lead a press conference in defense of pterodactyls? Well, according to the National Dinosaur Appreciation Group, it’s on my resume. Which it is, pterodactyl expert, right below tying cherry stems into knots with my tongue and an uncanny gaydar. So tonight, I’ve compiled a list of facts you may or may not know about the pterodactyl, in the hopes of redeeming their image. So here goes.
The most common misconception is that they are dangerous. These policemen and politicians would lead you to believe that pterodactyls will tear you to shreds if you look at them the wrong way or carry you to an active volcano and drop you in. False. There is no wrong way to look at a pterodactyl. From the front or back, with or without glasses, it literally as well as figuratively makes no difference. There are even some pterodactyls that if you unfocus your eyes and stare long enough, you’ll see a sailboat or Mickey Mouse.
One word I’ve heard thrown around in describing pterodactyls is predator. Remember, the fuzz says a pterodactyl is not your friend, it is a predator. Now, I think we are all old enough to know that the predator is a fictional creature. Plus, pterodactyls look nothing like predators. For one, they’re winged dinosaurs and predators have those kinda amphibiany faces with the cheeks that flap open and shut. And for two, predators can cloak themselves in invisibility, and pterodactyls can’t. They really can’t cloak themselves in much of anything, with their wingspan what it is. In fact, they are a little sensitive about this, especially with ponchos making a comeback, and the constant comparison just frustrates them further. So, we might want to ix-nay the omparison-cay.
Pterodactyls do have one flaw, which is a poor memory. You know how they say an elephant never forgets? Pterodactyls don’t because they have such poor memories. If I see light-bulbs popping up over your heads, I wouldn’t be surprised, though it would be unsettling and freaky. See, this unfortunate attribute explains why so many of your personal belongings have gone missing, like your cars or your loved ones, because see, pterodactyls only mean to borrow them and them completely forget to return them. I can understand being upset, but seriously, how many of us have the same problem? Show of hands, come on. I’d raise my own hand, but my memory is perfect, which is a curse of its own.
One thing many people are unaware of is that there are actually two kinds of pterodactyl. They do seem to look very much alike, but are in fact not. There are French-speaking pterodactyls from France and Spanish-speaking pterodactyls from El Salvador. Now, based upon appearance you wouldn’t know the difference, at least I don’t, but then again, I don’t see race differences. Another curse, I know. But with pterodactyls, if you have a discerning ear, two of which I just happen to possess, you can hear it in their screech. I’ll show you. (Screeches.) That was a French one. (Screeches again.) That sounds different, no? No? Very good, it was the French again. The Spanish is like this. (Screeches.) So you see, pterodactyls aren’t so different from you or from me, are they?
There was a study by NASA published online recently regarding pterodactyls that’s very revealing and dispels many of the rumors that have abounded for these many million, billion, thousand years. Congress fought longly and hardly to keep it secret, but it recently leaked on NASA’s Facebook page. Here are just a few of the highlights.
In an exhaustive study that left many brilliant scientists really, really tired, it was determined just what kind of high school student a pterodactyl would make. Most pterodactyls (72%) held a modest 3.2 grade-point average, lettered in both track and marching band, excelled in conceptual sciences and trig, and usually found time for extra-curriculars such as student council or yearbook. 13% did even better, holding 4.0 gpas and forming school committees, though a few of them became insufferable when they discovered beat poetry and film theory. And only 8% were found to have only read the Cliffs Notes versions of their AP Lit assignments.
Follicly speaking, pterodactyls have no hair to speak of. However, in another NASA study, in conjunction with Ruth’s Chris Toupee Shop it was determined that if pterodactyls were to have hair, they would part said hair in the middle. This does make sense aerodynamically, though it does call attention to the large beak, which most would think they would try to hide. This, I think, goes to show the pterodactyls are not self-conscious, which even the head of NASA agrees is pretty radicool.
Lastly, NASA scientists were pleased to discover the pterodactyl is the humblest dinosaur known to man. In a simulation that would be considered ironic were any irony involved, the moon landing was recreated. Great pains went into creating the most realistic depiction of a blast-off and landing, and the moon’s surface. What’s more, the scientists ensured the pterodactyls would feel they were the ones piloting the spacecraft to the moon. And when they first laid talon on the lunar surface, what did they say? Nothing. No, “one small step for man,” or anything. They acted as if it was business as usual. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’d be freaked out in that situation. All sorts of anti-gravity going on, and the globe getting super small, all that Tang and ice cream of the future, I’d about lose it. But the pterodactyls were cool as cucumbers. Cooler even. Cool as zucchini.
Oh! One more important NASA scientist discovery. Pterodactyls are able to tell a real diamond from a forgery, like a cubic zirconium. Many believe this is where turkeys get that selfsame trait. Others do not think turkeys have this trait. The world may never know. One scientist also thought a pterodactyl had written MacArthur Park, but could not determine if it were Spanish or French. Pterodactyls have contributed much to this society. That’s why it was deemed important that I set the record straight. And I pretty much have. Probably only 85% of what I’ve said is made up. And I’m counting the cherry stem thing. From my resume.
In conclusion, I leave you with this thought: pterodactyls may not be man’s best friend, that title still belongs to the football, but I think it’s safe to say that pterodactyls could be called man’s wacky neighbor, or roommate. I thank you.
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