5. THE ANCHORWOMAN CATCHES US UP WITH THE HAPS

(Anchorwoman, standing near her desk; this was a surprise for everyone.)

We interrupt your less-important programming for this breaking news breakage. The city is in a panic, an uproar and a hissy fit over the recent pterodactyl uprising. Some have fled for neighboring, less dangerous towns, others have locked themselves in their homes and boarded their windows and stockpiled all the food they can forage, and others still have taken to pretending none of this is happening and continue their Star Trek marathons and Civil War reenacting. Local law enforcement have issued a statement, which is technically a series of statements strung together to make a paragraph. It reads thusly: “Please do not panic. Do not leave your homes. Stop crying and screaming and running around like aimless, noisy, panicking triathletes. Stop calling us; we are very, very, very, very busy at the moment. If you must call us, have the courtesy to ask how we’re doing, you never do that. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t judge people. Lastly, avoid the pterodactyls; they’re dangerous to the extreme. Peace Out, The Police Department.” The Mayor, Gretchen Toledo, has declared this a state of emergency and city of dead people. She adds, “Someone long ago said a good captain goes down with the ship. Whoever said that should be tried and executed for unfairness and do-goodery. It’s every man for himself, but remember: Lady Politicos first.” A recent poll found that 88 percent of the populous is extremely frightened of the pterodactyls, 3 percent are only very, very, very frightened, and 9 percent were so stunningly sexy the pollsters forgot the question. This just in: I’m all 9 percent! But seriously, the pterodactyls are a dangerous threat, not like that rare breed of procrastinating jaguars that threatened to tear apart our city three years ago and have still yet to harm a hair on our collective skullsies, or the roving band of Outsiders with their ill-kept hair and compound word nicknames. My advice: the strong and the brave should leave town immediately, while the weak and cowardly stick around until you’re inevitably eaten. We have no use for you in our new, perfect world. As Charles Darwin said on discovering the Galapagos, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” I’m Sonya Pseudonym, and now back to your boring old programming.