Good evening, I’m Sonya Pseudonym, and now yours, mine and our 6:17 nightly newscast. At the tippy-top of our newsday is a special report on a super-top secret science project, headed by the super-top scientist, Dr. Floyd Freud. As the project is super-top secret, I am unable to share with you the interview that was shot earlier today with the good doctor, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell you all about it. And believe me; you’ll want to hear me tell you all about it.
The pterodactyl, or pterosaur as it is so rarely called, has been known to be extinct for a very, very, very, very, very long time. Just how long is exceptionally hard to research, and even harder to want to research. Dr. Freud believes they have been extinct probably roughly somewhere around the ballpark of something like a billion years or so. But, much like the poncho, candy corn, and Canadian reggae sensation Snow, they are about to make a comeback, thanks to the efforts of our local Technotronic Institute For Highly Experimental Experiments. Here, highly trained scientists and their very attractive lab assistants work diligently morning until midafternoon on reanimating these prehistoric creatures. Not unlike the science fiction classic about reanimating prehistoric creatures, Cocoon.
I spoke with Dr. Freud for a good hour and a half about his experiment, over coffee and jelly-filled doughnuts. Using his doughnut as an illustration, the doctor explained to me that genetic engineering is a fickle exercise, full of both exact calculations and on-the-fly improvisatory techniques. The doughnut was not useful in illustrating this point, but was strawberry nonetheless. Dr. Freud then showed me many charts and graphs showing his research up to that point, but had to apologize for not being able to elucidate their meaning. It would take a scientist much taller, with more experience and eye protection to adequately and fully pontificate upon the findings he had found. At that point, his hand brushed against mine, which created an awkward tension that never truly dissipated, and certainly wasn’t helped by his insistence on placing his other hand betwixt my booby cleavage.
Despite this, and despite the doctor’s shortcomings on elucidation, I am willing and overly comfortable in providing my own hypothesis. Using fossils containing pterodactyl bones, the super-top scientists were able to recreate the interior, or skeleton of these dinosaurs. Then, using a state-of-the-art fake skin, they provided an exterior, or skin for them. The problem then lies in making the pterodactyls animate and independent, or alive. This could be achieved by a lightning storm, a new-fangled wonder drug, or the setting of goals. At least two of those three have been known to spur me into animation and independence. But I’m not a scientist; my doctorate is in pretty, pretty broadcast newsism. And to that end, I bring this news story to its inevitable yet smelly purple conclusion, with but one final thought: if these top scientists do achieve the underthinkable and bring these pterodactyls back to life, will modern society accept them, and will they accept us, and vice versa or not? My opinion is that we will not in our lifetimes know nor will we need to know, but perhaps in our deathtimes we’ll find the answer, if there are science dinosaurs in the afterlife. I’m Sonya Pseudonym, and that was the shortest newscast of my life.
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