4. THE RELIGIOUS ZEALOT DENIES THEIR EXISTENCE

(Zach enters, like a preacher would. Very pompous and circumstantial.)
Brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, grandpas and grandmas, boy babies and girl babies! Let us pray. Let us pray for a return to common sensity! Let us pray for a return to common decency! Let us pray for a return to commonalability! And let us pray for an end to that heathen science! That Demon Subject! You know what I’m preaching! You know what I’m pontificating! Scientists get up, on TV, the Devil’s Bosom Tube, Satan’s Box O’ Sin! And they claim, they lie in front of God, and country musicians, and unsuspecting clergy and they blaspheme in our eardrums and on our soul patches, lying about these so-called “dinosaurs” who are so-called “roaming the earth.” Experts and politicians and nightly news trollops spreading fear and heresy and lies. Because you and I and most everyone we know is and are smart enough to know that they and them and all the others are wrong about the existence of humongous fire-breathing lizards! They are wrong about these prehistoric monsters! They are wrong about these fossilized falsies! I’m not sure about your Good Book, but my Bible doesn’t say word one about any venomous velociraptors. My Bible does not say word one about tyrannical tyrannosauruses. We all know this fact. But not scientists, no sir! They claim there were all sorts of crazy creatures at the beginning of time; they fill up our impressionable young’uns with visions of hairy elephants, visions of gigantic moths, visions of slimy, swimmy Nessie fish! And these, I remind you, are the same people who hand out abortions like sweet, delicious candy. They pass laws killing our loved ones before they can even be loved. NASA has been responsible for so many baby murders it’s practically the PEZ dispenser of abortions! Meanwhile, they tell you candy is bad for you and that candy, ha, candy will kill you. It would be funny were it not so earthquakingly sad.
Now, these scientists know nothing, and these scientists will swallow anything and these scientists will spew out those anythings all over you. The Bible, as you and I know, clearly states that man and animal don’t mix, they don’t commingle, they don’t commiserate, they don’t co-nothing! But these supposed smart people (who went to fancy colleges with leagues and ivy all over the place) take their cue from Charlton Heston movies, claiming we “evolved” from apes, claiming to have “painted” the Sistine Chapel, claiming that food is “made” from people. People! Well, I’ve got news for these smarties, these so-called Ph-doofuses. We haven’t evolved at all, thank you very much! And the only Charlton Heston movie we take our cues from is the one with all the Ten Commandments, including, “Thou Shalt Not Maketh Stuff Up.”
And now these NAStronuts want us to believe their so-called pterodactyls have returned and that we should take cover, we should run, we should stop worshipping our Lord and Savior immediately. They don’t actually say that last part, but there’s a subtexticle inference. And I ask you this, brothers and sisters, menfolk and ladyfolk, pee-pee possessors and hoo-ha havers: when will they learn? When will they learn that the only thing we have to fear is our wrathful, loving God, who will smite the nonbelieving and boil the seas and rain all manner of pestilence and grossness down on blasphemous souls, while the righteous will be risen to Heaven on a fluffy escalator and issued halos and wings for all eternity. Scientists will have reason to take cover, reason to run on the Day of Reckoning, but even that isn’t for another three weeks or so.
I say to you, brothers and sisters ignore their atheistic cries. Open your hearts to God! Embrace His Truth! Open up the Bible and just smell it; just take a big, long Christian whiff. Doesn’t it smell nice? That great Truth-Book smell! The smell of angels, the smell of newborn babes, the smell of a hint of water damage. Trust me, for I am the mouthpiece and I am the armholes of the Messiah. Jesus loves you, but only if you believe in Him, like Santa Claus or the Batman. Ignore these “ominous warning signs,” like gigantic shadows. It’s just more NASA trickery, like the moon landing or Mac and Me. Believe in the Word, and you will always be safe. Let us pray. O Lord, please help us to be strong and faithful, and please shut these wacko science nuts up for good! Also, get rid of my canker sore and heal the lame and sick and uninteresting of their holy, holy faults. Amen. Amen!