G.I. JOE-ROSCOPE

ARIES: You are cautiously optimistic, drop the caution. You will be rescued shortly by Falcon and Lady Jaye, who will then successfully dismantle the Pyramid of Darkness.
TAURUS: Take advantage of some well-deserved time off. The Bed and Breakfast you’ll stay at is a Cobra front, and they will be easily dominated.
GEMINI: Everything isn’t always as it seems, Gemini. That new recruit, for example, is Destro in disguise. The metal head should have been a giveaway.
CANCER: Don’t rush around too much today; take a trip off the beaten path. Two kids are about to get peer-pressured into taking drugs, and you’d better pop over to help! Don’t stop to take off your uniform, either.
LEO: I’m not going to beat around the bush. That rocking horse you received for charity, filled with shrunken Cobra operatives. They’re most likely rewiring the base as we speak. But they’re still shrunken, so a couple of boot-stomps should take care of them.
VIRGO: Yes, Virgo, the kids all worship Snake Eyes and care very little for you. But what do you want? He’s a bad-ass ninja.
LIBRA: Stop flinching when Cobra shoots at you. They always miss, and this is a fact. Accept it.
SCORPIO: Okay, this is a little freaky. Cobra is creating a new bad guy out of the DNA of history’s baddest baddies. What I would do is send Livewire, Wild Bill and Chuckles out for reconnaissance (we both know they’re expendable) and take Cobra Commander and Dr. Mindbender by surprise when their guard is down. Sneak up behind Zartan and the Dreadnoks and steal their W.A.S.P. Fighters, then attack their base from the rear. Lucky numbers: 8 17 54 3 29.
SAGITTARIUS: Those phone calls from Sergeant Slaughter and William “The Fridge” Perry? I’d return them.
CAPRICORN: The moon landing DID happen. Stop being paranoid, Shipwreck.
AQUARIUS: Be careful of those new robot operatives, they have chips inside that are set to turn against you in the heat of battle. Best to melt them down for tank parts.
PISCES: You’ll receive mysterious messages from someone claiming to be, “The Viper.” He is not, repeat- not, a Cobra soldier, he is an Eastern European stereotype who is actually a Wiper, coming to wash the windows. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.