COMICS WITHOUT COMICS

With the crazy runaway internet success of post-modern deconstruction of the comic’s page (see Garfield Without Garfield, Marmaduke With 50% Marmaduke, and For Better Or Worse Without Logic), I have invented my own take on the funny pages: Comics Without Comics. It’s sure to revolutionize printed cartoons, like New Wave Cinema and the Rachel Haircut. And you were there first! Right after me! Take a gander at the future of the future.

BEETLE BAILEY

Sarge: Beetle! Wake up, you goldbrick!
Beetle: ZZZZZ.
Sarge: Beetle Bailey, if you don’t wake up this instant-
Beetle: But I am awake, Sarge. I just said ZZZZZ.
Sarge: God, I hate you. I dream of murdering you in your sleep.
Beetle: I know. That’s why I never sleep, I just say ZZZZZ.
Sarge: Beeeeeeeetle!

B.C.
Curls: What’s the good word today, BC?
BC: Just the all-powerful word of our Lord and Savior, Curls.
Curls: You got that right. We are such Christian cavemen.
BC: Amen! The Holiest Punch Line of All.

JUDGE PARKER
Narration: “As the Judge prepares his case…”
Katherine: Alan, I have to confess something.
Judge: Confess? It sounds serious.
Katherine: I’m afraid it is…

FAMILY CIRCUS
Billy: Mom, Jeffy made a winsome malapropism before I could!

BLONDIE
Blondie: Dagwood, that sandwich is huge!
Dagwood: Yes, I used everything in the kitchen to make it.
Blondie: I guess you could call it a suicide sandwich.
Dagwood: That seems like an inappropriately morbid name.
Blondie: Oh, no. I call it that because it’s the term used when you mix all the flavors of fountain drinks together, a suicide soda.
Dagwood: Oh!
Blondie: Also, I hope you choke on it.
Dagwood: Well, I could see that al- HUH??

REX MORGAN, MD
Narration: As Rex prepares a patient for the ER…
June: Rex, I have to confess something.
Rex: Confess? It sounds serious.
June: I’m afraid it is…

DENNIS THE MENACE
Dennis: Mr. Wilson, I cleaned your lawn for you!
Wilson: “Cleaned” my lawn? Wait, where did it go?
Dennis: I took it to the cleaners.
Wilson: What? You took my lawn to the cleaners?
Dennis: No, Mr. Wilson, I brought you some food. Have you taken your medicine?
Wilson: Where’s my lawn, Dennis? What did you do with my lawn?
Dennis: Mr. Wilson, you don’t have a lawn, you’re at Shady Oaks Rest Home now. Why don’t you lie down?
Wilson: Deeeeeeeeennis!!!