BENNY MASONSTEIN: POPE OF THE ONE-LINERS!

“Don’t get me started on my mother-in-law, or as I like to call her, Darth Va-Don’t!”
“Take my wife- Away! Forever!”
“If you come to a fork in the road, stick it up your eyeball!”
“He’s as dull as a marching band, a regular John Phillip Snooze-a!”
“My wife is a light eater, when it’s light out, she eats fire.”
“A homeless person came up to me and said he hadn’t had a bite in weeks, so I poisoned him.”
“My mother-in-law inspires me… to contract Helen Keller Disease!”
“I bought my wife a toaster for our anniversary and she said she was upset. I said, ‘You wanna see upset, wait’ll I taste your toast!’”
“My wife wanted a nose job, but the doctor said she’d need a nose occupation!”
“I’d like to look you up, but my phone book didn’t come with the Schmuck Pages.”
“My wife is actually a sweet and loving person, except on days that end in ‘Y’ and the one that ends in ‘R.’”
“And the airline food they served me, I’d take the gas chamber over that stuff. It makes me want to barf- into the barf bag!”
“When you’re my age, you have no sex drive, you have sex walk. With your sex walker.”
“The difference between my wife and a pit-bull is one wears high heels, spends all my money and shares my bed, and the other I’ve been married to for twenty-six years. And I can’t remember which is which!”
“I asked a Jewish man, ‘Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ and he walked away. So I poisoned him.”