CUBICLE, PART VI. FIRE SAFETYNESS

(Kendra exits as Mary and Gary cross to center.)

GARY
Hello again, it’s Gary and Mary, the Safetyness Twins! Yay! Don’t be scared, we’re only here to talk about man’s red flower. No, not a tomato rose, I’m talking about fire.

MARY
“Safety first, then women, and, time permitting, children,” is the Official Motto of all Firemen. And they should know, they have the most dangerous job in the universe.

GARY
The known universe. Yes, fire is no laughing matter, unless you immolate a clown or ventriloquist. But you wouldn’t be doing that at work.

MARY
No, but you may encounter a fire, or God forbid, a fire drill while at work. That’s why we’re here to share with you the Five Simple Rules of Fire Safetyness. Pay attention, or the next life you lose just might be your own.

GARY
Rule Number One: Don’t panic. If you panic, you’ll just wet your pants and become more flammable and then die in the most painful and horrific way possible, not to mention the embarrassment over wetting your pants. So chill out, dawg, ‘kay?

MARY
Rule Number Two: Seriously, don’t panic. That fire is just as afraid of you as you are of her. It’s one of Mother Nature’s most perplexing paradoxes, like flying fish, jumbo shrimp and reverse racism.

GARY
Rule Number Three: When exiting an enflamed structure, form single line and exit in a calm, orderly fashion. No pushing, no shoving, no calling shotgun, no cutting in line. Only tornado drills are every man for himself.

MARY
Rule Number Four: If a fire breaks out during a basketball game, find shelter immediately and the team with the most points wins by default. If the score is tied, continue playing until the end of the quarter, or until enough players pass out from smoke inhalation. If you are the Harlem Globetrotters, you automatically win regardless of the score.

GARY
And finally, Rule Number Five: If you find yourself aflame, remember to drop, roll and stop, but not necessarily in that order. Dousing yourself with water might help, but a more useful tactic might be to reason with the fire. Ask probing questions, such as why have you chosen to burn me, and was your mother unkind? Above all, try not to think of fire as your enemy, but your friend, and an improver of marshmallows. Only you can strengthen the human-flame relations, and together we can learn to embrace fire and focus on the real threat to humanity, monster trucks.

MARY
Yes, together we can rise up and defeat the monster trucks. Perhaps by setting them on fire like a clown or a ventriloquist.

GARY
Exactly. And now you know all there is to know about Fire Safetyness. Thank you! Go away!