CUBICLE, PART IX. THE BIG PRESENTATION

(Amos and Kendra rush to stage right where Butch is just finishing up his Big Presentation. Amy and Chad are seated. Kendra takes one of the two empty seats, Amos stands behind her. Butch is standing by the table, which has a briefcase of props from which he pulls the items referenced below. He is wearing springy eyes and rabbit ears.)

BUTCH
Science. (Brandishes beaker.) Salamander! (Brandishes lizard.) Strangulation! (Strangles lizard until it is dead from it.) Sorrow. (He bows his head, forlorn.) Synergy. (He places the dead lizard in the beaker.) Suggestion? (He ponders the beaker with the lizard corpse.) Salesmanship. (He hands the beaker to Chad, who gives him a dollar, and they shake hands.) Success! (He holds the dollar up for all to see, kissing it.)

AMY
(Rising and applauding.) Inspired! Poetic! Like brain food for the soul.

CHAD
(Rising and applauding.) Ingenious! Mercenary! A wolf in sheep’s clothing, if either animal wore business casual attire.

BUTCH
Thank you, thank you. I’d like to dedicate my Big Presentation to the memory of Newbie, who will be dead soon from cancer of the unemployment. Have fun crashing and burning, loser.

AMY
Now, now, let’s not pass judgment until Amos here fails.

CHAD
You’re up, kid. Try not to suck all the excess awesome out of the room.

KENDRA
You’ll do fine, Amos. Just remember everything I taught you and you can’t go wrong.

(Amos takes Butch’s place.)

AMOS
Madame CEO, Ms. Chad. (To audience.) Population of Japan. I’m just a humble man-

CHAD
Louder!

AMOS
I’m just a humble man, with simple, honest, old American fashioned values. I may not have the whiz-bang thought process or thirst for blood my co-worker has, but I do have my beliefs, which are just as meaningful, if not as apropos. I believe a smile is a frown turned upside down, and a wink is your eye as an anus. I believe there are no shortcuts in life aside from nepotism and the Suez Canal. I believe the world will keep spinning without you, unless you’re the moon. I believe in taking time to stop and smell the roses, giving yourself a time out, and making time to bleed. I believe in sleeping on the sofa all day and eating Nilla Wafers for dinner. I believe we are all special, not just autistic kids. I believe in putting aside our differences and embracing in one big conformity hug! Be fruitful and multiply, not a long division vegetable. Stop looking at people’s colors as a hindrance: Yellow, green, purple, blue, see what it means to you. Only through understanding can we come together, so stop trying other methods, you’re wasting our time. Above all, remember that the opposite of hate isn’t love, it’s cold. Or wait. That’s the opposite of hot. I don’t know what the opposite of hate is. Love? The important thing is to never forget who you are, and heed the words of the Burly Bard, Shakespeare, “To thine own selfish be truant.” Thank you.

(Pause. Amy begins a slow clap, which Chad soon joins, as does Kendra, and reluctantly, Butch.)

AMY
(Rising.) Incredible. Powerful. A symphony of talkage!

CHAD
(Rising.) Astounding. Resounding. It was succinct, but it didn’t suck ink.

BUTCH
Newbie, you’ve bested me. By speaking your mind, you’ve spoken all our minds, like some sort of chatty mind-reader. It’s almost scary, like a PG-13 horror movie.


KENDRA
You did it, Amos Newbie! Way to fulfill your destiny.

AMY
Wait, wait! Let’s not jump to any conclusions just yet. We still have to hear what the Japanese have to say.

CHAD
(To an entity offstage right.) Mr. Japanese CEO, we are honored by your presence and trust your journey to our country was pleasant and uneventful. But more importantly, whadya think?

(The Japanese CEO responds, his voice is the muted trombone of Charlie Brown’s teacher.)

AMY
What’d he say, what’d he say?

CHAD
He said this was the closest Big Presentation contest he’s ever seen, both employees acquitted themselves admirably, but there was ultimately only one clear winner. And that winner’s name…. is… the name… of… Amos Newbie!

ALL
Hooray! Hooray! You won! It’s great! Confetti!

CHAD
He also said that he and his countrymen will purchase Incorpoco for sixty bajillion yen, or nine hundred fazillion American dollars, or one hundred and fifty panda bears!

AMY
This is too god to be true! Now I can retire and fulfill my dream of staging an all-panda bear reenactment of the entire Civil War! The twist is that at the end I will enslave them all.

AMOS
And I can take over as CEO of Incorpoco and fulfill my dream of taking over as CEO of Incorpoco! I shall rule my employees with an iron fist, and they shall build monuments in my likeness and sandwiches in my name. Then I shall eat the sandwiches.

BUTCH
And I can leave this crazy rat race and fulfill my dream of seeing the world, no longer bound by the restrictive time clock or dress code. I’ll go wherever I want whenever I want. And I’ll wear ironic t-shirts so no one will be certain what I’m thinking.

CHAD
And I can return to my home planet Gazleepnick, where I live a quiet life running an
Interstellar Casino and having brief and meaningless flings with bikini space babes. But every now and then, I’ll look up to the stars and remember this day, cry one lonely tear and cut one single, solitary fart. Good-bye.

AMOS, BUTCH & AMY
Good-bye! Good-bye! Good-bye!

(They wave to one another and the audience, as they exit. Kendra, Gary and Mary cross to center stage.)