I USED TO BE LEGEND

Times, as people everywhere say, are tough. All across the country, from New York to California, everybody, regardless of their age or gender or familial connections is asking the musical question, “Grandpa, tell me ‘bout the good ole days.” Well, I am here to tell you the good ole days were fried terrific on a stick dipped in chocolate, and now they’re all gone, vanished into thin air like Reese’s Pieces down ET’s gullet. And yeah, you can listen all you want to the Presidents of Car Companies and CEOs of big Banks cry to Congress about net losses and bad press and unsatisfied customers, the real unsung heroes have kept their mouths shut. Until now, that is. I’m standing up for all of my kind, to tell our story. The vampire slayer story.

You see, vampire slaying was a sweet, sweet gig back in the day. One of the absolute sweetest. You were your own boss, you got tons of exercise, you were a hero, for Chrissakes! There was the rush of adrenaline and sense of accomplishment you just don’t get anywhere else, plus book and movie deals up the proverbial wazoo. I’d go out some nights and cruise the usual vampire haunts completely unarmed, then suddenly grab a broken stick or an unbroken stick (then break it) and stake me some undead ass! And the ladies! Chicks love a strong man who can protect them from the pointy-teethed creatures of the night, and we gladly provided that service for them. They returned the favor in their own exciting ways, such as intercourse in revolving doors, Hand Jive hand jobs, and erotic Laser Light Shows. But then, the public turned on us. The small, but loyal movement of Goth Kids grew and developed media attention, Anne Rice soared in popularity and those highly inaccurate Twilight novels started selling like really tasty hot cakes. All of a sudden, vampires were more en vogue than En Vogue. It was unthinkable but true. And, very slowly at first, we vampire slayers lost our credibility and eventually our livelihood. These days, I’m lucky if I get to see an interesting Laser Light Show.

So the next time you see a banker whining on CNNSPAN or MSNBS, don’t forget that us vampire slayers are hurting, too. And certainly don’t forget that vampires themselves aren’t brooding emo virgins. And even if they were, wouldn’t it be better if they were slain?