Greetings, surfer of the webs, curiositer of curiosities, filler of time. Behold the fortuity of your search, and prepare to have your mind a-blown! I’ll wait.
Are you adequately preparated? Good! I will then proceed to take control over your senses. For you see I, Antonio X, am a certified Internet Hypnotist. That’s right, you read me correctly, I can hypnotize your entire body simply through the powers of the printed word you consume ocularically on this fine website. Impossible! You say aloud to your computer. Possible! I counter with my keyboard. And I win the argument through logic. But never fear, dearest of readerships, I vow to never ever ever ever ever ever ever use my incredulastic powers of literary hypnosis for questionable or evil or mean-spirited or awful or perverse or stupid means. Nay nay nay and nay I will only use them to create goodness and solidaritude and increased sexual prowess throughout the world about me.
But still, I sense, you shake your head to and fro above the equator of your neckline, still the doubting Thomas or Thomasina. Very well, if you need a demonstration, then a demonstration I shall perform upon you.
Everyone, everywhere and every time has a vice of some kind or another kind. Be it cigarettes, alcohol, junk food, heroin, cocaine, gambling, prescription drugs, glue-sniffing, panty-raiding, online gambling, shoplifting, lying to your parents, pyromania, fan fiction or sweat pants, it’s a skeleton within each of our closets that, try as we might, we just cannot evictify. Or can we? I hypothesize that we indeed can, and I guarantee that I indeed will! Simply loosen your mind of any spare thoughts, empty it out completely, then slowly but accurately count down from ten. By the time you’ve reached the end (one in American numerology) you will be entirely hypnotized, your consciousness as malleable as marshmallow fluff, your mind as open as a pilfered purse. Now, you will read aloud and repeat the following statement.
“O, ye venial sins which thinketh thee soooooo superior to mine veritable own goodness and angelousness and light, begone! Leaveth this body, by hook, crook or anus and never the Twain shall Mark us again! I swear it upon my very own personalized name, be it Antonio X or otherwise, I shall henceforth and hereinafter be a classier more upscale model citizen guy or gal, and start utilizing the terms henceforth, hereinafter and upscale in my daily vocabulary, regardless of said context or written context, tra la!”
Now, after you have repeated this statement seven times, count slowly but accurately up from one, ending whereupon you reach the number ten, and you will once again be moored to the realm of the unhypnotizeds.
Feel any different? Yes? No? Just wait until you hunger for a cigarette or a sweat pant, and then wait for the surprisingly violent response. Even I’m not certain what exactly will happen! It will be barrelfuls of fun for all involved, particularly me! I just cannot wait to hear how your life has been forever changed. Be sure to let me know. Enjoy your new life, and you’re welcome!
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