I WAS A TEENAGE PRESIDENT- OF THE UNITED STATES!!! PART THE SECOND

OTE: This is the second part of the recently unearthed novelization for an unproduced film called; I Was A Teenage President- Of The United States!!! In Part One, Rod learned he was the new President when a limo bearing Secret Service Agents showed up on his block and swore him in. Part Two will explain how a fifteen-year-old came to hold the highest office in the land.

PART TWO: HAIL TO THE NO!

“Suh-weeeeet!” Skratch enthused as he, Tori and Rod were ushered into the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC, USA.

“Yes, this is a nifty little pad your homeboy has, isn’t it, dudes?” Ned the Secret Service agent said, trying desperately to be cool. Everybody rolled their eyes all around in their sockets, even the other Secret Service Agents.

“But I still don’t understand what I’m doing here,” Rod said, maintaining an air of cool in the overwhelming atmosphere of responsibility.

“Perhaps I can explain,” a new voice intoned, and from behind them strolled Perfidy Hardaway, the Vice President. He was an old yet handsome man, bald aside from tufts of gray hair around the temples. Everything about him appeared warm and inviting, aside from the severe-looking eyebrows, the result of a freak grooming accident. “I’m afraid there’s no other way of putting this- the President is dead.”

Everyone gasped.

“I should explain that by dead, I do not mean he passed away. He’s dead in the polls. No one likes him, his approval rating is abysmal. Everyone thinks he’s a mean, doddering old stinkybag. And the worst part is that all of it is one-hundred percent accurate.”

Everyone gasped.

“It gets worse. Because of his unpopularity at home, he is unable to make any impact abroad. He is laughed out of the UN whenever he tries to enter, the guffaws creating an impenetrable barrier. We are facing a potential global nuclear threat, and are powerless to do anything about it because no one will take our President seriously.”

Everyone gasped. “Where is the President now?” Tori asked, thinking of someone else for a change.

“He’s resting at Camp David, taking solace in all of the Davids that reside there.”

“But I still don’t understand. How do I fit into all of this? What am I doing here?” Rod emo-ed to the VP. Hardaway chuckled and put and arm around Rod, gently pushing him down to sit on the sofa. Without flinching, Rod executed a leg-flip over one arm of the couch and a single-axle head rest on the other arm, effectively annexing the piece of furniture. The VP smiled inwardly, thinking Rod was already making a natural world leader, as he settled his aged Vice-Presidential butt-cheeks into the nearest chair.

“Stellar lounging, bro!” Skratch whispered conspiratoriorioriorially. Hardaway chuckled warmly, like a napping uncle after a drunken midmorning.

“You see, Roderick, we conducted an intricate survey to determine who in this country embodied the core values of the Presidency, which are youth, independence, scrappiness, heart, lungs, cheek, lack of knee-pads, gumption, grit, spunk, and a radicool ‘tude. And despite your lack of backwards baseball cap, you fit the profile the most. You are, in point of faction, the Most Popular Person in America right now. Head of all the sports teams, winner of all your school trophies, the teachers love to hate you and school administrators hate themselves for loving you. Girls find you too, too dreamy and boys think you’re downright tubular. Mothers see in you an angel and fathers see in you the devilish child they once were. Young people prefer you to unicorns and old people prefer you to Andy Rooney. That’s a helluva demographic, my boy!” While VP Hardaway was explaining this, the Secret Service Agents had offered the guests and availed themselves to fruit punch. As she dreamily sipped hers, Tori imagined herself as First Girlfriend, painting the White House hot pink and appearing at press conferences with Rod in matching fauxhawks. Skratch imagined all the free food he’d get and bungee-jumping off the Washington Monument! Ned the Secret Service Agent imagined recounting this exceptional day to his wife and her new husband Ted and laughing in their faces about how much better his life was now. Score!

Rod was imagining something else as he guzzled his fruit punch. He was imagining having to sit through boring Senate Subcommittee Hearings and reading and signing tons and tons and tons of long, complicated bills and long, long hours full of difficult decisions and foreign foods and walking and talking at the same time. His first day of summer was quickly turning into the biggest day of his life and he was most assuredly NOT of mixed feelings about his … feelings. “I can’t do it, man!” he finally yelled. “I’m just a kid! I’m not ready for this kind of responsibility. I’ve never even had a job! And I’m not starting with this one. You can take your stupid Presidency and shove where the sun refuses to shine!” And with that, he arose from the couch, did a 180 and strode toward the Oval Office door, intending on walking out and away from his destiny for, like, good.

“Hey, amigo, don’t harsh the room buzz, dig?” Ned the Secret Service Agent cried. Tori grabbed Rod by the arm and pulled him back, then leaned in to whisper in his perfect ear.

“Rod, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’ll still be your friend forever,” she said, winking as she said friend to emphasize that she had the hots for him.

“You can go if you like, but you’ll be walking out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, one in which the entire nation, heck, the continent, furk, the world will be your friend forever,” VP Hardaway said, winking as he said friend to emphasize the world had the hots for him. Rod was torn, literally. The decision he was being asked to have to be made by him was one of the biggest decisions he’d ever been asked to have to be made ever by himself. It could change his life forever, figuratively. If he stayed, he could become a force for change, end nuclear war fear for Earth folks forever. If he left, he could have a carefree summer back home in Sufficient Springs, Indiahoma, riding his turbo-charged rocket, tipping cows at Old Man Mose’s farm, licking ice cream cones and eating the cones of ice cream cones, and staying up all night to watch USA Up All Night. What to do? What to do?

What to do? What to do? Rod chose to do what his father had always told him when faced with a difficult decision. He decided to sleep on it. In the Lincoln Bedroom.

He was the New Prez, baby! Rod Rulez the Countryz 4-Everz!!!!