The following is a treatment for a film that would combine one of the biggest blockbusters of the last ten years with the biggest cult phenomenon of the last five years. The combination of these two elements must surely create a hit! And if you don’t believe me, check out the treatment below. And then, just believe me.
Scene: Spider-Man & MJ’s home, a room with a large couch and comfy chair with a television conveniently located behind it. MJ lounges on the couch, when there is a knock on the door. She answers it, Aunt May enters.MJ: What are you doing here? I no longer love Spider-Man.
AUNT MAY: But he is the greatest superhero of all time. He’s so successful, you must marry him.
MJ: He is the absolute best, but I don’t love him. This is because I’m a woman.
AUNT MAY: Have sympathy, his Uncle Ben died.
MJ: Don’t be so dramatic.
AUNT MAY: It’s true. The police report came back; he definitely died in the mugging. I have to go.
Aunt May leaves. Green Goblin enters.
GREEN GOBLIN: Where is Spider-Man? He’s my best friend.
MJ: Spider-Man is web-slinging. I love you, Green Goblin.
GREEN GOBLIN: But Spider-Man is my best friend.
MJ: As well he should be, because he is the most wonderful person ever, but let’s have some sex on the stairs.
GREEN GOBLIN: I’m very busy, I have to go. Spider-Man is my best friend.
They have some sex on the stairs.
Scene: Spider-Man is buying flowers for MJ.
SPIDER-MAN: Hi, doggie!
FLORIST: You’re my favorite customer.
Scene: Spider-Man returns home to give MJ her flowers.
MJ: Thank you for the flowers, you are so terrific.
SPIDER-MAN: You are my pretty princess. HAHAHAHA!
MJ: Put on your black uniform, let’s be bad.
SPIDER-MAN: You know I cannot do that.
MJ: Too bad. Everybody thinks you sucked my blood, Spider-Man. I told them because I secretly don’t love you, and because of my being a woman.
Scene: Spider-Man is on the roof top, tossing a football in the air. Green Goblin is standing three feet away from him.
SPIDER-MAN: I can’t believe MJ is telling people I drank her blood. I didn’t do it! I didn’t! Oh, hi, Green Goblin, I did not see you there.
GREEN GOBLIN: How is web-slinging?
SPIDER-MAN: I busted a very big arch-enemy yesterday.
GREEN GOBLIN: What arch-enemy?
SPIDER-MAN: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.
GREEN GOBLIN: Oh, come on, why not?
SPIDER-MAN: No, I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?
They begin tossing the football around until Green Goblin falls down for some reason.
Scene: Green Goblin and MJ at the house.
GREEN GOBLIN: Hi! I have to go, I’m very busy.
MJ: I love you.
GREEN GOBLIN: We can’t, it’s wrong.
MJ: I’m a woman.
GREEN GOBLIN: You’ve convinced me.
Spider-Man enters.
SPIDER-MAN: Hi MJ, my princess, I brought you flowers. Oh Hi, Green Goblin, I did not see you there.
MJ: Green Goblin is in love but he’s afraid to show it.
SPIDER-MAN: Afraid? Cheep cheep cheep! Cheep cheep cheep!
Spider-Man and Green Goblin begin tossing around a football.
Scene: Denny is on the roof. Chris-R attacks him, pulling out a gun and forcing Denny to the ground.
CHRIS-R: Give me my money for the drugs you once took!
DENNY: I’ll have it, I’ll have the money, I swear!
Spider-Man and Green Goblin enter, Spider-Man captures Chris-R and they take him to Police Headquarters on Green Goblin’s Goblin Glider.
DENNY: Thank you, Spider-Man, you saved my life! I love you like a Daddy!
GREEN GOBLIN: Let’s take him to Police Headquarters.
SPIDER-MAN: Oh, hi, Green Goblin, I did not see you there.
MJ and Aunt May enter, and assist Denny in getting up.
MJ: What kind of person was that, Denny? What kind of person?
DENNY: He was a drug dealer, okay? A drug dealer!
MJ: What kind of drugs were you taking, Denny? What kind of drugs?
DENNY: Just some druggie drugs, okay?
AUNT MAY: But why, why would he, a drug dealer, attack you, Denny, with his gun and everything?
DENNY: I owe him money for the drugs I took.
MJ: What kind of money, Denny? What kind of money?
DENNY: American! I’m an American and I owe him American money.
MJ: What kind of American, Denny? What kind of American?
Scene: Venom and Gwen Stacy enter Spider-Man and MJ’s house. They look both ways and cross to the couch. They begin making out and eating chocolate.
VENOM: Chocolate symbolizes love and you eating it symbolizes me getting a blowjob.
GWEN STACY: You are a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad boy!
MJ and Aunt May enter.
MJ & AUNT MAY: Oh my! How shocking!
VENOM: Yipes! Let’s get outta here!
GWEN STACY: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, and sorry.
MJ: Tee-hee!
AUNT MAY: That was delightful and not-at-all creepy and weird. But now I have to go.
Scene: A party, Spider-Man is drinking champagne.
SPIDER-MAN: We’re expecting a spiderbaby. HAHAHAHA!
MJ: (to Venom and Gwen Stacy) I’m not really pregnant.
VENOM: You’re mean and manipulative, like some kind of woman! I’m sitting on an explosive device!
GWEN STACY: You HAVE to tell Spider-Man. He’s the greatest individual in history.
MJ: I don’t love him. I’m a woman, so I’m cheating.
GREEN GOBLIN: We can’t keep doing this.
MJ: Hey everybody, why don’t we all go outside this second?
EVERYBODY: Yay!
Everybody leaves except MJ and Green Goblin. They begin to have sex and Spider-Man enters.
SPIDER-MAN: MJ! You tore me apart! I cannot believe you are cheating on me! You were my rose you were my rose you were my ro-o-oooose!
MJ: I don’t love you, Spider-Man.
SPIDER-MAN: I cassette-taped your phone conversations. You are the real villain! I would shoot myself if my spidey-sense did not keep me from dodging the bullet.
GREEN GOBLIN: You are the cause of all this, he was my best friend! He almost killed himself, you did this, you woman!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh, hi, Green Goblin, I did not see you there.
End of Film.
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