FREE THROW: THE THROW OF THE FREE

Howdy-ho, sports fanaticals, Ricky Skipjack here to give you the hottest pointers on the mad mad mad mad March activity du jour known as basketball. AKA hoops, round ball, the sweaty science, the magic dance, or Arch Rivals. Basketball dates back to prehistoric times, when cavemen used to play it exactly as it is played today, using dinosaur eggs for the ball and brontosaurus mouths for the hoop. Every time they scored, the brontosaurus would look into the camera and quip, “It’s a living.”

The first and most important skill to learn in basketball is the Free Throw. Though worth fewer points, the Free Throw is the shot du jour in these troubled economic times. Some find this to be the most difficult aspect of the game. The deafening silence of the spectators and the blindening glare of your teammates. Sweat pouring from your furrowed, craggy brow onto your expensive, eponymous sneakers. Nerves jangled, like loose change or precarious flatware. You feel as though the fate of the entire game rests squarely upon your round shoulders, like a square rested upon round shoulders. But hey! I’m here to tell you that shooting Free Throws is a cinch! Just follow my instructions and you’ll see, it’s like throwing candy at a baby.

Step One of this process is the dribbling. This is a very, very important step, which establishes dominance over the ball. Dribble the ball twice, once with your left hand, and once with your right. Next, cradle your right hand just beneath the airhole, or anus, of the basketball. Then cradle your left hand beneath your own airhole. Glance both ways, eyes slits, whistling tunelessly (if you must whistle a tune, choose your least favorite Christmas Carol.) What you’re doing here is creating tension, between yourself and the ball, between yourself and your teammates, between the ball and your teammates, between the ball, the spectators, yourself, your teammates, the ball and the spectators. As the tension mounts, release the ball slowly and arc it through the air, preferably toward the basket. This is One-Hundred Percent guaranteed to succeed, however if it does not, be sure to have smoke bombs handy and make a showy, but stealthy disappearance by throwing them and dropping out of sight through the secret trap door you installed before the game. If you do not do this, you may be crucified on the hoop and left there for the rest of the season. And nobody wants that! But this is highly unlikely. Basketball can be dangerous but it’s fun, they mostly say. So get on out there and swish up some points for the Gipper!