For Kirk Klemme
(The scene: stage-right, two cowboys, Ace and Dean, stand facing each other, hands hovering near their holstered guns; center stage, two teenage boys, Jackle and Roy, are mid- high five, in a high school hallway; stage left, a woman, Rita, is giving a massage to another woman Peg, soooo hot!)
ACE: Dean, I’m callin’ you out.
DEAN: I’d like to see you try, Ace. That’d make me, ya know, laugh. Audibly.
ACE: Yer all talk, Dean. Like National Public Radio. But I’m about to put an end to all that talk, and nothin’, not even fundraisin’, will save you.
DEAN: Think again, Ace. I’m about to put you down like Old Yeller, spoiler alert. I’m the quickest draw in this county, and seven of the others, too. That’s why they call me… The Gunnist!
ACE: That’s not what they call you behind your back. And it surely won’t be on your tombstone, when they etch it later today. You think yer so quick; I shoot like I make love. Quickly, violently, and with my right hand.
DEAN: You won’t be making love in Hell, which is where yer headed, once you’ve seen how lightning fast the Hand of the Gunnist are!
ACE: And you’ll be in Hell, once you’ve seen how thunder fast the Hands of Ace are!
DEAN: Yeah?
ACE: Yeah!
DEAN: Then, let’s do this! One!
ACE: Two!
DEAN: Three!
(They draw.)
ACE & DEAN: Bang bang bang bang bang bang!
ACE: I got you first!
DEAN: Bull Frookie!
ACE: Truth Frookie!
DEAN: Dare ya to take a lie detector test!
ACE: Challenge accepted!
DEAN: Fine!
ACE: Fine!
(They exit, as the lie detector is off stage right.)
JACKLE: We did it, yo! We totally pranked the principal.
ROY: I know, yo! We totally glued all of his office supplies to the ceiling.
JACKLE: Including his secretary.
ROY: Yeah! We should probably break this high five and look less conspicuous.
JACKLE: Dude! I can’t, yo!
ROY: Oh, no, yo! I can’t, either!
JACKLE: There must be some residual glue on our hands.
ROY: That’s some strong glue.
JACKLE: Much like the gorilla for which it’s named.
ROY: This is bad, it’s like getting caught with your hand in the Frookie Jar.
JACKLE: The jar being a metaphor for our prank, yo.
ROY: What should we do?
JACKLE: We could cut off our hands. There’s a table saw in the teacher’s lounge.
ROY: I can’t part with my hand. The Hands of Roy are a matched set, yo!
JACKLE: As are the Hands of Jackle.
ROY: I guess we’re stuck this way. The Hands of Jackle and Roy are forever fused together. Bound by friendship, like the river to the ocean, like the ocean to the clouds.
JACKLE: That’s beautiful, yo. You’re a regular Leonard Koan.
ROY: Of course, we’ll have to change our schedules so we have class together.
JACKLE: And I’ll have to divorce my wife. Getting married in high school is so One Tree Hill.
ROY: That it is, yo. That it is.
(They exit.)
PEG: Oh, Rita, you are a miracle worker.
RITA: Oh, no, I’m just a masseuse. If I were a miracle worker, I could teach you how to say water in sign language.
PEG: With your hands, I don’t doubt you could.
RITA: Please, the Hands of Rita are nothing special.
PEG: No, your hands are like a gift from God. They are amazing, incredible things.
RITA: Well, thank you.
PEG: Your feet are nothing special. And your forearms are nightmarish. Really, the ears look like sea shells that would sound like the most boring ocean in the world.
RITA: The Arctic Ocean?
PEG: That’s the one.
RITA: You should talk! Your thighs look like they’ve stowed away a dozen too many Frookies, and your nose is so upturned, I get vertigo just thinking about it.
PEG: Oh yeah? Well, your hair looks like a cascade of heinous, and your breath smells like a cascade of anus!
RITA: I never! Your hands, the Hands of Peg, are humongous! They’re like a cross between a sumo wrestler and a dinosaur hand!
PEG: How dare you! You know that I use my hands every day in my line of work. As a professional student, I raise my hand multiple times on a daily basis.
RITA: I know, and you might want to retire- early!
PEG: You know where to hurt a girl. Right in the Hands of her Emotions.
RITA: What can I say? I have a gift, and you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
PEG: That’s true of all horses, and you know it!
RITA: I’m sorry. I don’t know why we attack each other like this. It must be the way society makes us question our body image.
PEG: Yes, it’s up to society to fix this. It’s in the Hands of Society.
RITA: Well put, Peg.
PEG: This is the 60th line.
(Curtain.)
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