911 IS A JOKE… NOT!

Devotees of this fine blog site know I enjoy a good jibe, jest, japery, jibble and even the occasional jaquasephat. However, despite the misleadingly hilarious title, this is serious business. Much like prescription drugs, videogame cheat codes and your very own genitalia, 911 is to be used sparingly and never abused. Emergencies only! This should go without saying, but it doesn’t because some ravishing Rick Rudes feel they can take advantage of this, the most important number in the English phone book. So I’ve laid down some dos and don’ts for 911, in case you’re not in the know. Where? Down there!
DO: Dial 911 if you or your house has been robbed, you or your house is on fire, or you or your house has been poisoned.
DON’T: Dial 911 if you’re angry that your favorite television program is a rerun, if your dinner turned out too salty or, conversely, not salty enough, or if your neighbor’s children are too unattractive. Or, conversely, not unattractive enough.
DO: Dial 911 if you’re having a heart attack.
DON’T: Dial 911 if your neighbor’s unattractive children are having singular or collective heart attacks. This is called Darwinism, and it’s not against the law.
DON’T: Dial 911 and ask if their refrigerator’s running. They have no refrigerators at 911 Emergency Central, and will not get the joke.
Lastly, DON’T: Place 911 on hold for any reason whatsoever, unless you cannot stop the bleeding, the gunman demands it, or you have a personal dedication announced on the radio. 911 isn’t heartless (depending on the situation, they may have called it in!)
Thank you for your attention during this post. Now that it’s over, we can get back to doing what we do best- being pants-stitchingly funny! See you then!