Dirk Satan slid smoothly back into his cubicle. He was just returning from his afternoon 15-minute break, which had taken 45 minutes. This did not matter at Evilco, where the only rule was there were no rules, and even that was more of a guideline than a rule. Sally Matricide, his cubemate, gave him a sly smile. “Working hard?” she asked.
“Hardly working,” he replied. A flirtatious office in-joke between Dirk and Sally was that when one asked a question, the other responded. The sexual tension between the two could have been cut by a knife, and not only because knives were allowed at Evilco. “How about you?”
“Set fire to an orphanage while you were out. It’s a new process I learned. Control-Arson-Delete. I just may get a bonus for that,” she said with a wicked smile. All corporate speak at Evilco was a euphemism. Bonus, for example, was a euphemism for a one-time pay increase.
“Sounds delicious. How would you like to leave early with me? I’m boning up for a 666 Sigma seminar this weekend, and I could use an assistant.” Boning up was a euphemism for sex with a skeleton.
“I’m sure the Big Boss won’t mind,” Sally cackled. The cackle was because the Big Boss was The Devil, and he wouldn’t mind if his employees left early because he’s the CEO of Evilco, a corporation whose motto is: Infinite Evil Infinitely. Infinity is forever and so if the employees leave early he’s still paying them and it’s all a huge waste of money.
I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but Evilco represents Corporate America. They are all evil and all they do is burn money and cause people pain all day every day. They don’t literally burn money like set fire to it, but figuratively by losing it in the stock market and buying expensive cars and setting fire to it. Basically, that’s all evil and there’s a parallel to Evilco and so, down with the man! That’s what I’m trying to say with my cuttingly satiric metaphor on Capitalist America.
Back in the story, Sally and Dirk have clocked out, which they do by spinning around in a pentagram three times and spitting on a crucifix. Also kicking a kitten. “You know, this boning up could take me all night. I may need your assistance during the entire God-Damned process.” Dirk winked suggestively at Sally and felt comfortable swearing in his evil workplace.
“That will be no problem. I’ll just need to call my trusting husband and neglected children and them I have too much work to do and cannot care for them.” They approached the Hellevator and entered.
“Going down?” asked the bellman, eyes filled with flames.
The flames of Hades!
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