(We open on TV news. War. Conflict. Hate. And lots and lots and lots and lots of arguing adults. Pull out, Timmy and Sally are sitting on their couch, watching this. Timmy shuts off the TV, stands in front of it, hands on hips. He is an unhappy camper.)
TIMMY: For the love of Benji, these US leaders sure do yell a lot. It's enough to drive a boy and girl, ages ten and seven respectively, positively batty.
SALLY: I know what you mean, brother. Perhaps there is a way to bring the world together. A way to make everyone smile. What if I sang a song about happiness?
TIMMY: Oh, younger sister Sally, you sure are ignorant in the ways of the world. Songs don't bring people together. That's silly girl talk.
SALLY: I know you're right, Timmy. But then, what can we do? How can we make a difference? Recycling? Unicycling? Unicorning? Corn rowing? Or should we just stay here and avoid talking to strangers?
TIMMY: No, none of those could end all the conflict. I’m afraid there's really only one solution. Move to Canada.
SALLY: Canada? But I hear its cold up there, and the people speak French, and the sales tax is higher.
TIMMY: But there's no war and no fighting. And the music is better.
SALLY: Are you sure, Timmy?
VOICE: Now, just hold your horses there, Timmy and Sally. Don't turn your back on your country quite yet. Not if I have anything to say about it!
TIMMY & SALLY: Who are you?
(Dr. Man-Witch appears between them, through the magic of stopping the camera and restarting.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: I'm Dr. Man-Witch.
SALLY: Dr. What-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: No, Sally, Dr. Man-Witch.
SALLY: What’s a Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: It’s like a wizard. It is a wizard, in fact, just a sillier term for it.
SALLY: Why don’t you call yourself Dr. Wizard, Dr. Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: I was called that until recently, but it turns out there’s a different Dr. Wizard, and we certainly don’t want that Dr. Wizard to read this and run into any legal issues, do we Sally?
SALLY: What makes you think anybody’s reading this?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Fuck you, Sally.
TIMMY: Where did you come from?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Well, I was born in Detroit, but my family moved around a lot, so-
TIMMY: No, I mean just then? How did you appear like that?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Magic, my boy! Haven't you been listening? Because I have. And I don't like what I've been hearing. Canada, Timmy? Have you eaten their food?
TIMMY: Anyplace is better than here, is all I'm saying.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Whoa! That's a big talk for such a preteen boy. You're all set to give up your freedom, a freedom that was fought for so bravely, so longly, so muchly? Sally, what can you tell me about the Revolutionary War?
SALLY: Oh, plenty! In fact, I have song about it. Would you like to hear it, Dr. Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: That's so precious. Some other time. Now, what I can tell you about the Revolutionary War is a whole lot. It's an exciting tale, a tale about George Washington, Paul Revere, Benjamin Franklin, Tutankhamen, Charlemagne, and Sherlock Holmes, and how they fought for our freedom. Yours, Sally, and yours, Timmy.
SALLY: Mine, too, Dr. Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: That’s right, young Sally! But why tell you, when I can show you?
(Dr. Man-Witch puts his arms around the kids, pause. Nothing happens. Dr. Man-Witch looks up, confused, then smiles and nods, looks into camera. They disappear. What follows is the Revolutionary War story, narrated by Dr. Man-Witch, and told through cartoons, paintings and some photos.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: The Revolutionary War! Never before had a war been so... revolutionary. General George "G-Bill" Washington led his troops to victory against the villainous King George. KING GEORGE: (In a Cobra Commander voice.) Ha ha ha! You Americans will never get me, I'm all the way in England. In an impenetrable castle. None may challenge me. This I command! WASHINGTON: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, King Jerk! Come on, fellas!
PATRICK HENRY: Give me liberty or give me death. I'm not afraid of death. But my first choice is still liberty.
PAUL REVERE: Somebody's coming! They're wearing red coats. And they spell color with a u. It's the British.
BEN FRANKLIN: No one will come between me and my dreams! I see bifocals! Electricity! A dollar store with my name on it!
KING GEORGE: That's what you think, Benjamin Franklin! Prepare for eternity! WASHINGTON: Come on, men! The price of liberty is eternal vigilance. And vice versa. If we want our freedom we'll have to give them all we've got. Tippecanoe and Tyler, too! Not just one or the other. Both! Now who's with me?
DR. MAN-WITCH: And they fought! With guns! And cannons! And horses! And Indians! And break-dancers! And throwing stars! And puggles! And flying cars! And handbags! And the all-mighty atom bomb!
(Stock footage of explosion, mushroom cloud.)
WASHINGTON: Hey, stinky! Try this on for size! Impenetrable, eh? He hadn't reckoned with the power of our bomb. Thank you, Einstein.
EINSTEIN: Sprechen zie welcome!
PATRICK HENRY: I don't think those British will be bothering this continent for a long time. PAUL REVERE: And if they do, we'll be ready for them.
HORSE: Whinny!
BEN FRANKLIN: You said it, Thunder.
(Everyone laughs like the end of Thundercats. And back to the living room with Dr. Man-Witch and the kids.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: And that's how the United States blew up England.
TIMMY: But don't you see, Dr. Man-Witch? War is bad. It's the whole reason people keep yelling at each other. And shooting. And pushing and stuff. War stinks.
DR. MAN-WITCH: War stinks?!? Excuse me, lad of ten? Need I remind you that without war we wouldn't be here? War is what makes us who we are- individuals. War brings us together as a nation, and divides us by our party lines. You like parties, don't you Sally?
SALLY: I like singing, Dr. Man-Witch!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Jesus, talk about a one-track mind. I guess what I'm trying to say, kids, is that for all the death and destruction, once the dust settles everything is fixed. Take the Civil War for example. Second only to the Revolutionary War in the annals of my opinions on war. And it was all thanks to America's coolest President- Abraham Lincoln. Would you like to meet him?
TIMMY & SALLY: Yeah!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Fantastic!
TIMMY: But how can we meet Abraham Lincoln? Hasn't he been dead for 141 years?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Timmy, have you forgotten already that I'm a Man-Witch? Now, say the magic words along with me. Hocus-
TIMMY & SALLY: Hocus!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Pocus-
TIMMY & SALLY: Pocus!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Predicate pie!
TIMMY & SALLY: Predicate pie!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Bring us a tall befacial-haired guy!
TIMMY & SALLY: Bring us a tall befacial-haired guy!
(From their kitchen comes a beat. Abe Lincoln walks out holding a microphone. He begins to rap. This is intercut with Dr. Man-Witch & the kids doing cheesy rap dances.)
ABE: Yeah! Yeah! John Brown's in the house! William Garrison's in the house! Ulysses Grant's in the house! Alex Stephen's in the Senate! Yeah! I'm about to make this reconstruction radical, G! Yo, yo, yo, well my name is Abe Lincoln & I know what you're thinkin', "The 16th Prez" what have I been drinkin’! But I'm here to spread the word about the Civil War, & how a little disagreement led to blood and gore. Now the South they wanted slaves to do their dirty work, but the North thought this unfair and called them racist jerks, so the Union tried secedin’ which I found displeasin’, and all I need to kick some bigoted tail is a reason. I'll bring you mofos down like I's the wrath of God so if you mess with me you're crazier than Mary Todd. The South they were advancin' but the North they were defendin’ and the battle that raged felt like it never endin’. So I grew out my beard and I put on my hat and I left the Me Bedroom, started bustin’ a cap. There was Union to my left, to my right, front and back, they were sayin’, "We don't wanna give no rights to the blacks!" I said if that floats your boat then consider it sinkin’ cuz you crossed the wrong guy when you fucked with Abe Lincoln. Drop it!
(The beat drops and Abe picks it up by beat-boxing. When he finishes, he folds his arms and then, much like Dr. Man-Witch, disappears.)
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