SCHOLASTIC BOOK CLUB CATALOG- FOR KIDS!

Hey kids! We here at Scholastic have done it again! Our authors have written waaaaaaay too many books for their own good and we are forced to offer them at a discount to you beginning readers. As your parents and teachers know, reading is surprisingly important for snotty little precocious kids like you and your prettier sister, in order to make your brain grow big and strong and meaty, so you’ll remember to do the important things in life, like breathing, eating, hunting, tying your shoes, prancing and strumming, cleaning up after yourself and your prettier sister, atoning for your sins, and paying for your candy and toys BEFORE reselling them on the internet. So buy as many of these books as you possibly can, to realize your potential as a future CEO and consumer and owner of multitudes of books. Get to it, times a-wasting!

GARFIELD: BIGGER THAN THE WORLD- The latest collection of Garfield captures our own favorite fat cat doing what he does best, eating, sleeping and thinking in English- sarcastic English! Watch as the fattest cartoon tabby in this catalog terrorizes Odie, Jon, Nermal, Liz, Lyman, social niceties, Conservatism, Big Tobacco, Medium Tobacco and all your favorite characters. You’ll be rolling in the aisles (of your classroom!) with laughter when you finish this book, because the funniest strip is the last one! No peeking!

MURDERED BY THE ORIENT EXPRESS- A cast of colorful ethnic caricatures is systematically and brutally all at once and at the same exact time when a train runs them over. Whodunit? Was it the conductor? Yes.

THE FLAMMABLE ABC’S & 123’S LEARNING BOOK- Now you can learn the alphabet and increase your math skills while avoiding third-degree burns! Watch out! The Flammable ABC’s & 123’s Learning Book encourage young readers to learn- and fast- or they’ll char their precious flesh and possibly burn down their very own house! Count quickly and spell as if your life depends on, because odds are very likely it does, kids! We’ve also included the Flammable Fire Safety Pamphlet, which teaches you the basics, such as Stop, Drop and Roll, don’t touch hot surfaces and put down that burning pamphlet! Yes, The Flammable ABC’s & 123’s is a fun and exciting way to brush up on your basic skills and remind you of your very own mortality. Is that gas you smell, or education? Answer: Both!

1986 GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS- Complain if you must, but we all know that no new records have been broken in the past 25 years or so. It’s always going to be the same picture of that creepy witchlike lady with the long, curly fingernails and the fat twins on motor scooters and none of this has changed or will ever change. Never. Life is full of constants, which is what the Guinness Book is here to remind you. Freak people will always be freak people. Sorry, nerds! Also, the world is boring despite the presence of freak people. Sorry, non-nerds!

THE STORY PROBLEM BEHIND THE STORY PROBLEM- Michael Learnedish, author of the adult self-help tomes, “White Man, Colored Parachute,” and “Give Me Back My Cheese!” has turned his attention to the younger generation in this book about discovering the true meaning of the nature of the secret of things. The Story Problem Behind the Story Problem encourages kids to look beyond the empirical evidence of the question being asked to the true nature of what is needed to be known by the question which is being asked and beyond. Why exactly does Farmer Brown leave at 6:15 on the dot and travel in a parallel line with the 6:15 train and what’s the significance of their going to the same destination? Why are there 17 eggs and only 2 baskets with which to carry said eggs? When will you use this junk in real life? None of these questions and fewer aren’t unanswered in this book.

THE NEWBERY AWARDS: AN ILLUSTRATED HISTORY- Noel Coward once famously quipped, “Ah, yes, the Newbery Awards…” We couldn’t have put it better ourselves. The Newbery Awards: An Illustrated History offers a complete history of the ups and downs, highs and lows, the talls and the shorts of the most glamorous children’s book award ceremony outside of the Caldecott’s. Includes full color, scratch ‘n’ tear photos, amusing anecdotes and behind-the-scenes hook-ups. See Gary Paulsen and Sid Fleischman’s infamous kissfight! Lois Lowry fist-punching E.L. Konigsburg in the breadbasket! Read about Cynthia Voigt and Beverly Cleary drinking each other under the table! And get Laura Ingalls Wilder’s sardonic take on Newbery “Honors.” Scandalous, educational, cheap!

MEIN KAMPF 2: THE KLAMPFS- Picking up where the classic fascistic original left off, Mein Kampf 2: The Klampfs expands on Hitler’s legacy to include more recent examples of his ideology. Read about such classic Hitlerisms as Universal Health Care, performance-enhancing drugs, waging war for any reason, keeping music from being downloaded, and the rise of Dane Cook. Fun for all ages, and most creeds!