GOOD COP/BAD COP

Good Cop always looks both ways, regardless of the situation.

Bad Cop mixes his plaids and wears argyle and navy blue together with abandon.

Good Cop is critical, but not hypercritical (i.e. the sex was good, but not hypergood.)

Bad Cop has a heartbeat that goes, “Lub-dup, lub-dup, muthafucka!”

Good Cop makes an effort to start his day with a healthy, balanced breakfast and a conceited effort to wait until the very end of the day to evacuate it.

Bad Cop takes illegal drugs- over the counter!

Good Cop plays tenor sax at his Kiwanis Club meetings, which members admit is jauntily unnecessary.

Bad Cop licks the wrong side of postage stamps and returns them to their rack at the Post Office.

Good Cop always wears a crisp white shirt and Windsor-knotted black tie and always dresses to the left so everyone can keep tabs on his junk.

Bad Cop refuses to get his pet vaccinated for rabies because he doesn’t want a retarded kitten.

Good Cop visits his grandmother in the nursing home every day and gives a Power Point presentation on his day.

Bad Cop writes erotic fan fiction about Daniel LaRusso and Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.

Good Cop knows when he’s overstayed his welcome and leaves without saying good-bye or letting anyone know he’s left, so he won’t be a bother to anyone.

Bad Cop visits Banana Republic dressing rooms just so he can fart in their fancy pants.

Good Cop recycles everything, even picking through his neighbor’s garbage to remove their recyclables.

Bad Cop purposefully misuses punctuation marks;