THE BIG GAME

It was homecoming in Super Grover's Corners, and the local high school football team, The Crazy Cats, were taking on their big rivals, The Mighty Midgets. Dirk, Star Quarterback was filled with a mixture peppiness (from the Pep Rally) and cocksureness (from the Cockfight.) And yet there was still a sense of uncertainty, anxiety. Could he really win big for his team? His girlfriend Betty, Head Cheerleader had baked him celebratory cookies and partaken in the Annual Pre-Homecoming Dry Hump the night before, but there was still a lingering sense of dread, like a dead guy moldering in a linen closet in the wee hours of the night, or a freaky-looking ceiling fan, either or.

Reginald, the Evil Quarterback of the Mighty Midgets sneered at Dirk from across the county. "You'll never win this year, making it 12 straight years in a row!" he shouted to no one in particular, but generally to the Crazy Cats. Indeed, they had been the champions due the purity of their hearts, and the badassitude of their football skills. The townspeople generally rooted for the Crazy Cats, unless they were Midget alum, or evil or both, or new in town and didn't know better.

At last the previous paragraph ended and it was the Big Game. The Cats scored with an end-run pass and run to the end zone run pass. The Midgets diabolically scored through deceit and ten-hut touchdown passage. Then the Cats grabbed a fumble and scored a spike tackle field goal! The cheerleaders cheered! The crowd crowed! The mascot masked! It was exciting? Yes, it was exciting.

Then the score was tied suddenly and arbitrarily. Dirk was up for his big game-winning moment. He called the team in for a caucus. "Men," he said, "this is an auspicious moment. I'm about to win us the game. So just follow my lead and don't get in my way." They all magically agreed. Then they formed the football lineup thingy. The ball was snapped. Reginald went in for a tackle. Denied! He talked to the hand. Dirk kicked the ball directly through the goalpost. Swish! It was a miracle. Jesus took the wheel and carried Dirk through a series of footprints to victory for our sins. And the crowd wept and the cheerleaders almost died right there from pride. The Mighty Midgets escaped in their escape pod/school bus, vowing revenge and vengeance and to avenge this night. But Dirk knew the moment would last forever. There was no avengeance to be had. He was the greatest hero in the universe and that was all that mattered at that moment.

The years have been kind to Dirk. Every year, like a clockwork fruit, he wins the homecoming game. Betty is 95 years young and extraordinarily senile, but Dirk doesn't care, not all that much anyway. All that matters is The Big Game. The Big Game.

The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game. The Big Game.

The Big Game.