ACTION FIGURE WAREHOUSE LIQUIDATION SALE!

Everything Must Go! Many of your favorite action figures are on sale and need to be snatched up but good. But hey! Don’t forget these lesser-known-but-still-as-much-fun-and-someday-potentially-as-valuable-as-well.

-MOTORCYCLE COP: When Dane Patrick, the original Motorcycle Cop, was slain in the line of duty, his title and superpowers were passed on to Davey Datsun, a young cop who, once he dons the official helmet (included) and motorcycle (sold separately) becomes Motorcycle Cop! There can only be one (until the precinct buys another motorcycle.)

-FULLY-ARTICULATED LASS: Suzie Stormdoor fights evildoers through the use of all of your joints, including elbows, knees, shoulders, wrists, ankles, neck and knuckles. Fully-Articulated Lass can fight, dance, crouch, pivot, fold, spindle, and mutilate. And other things, too! So, so many other things. Imaginative!

-MAIL-ORDER POSTMAN: Meet Bruce, the Mail-Order Postman. He delivers himself! Convenience and excitement! Comes with other people’s mail! Illegal!

-SISTER OF FRIEND OF FLASH GORDON: Flash, Savior of the Universe! Linda Frizly is just a mild-mannered Administrative Assistant, but her brother Shane is friends with Flash Gordon! He says they went to the same technical college, and has pictures to prove it! Be two degrees from the King of the Impossible with this action figure, if you dare… to be two degrees from the King of the Impossible with this action figure.

-MOSTLY MOZART: The child prodigy has been reanimated to wreak havoc across the known universe! The evil Doctor Unibrow exhumed the corpse of the 17^th-century Austrian composer to lay siege on the universe and maybe compose some classical music and do the goofy butt thing from the movie. Alas, not all of the musician’s body could be used and the Doctor was forced to replace bits and pieces with other dead bodies. The ass is actually donated from the body of Salieri. Irony!

-CAT’S IN THE CRADLE KID: Young Harry has the amazing ability to be neglected. Order now and promise to play with him- then don’t! Repeat ad nauseam. Father figure not included.

-SK8ER BOI: An Avril Lavigne joke. Dated!

-LIFE-SIZE FRANKLIN PANGBORN: Now you can own everyone’s comedic foil, from W.C. Fields to Preston Sturges, Red Skelton to “Spanky” McFarland. Recreate your favorite moments from International House, Christmas in July and The Story of Mankind. Snooty, fussy, and just a wee bit “sissy,” the Life-Size Franklin Pangborn stands for everything good in life. But hurry and get yours today, there are only 96,000 in stock!