(Fade out. Fade in on Dr. Man-Witch and the kids doing various chores. Sally is folding Dracula’s laundry, Dr. Man-Witch is spit-polishing his shot glasses, and Timmy is filing his taxes. Frankenstein’s Monster supervises.)
SALLY: This stinks, Dr. Man-Witch.
DR. MAN-WITCH: I admit, it’s not a walk in the cake, but if you just grin and bear it for now, I’ll have us out of here in no time.
TIMMY: Boy, this 1040 EZ form is 1040 Hard.
DR. MAN-WITCH: You’re not helping, Timmy.
MONSTER: Growl! Less talk, more work!
(Dracula enters, chuckling and drinking coffee.)
DRACULA: How are my little slaves… slaving?
SALLY: You let us go, you evil space vampire!
DR. MAN-WITCH: You’ll never get away with this. We’ll revolt! We’ll strike! And then none of your precious chores will be done.
TIMMY: Do you claim the creature as a dependent, or is he technically no longer a minor?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Timmy, we’re taking a stand here! Besides, he’s clearly over twenty-one.
DRACULA: Ah, but you forget, it is I who have the power. You are stuck here as long as my force field is up. Once it’s down, you can come and go as you please. But the idea of you gaining access to my supercomputer and shutting down the power is so ridiculous, I scoff at the mere mention of it. Scoff! Now, the creature and I have a double date with… destiny. And her roommate.
(Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster exit, arm in arm.)
SALLY: We’re doomed!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Never say die, Sally. Except as the singular of dice.
TIMMY: But she’s right. We’re gonna be trapped on Neptune forever!
DR. MAN-WITCH: You’d think so. But you’d be wrong! Because I have a plan.
SALLY: I do, too! And it’s a song! Wanna hear it?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Tell you what- I’ll take a rain check. Now, here’s the plan.
(The three huddle together and whisper watermelon to each other. Fade out. Fade in on Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster returning from their double date.)
DRACULA: Who knew destiny would be so… clingy?
MONSTER: Growl! Her roommate had a unibrow.
DRACULA: As they say, all’s fair in love and… stuff. Good night.
(They leave. Dr. Man-Witch and the kids sneak into the room. They all have mustaches.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: We must be very quiet, and very fast.
(They sneak over to the desk where the supercomputer is located. Dr. Man-Witch pulls the chair out, and it squeaks. The others flinch. He sits down, and it creaks. Again with the flinching. He turns on the computer, which loudly proclaims that Dracula has mail. The others try to muffle the sound.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Now, where are the force field controls? Would they be under Applications? My Documents? Oh, they’re right here on the desk top. Christ on a croissant! It’s password-protected. Wouldn’t you know it? So close, yet so far. Could this situation be sautéed in a wronger sauce?
TIMMY: Maybe he keeps his password nearby.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Dracula? The Dark Lord? Superintendent of the Undead? You think he would keep his password right next to his supercomputer?
SALLY: Is this it?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Let me see.
(Sally hands him a piece of paper sitting next to the computer. Dr. Man-Witch types the code on the paper into the computer. The computer proclaims he now has access to the force field controls.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Dracul. I misoverestimated you. Now, just hit the down arrow key here. Oh, wait. Need to hold down F12 at the same time. And… there. The force fields are down. Now, there’s nothing keeping us here.
DRACULA: Or… is there?
DR. MAN-WITCH: No.
(Dr. Man-Witch puts his arms around the kids. He disappears. Timmy disappears. Sally stands, waiting to disappear. Dr. Man-Witch reappears, puts his arm around her and they both disappear.)
DRACULA: I can’t believe they outsmarted me!
MONSTER: Growl! You should really be more protective of your passwords.
DRACULA: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
(Cut to the living room. Dr. Man-Witch and the kids appear, seated on the couch.)
TIMMY: That was close!
DR. MAN-WITCH
Sure was. Lucky for us, Dracula was too proud to hide his password. And none of it would have been possible without the crack detective work of little Cindy here.
SALLY: Sally.
DR. MAN-WITCH: That’s nice, dear. Great work like that shouldn’t go unrewarded. And that’s why I think you should grace us with a song.
SALLY: Really? You mean it, Dr. Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Better start squawking before I change my mind.
SALLY: Okay!
(Cheesy synth music begins. This sequence is shot with soft focus and lots of fades and edits. Dr. Man-Witch is playing the keyboard, and Timmy is playing the tambourine. They all sway as they sing.)
SALLY: Jesus loves America more than any other country in the USA,
TIMMY: And with its overflowing awesomeness it’s so easy to see why He feels that way.
TIMMY & SALLY: From mountain high to river wet, our nation takes the white rosette!
ALL: America the beauteous, no one can dare disputeous. America the beauteous, all arguments are mooteous.
DR. MAN-WITCH: From the monuments to the shopping malls,
SALLY: Beauty fills you up from your earholes to your eyebahahahahahahahalls!
ALL: America the beauteous, our own horns are the tootiest. America the Beauteous, our minds are the astutiest. America the beauteous, looking snazzy in our pantsuiteous. America the Beauteous, hear us singing your tributeous. For America is everything and everything is love.
(The three of them end the song in a cheesy pose. Fade out. Fade in, Dr. Man-Witch is preparing to leave.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Well, kids, I hoped you both learned an important lesson today.
TIMMY & SALLY: We sure did!
TIMMY: I learned that Abraham Lincoln has mad skillz!
SALLY: And I learned Dracula lives on Neptune and goes on double dates with Frankenstein’s Monster!
DR. MAN-WITCH: And we all learned that the U.S. States of America is and are the greatest states of the Union. Which is the most important lesson of all time. But now, I’m afraid it’s time to go.
TIMMY & SALLY: No, no, please don’t go, etc. ad-libbing!!!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Sorry, kids, but there are others out there who need me. Your tired, your poor, your masses all huddled together in a big blob of people. Never forget, when you need me, you can find me. Here. (Points to Sally’s heart.) Here. (Points to Timmy’s head.) Or here. (Points off-screen, cut to the exterior of an apartment complex.) And all you have to do is say the magic words. Higgledy.
TIMMY & SALLY: Higgledy!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Piggledy!
TIMMY & SALLY: Piggledy!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Ted and Alice.
TIMMY & SALLY: Ted and Alice!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Bring all the fun and leave all the malice! Bye kids!
(He disappears.)
TIMMY & SALLY: Bye! Bye!
(End credits play over montage of stills, America the Beauteous song. After credits, cut to Timmy & Sally sitting on the couch. Dr. Man-Witch reappears.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Have you kids seen my keys? No? There's a little froggy keychain... Okay. Thanks anyway. Where did I put those-
(He disappears again.)
-fin-
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