DR. MAN-WITCH IN: AMERICA THE BEAUTEOUS- PART 2

DR. MAN-WITCH: Wasn't that fun, kids?
TIMMY: I admit, rap music is dope, but isn't this just another example of parents fighting? Why does there have to be so much war? Who can stop it? When can we have peace? How many roads must a man walk down before-
DR. MAN-WITCH: Hang on, Timmy, hang on there. You’re a very inquisitive boy! You’ll have to work on that. Now, war is only part of the many facets which make this a great nation. There's also innovation. Invention. Why, the United States has invented some of the greatest machines known to man. The Ferris wheel. The horseless carriage. The carriageless horse! The two dollar bill. Magazine subscriptions. The backwards baseball cap. But perhaps the greatest American invention is one of the first: the cotton gin. First assembled by Eli Whitney in 1792 in a fit of rage after an unsuccessful make out session, the cotton gin combines two of America's favorite elements, cotton and gin. It's poetic in its simplicity. So simple, you can make one from items found around the home. What do you say, Timmy?
TIMMY: I like inventing!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Oh, you silly lad. The cotton gin has already been invented. You can't invent it again. That's copyright fraud. And trust me, you don't want the patent office on you. They're vicious. Now! Who has cotton?
(Awkward star-swipe. Dr. Man-Witch and the kids are wearing protective goggles and are in the kitchen. As Dr. Man-Witch lists of ingredients, he holds them up, and as he describes the process, he does what he describes.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Making your own cotton gin is a fun way to pass the time on a rainy day. Or a weekend at Grandma’s! All you need is a little bit of cotton, and a whole lotta gin. You also need: a large bowl or bucket; a whisk; a slotted spoon; a fake ID; eighty-seven cents in nickels, dimes and pennies; a Danielle Steele novel; and an unopened container of honey-roasted peanuts. I prefer Planters, but any brand will do. Oh! And don’t forget to wear either safety goggles or a hairnet.
SALLY: Why do you need those, Dr. Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Authenticity. You see, historians believe Eli Whitney wore either safety goggles or a hairnet when first inventing the cotton gin. Some say he wore both! This is most likely why his make out session was unsuccessful. Now, the first thing you do is take your cotton, in this case Timmy has graciously offered up one of his cotton t-shirts.
TIMMY: It’s a cotton-poly blend, actually.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Doesn’t really matter. Next, you whisk the cotton, until it’s wrinkled and porous. Next, you take the gin, and this is where the fake ID and the eighty-seven cents come in. Make sure to buy the cheapest gin you can find, this should cost exactly eighty-seven cents. You pour the gin through the slotted spoon, and stir. Do this for about three minutes. Whisk again, and let sit for twenty-seven minutes. This is where the Danielle Steele novel and honey-roasted peanuts come in. A Danielle Steele novel takes exactly twenty-seven minutes to read, and eating the honey-roasted peanuts will make you feel like you’re on an airplane! Fun!
(Dr. Man-Witch eats a peanut and opens his book. Another awkward star-swipe.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Okay. It’s been exactly twenty-seven minutes. I know because I finished my Danielle Steele novel.
TIMMY: Me, too!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Isn’t science fun? Well, let’s take a look at our cotton gin.
(Dr. Man-Witch pulls from the bucket what appears to be a miniature cotton gin.)
TIMMY: Cool!
SALLY: It’s so cute!
DR. MAN-WITCH: It’s both cool and cute. And it's so easy!
TIMMY: And fun!
SALLY: (To her cotton gin.)I love you!
DR. MAN-WITCH: And it's fully functional. But you don't have to take my word for it.
(Pause.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: But, take my word for it, anyway.
(Awkward smiles and an awkward star swipe take us out of that scene’s and back into the living room.)
SALLY: Gosh, that was fun, Dr. Man-Witch!
DR. MAN-WITCH: And educational. I like to call it edufun…tional. I’m still working on that. What do you kids want to learn about next?
TIMMY: Cowboys!
SALLY: Singing!
TIMMY: Firemen!
SALLY: V. C. Andrews!
TIMMY: Reggie Jackson!
SALLY: Exclamation!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Kids, kids, kids! We can learn about all of these things. Except for V.C. Andrews, she’s a registered trademark. And I know nothing about firemen. But that’s beside the point. We’re not thinking big enough here, and what I have in mind is big indeed. How would you kids like to take a trip into outer space?
TIMMY & SALLY: Yay!
DR. MAN-WITCH: That’s what I thought.
SALLY: But what does outer space have to do with America, Dr. Man-Witch?
DR. MAN-WITCH: What does outer space have to do with America? The flag on the moon. How did it get there? America. The Mars photos. Where were they developed? America. Pluto. Who had a dog named Pluto? Mickey Mouse. And what’s more American than Mickey Mouse? Seriously, Sally, why do you question me? I’m a doctor and a Man-Witch, what more do you want? Now, I can take you two to Neptune, but first you’ll have to say the magic words with me. Ready? Presto!
TIMMY & SALLY: Presto!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Change-o!
TIMMY & SALLY: Change-o!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Ei ei poo!
TIMMY & SALLY: Ei ei poo!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Take us to Neptune, lickety-sploo!
TIMMY & SALLY: Take us to Neptune, lickety-sploo!
(Dr. Man-Witch disappears. Timmy disappears. Sally looks around, looks off-screen, appears to receive direction, walks off-screen quickly. Cut to Neptune, where the three are all standing together. Neptune looks a lot like someone’s basement with black construction paper and those glow in the dark stars on the wall.)
DR. MAN-WITCH: Here it is, kids. Neptune. The eighth planet in our solar system, fourth largest planet by diameter, and third largest by mass, primary exports are helium, hydrogen and methane, capital city Montpelier, it’s named after soul sensation Solomon Burke. And the atmosphere supposedly has a slight banana aftertaste, but I’ve never noticed it. Now if you look off to the left and squint just a bit, you can see a pattern in the stars that looks like a smallmouth bass in a Members Only jacket driving a Ford Festiva. That’s the constellation Laurence Tureaud.
(From someplace, a loud moaning.)
TIMMY: What was that?
DR. MAN-WITCH: Nothing to worry about, Timmy. It’s just the planet settling.
(The moaning continues.)
SALLY: I’m scared, Dr. Man-Witch!
DR. MAN-WITCH: No need to be scared, Sally. There’s no life on Neptune. In fact, that’s why astronauts have yet to colonize it, because it’s boring. Now, if you’ll follow me, I’ll show you how the other side of the planet looks exactly like this one.
(They start to walk away, but are stopped when Frankenstein’s monster appears.)
MONSTER: Growl!
(The kids scream. Dracula appears, chuckling.)
DRACULA: Down, creature! You’ll frighten our… guests.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Incredible. Here we’ve thought all these years that Neptune was uninhabititatified.
DRACULA: Ah, but you were wrong. For you see, I… live here.
SALLY: Are you gonna hurt us, Mister?
DRACULA: I never hurt… guests. My name is… Dracul.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Ragu?
DRACULA: Dracul.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Drock Ewell?
DRACULA: Dracula, okay?
TIMMY: Dracula’s not real, it’s just a stupid story, and an Academy award-winning movie.
DRACULA: Ah, but I am very real. And this is my… creature.
MONSTER: Growl!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Ragu?
MONSTER: GROWL!!!
DRACULA: Back, monster! I apologize for my creature, he is not used to… company.
SALLY: I’m scared, Dr. Man-Witch!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Don’t worry, Sally. This Ragu fellow seems harmless.
DRACULA: Oh, I’m not harmless. I can be quite dangerous. I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him… get shot. But I have a strict no-shooting policy for my guests! No, my guests are simply… made into my slaves.
TIMMY: Slaves? But Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery all by his bad self!
DRACULA: On your planet, maybe. Here on Neptune, we follow our… own rules.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Absoludicrous! We don’t have to put with this! Come on, kids, let’s blow this gas giant.
MONSTER: GROWL!!!
DRACULA: I think you’ll find any attempt to escape quite… fruitless.
DR. MAN-WITCH: Him? We can take him. Go on, Timmy, take him.
DRACULA: Ah, but can you escape my… force field?
DR. MAN-WITCH: You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?
DRACULA: I’m afraid so, Doctor. The force field is… perfect. Aside from a slight banana aftertaste.
SALLY: I’m scared, Dr. Man-Witch!
TIMMY: Me, too!
MONSTER: Growl!
DR. MAN-WITCH: Don’t worry, kids. I’ll think of something.