For one, brief, magical moment, I was employed by the good folks at Family Feud. My task was simple: create questions with which to survey the populace. Then I was canned. I guess the world wasn’t ready to answer my questions! Which of course are listed below.
“Name a country you wouldn’t feel guilty about invading?”
“An unpopular use for a Number Two pencil?”
“Potential titles for a sequel to Nell?”
“The most forgettable member of your immediate family?”
“The Bronte sister you normally spank it to?”
“Your grandfather’s favorite racial slur?”
“Name the celebrity whose flesh would taste the most delectable?”
“The most suicidal thought you can come up with?”
“Name a famous Redenbaucher.”
“The most unexpected place you’ve pooped?”
“Name a hat seen in the opening credits of Blossom?”
“The first thing that pops into your head?”
Showing posts with label Script Doctor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Script Doctor. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
SCRIPT DOCTOR: GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
Now I know what you’re thinking to yourself, and no, I didn’t attempt to touch up the Pulitzer Prize winning playwright’s Pulitzer Prize winning play. I was asked to assist in the writing of the Blake monologue, which was added for the film adaptation. Needless to say, my genius went unnoticed yet again. But you can totally notice it. You better notice it! Or you can hit the bricks, pal!
-“Put that coffee down. Put it down. Coffee is for closers only. If you get a sit, you can have some decaf. Water is for salesmen working overtime. Any part-time employees must hold their breath until their shift is done; this oxygen is not for you! Any questions? This is all delineated in the handout, too.”
-“What’s my name? My cuff links cost more than your kidneys, that’s my name. You drove here in a Mercury Topaze; I took a solid gold helicopter to get here tonight, which I took underwater. That’s my name! Scooby Merced, that’s my porn star name!”
-“We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Fourth prize is a TV/VCR combo. Fifth prize is we set your house on fire. Sixth prize is a year’s subscription to Rolling Stone. There is no seventh prize. Eighth prize is we poison your dog. This is also delineated in the handout.”
-“You know what it takes to sell real estate? (Blake produces a pair of brass balls.) It takes brass balls to sell real estate. (He then produces googly eye glasses.) It also takes googly eyes. And a carrot nose. Sorry, I ate the carrot on the way here.”
-“ABC, Always Be Closing, Always Be Closing. Also, AIDA, Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Remember that. Live by it. Also, LMNOP. Just keep repeating it to yourself, LMNOP, LMNOP. If you can figure out something for that to stand for, you win a set of steak knives.”
-“Put that coffee down. Put it down. Coffee is for closers only. If you get a sit, you can have some decaf. Water is for salesmen working overtime. Any part-time employees must hold their breath until their shift is done; this oxygen is not for you! Any questions? This is all delineated in the handout, too.”
-“What’s my name? My cuff links cost more than your kidneys, that’s my name. You drove here in a Mercury Topaze; I took a solid gold helicopter to get here tonight, which I took underwater. That’s my name! Scooby Merced, that’s my porn star name!”
-“We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Fourth prize is a TV/VCR combo. Fifth prize is we set your house on fire. Sixth prize is a year’s subscription to Rolling Stone. There is no seventh prize. Eighth prize is we poison your dog. This is also delineated in the handout.”
-“You know what it takes to sell real estate? (Blake produces a pair of brass balls.) It takes brass balls to sell real estate. (He then produces googly eye glasses.) It also takes googly eyes. And a carrot nose. Sorry, I ate the carrot on the way here.”
-“ABC, Always Be Closing, Always Be Closing. Also, AIDA, Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Remember that. Live by it. Also, LMNOP. Just keep repeating it to yourself, LMNOP, LMNOP. If you can figure out something for that to stand for, you win a set of steak knives.”
Monday, November 24, 2008
SCRIPT DOCTOR: THE INFAMOUS YOGURT COMMERCIAL!
Sad news, comrades and comrettes! I've now officially been rejected from the lucrative world of commercials. Which is extra sad because my ideas were terrific, forward-thinking, innovative, edgy and terrific. I was specifically writing for the yogurt campaign in which two women eating the most delicious yogurt ever compare it to other pleasures of life to illustrate its yumminess. For some reason, the company did not care for suggestions, which for your pleasure I have compiled here. You're welcome!
-This is like drinking an entire bottle of Scotch good.
-This is like taking a dump in your backyard good.
-This is like Robocop good- and that's my favorite movie ever!
-This is like drowning a puppy good- a sackful of puppies!
-This is like making racist comments and not caring who hears you good.
-This is like calling in sick and then contracting a nasty virus and going in to work the next day anyway good.
-This is like baking a dead mouse in your three-year-old's birthday cake good.
-This is like penis in my vagina good.
-This is like getting married in a little Parisian villa and taking his name and evading tax fraud good.
-This is like setting fire to a hobo village by urinating on it and rubbing two sticks together until they ignite good.
-This is like exchanging all your wedding presents for Ecstasy good.
-This is like Hall and Oates making out with each other while Seals and Crofts watch, and then they switch partners good.
-This is like telling your kids their invisible friends are prettier than them good.
-This is like stalking a married co-worker and half the time pretending like it's a joke and sending threatening letters in pregnancy test boxes good.
-This is like the other brand of yogurt I really like good.
-This is like drinking an entire bottle of Scotch good.
-This is like taking a dump in your backyard good.
-This is like Robocop good- and that's my favorite movie ever!
-This is like drowning a puppy good- a sackful of puppies!
-This is like making racist comments and not caring who hears you good.
-This is like calling in sick and then contracting a nasty virus and going in to work the next day anyway good.
-This is like baking a dead mouse in your three-year-old's birthday cake good.
-This is like penis in my vagina good.
-This is like getting married in a little Parisian villa and taking his name and evading tax fraud good.
-This is like setting fire to a hobo village by urinating on it and rubbing two sticks together until they ignite good.
-This is like exchanging all your wedding presents for Ecstasy good.
-This is like Hall and Oates making out with each other while Seals and Crofts watch, and then they switch partners good.
-This is like telling your kids their invisible friends are prettier than them good.
-This is like stalking a married co-worker and half the time pretending like it's a joke and sending threatening letters in pregnancy test boxes good.
-This is like the other brand of yogurt I really like good.
Monday, November 10, 2008
SCRIPT DOCTOR'S SUPER-EARLY CHRISTMAS GIFT: IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE!
What a special surprising treat of a surprise I have for you! My rejected touch-ups for It's a Wonderful Life! A delectable doggy-bag of leftover dialogue, love them like their were your favorite kid!
Clarence: Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends. Unless they aren't cool friends. Then, you're pretty much a failure.
Zuzu: Look, Daddy, Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
George: They're teaching religion at your school? See, Mary, this is why I'm so opposed to public education. "Angel gets his wings..." what, are you taking special ed classes? Jesus.
George: What is it you want, Mary? You want the moon? I'll get you the moon. One of these days, bang zoom!
Mr. Potter: You once called me a warped, frustrated old man. Then I got my Glamour shots!
George: I'm shaking the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, Clive, Windsor Heights, Wells Fargo Arena, Jordan Creek Town Center, Buzzard Billy's.
Clarence: Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? I know Kevin Bacon knows what I'm talking about. Am I right?
Mary: Is this the ear you can't hear on? (Whispers) George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die. And at that point, I'll stop loving you, and focus my affection on my true love- Nascar!
George: This is terrible! No one knows who I am.
Harvey: You think that's bad, try not being seen.
Mr. Potter: Why, the whole town knows you've been giving money to Violet Bick. And by money, I mean sweet, sweet lovin'. And by Violet Bick, I mean me. So, really, I'm telling you, in an extremely convoluted code, that the whole town knows of our affair. Well, that's Capraporn.
Clarence: Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends. Unless they aren't cool friends. Then, you're pretty much a failure.
Zuzu: Look, Daddy, Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
George: They're teaching religion at your school? See, Mary, this is why I'm so opposed to public education. "Angel gets his wings..." what, are you taking special ed classes? Jesus.
George: What is it you want, Mary? You want the moon? I'll get you the moon. One of these days, bang zoom!
Mr. Potter: You once called me a warped, frustrated old man. Then I got my Glamour shots!
George: I'm shaking the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, Clive, Windsor Heights, Wells Fargo Arena, Jordan Creek Town Center, Buzzard Billy's.
Clarence: Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? I know Kevin Bacon knows what I'm talking about. Am I right?
Mary: Is this the ear you can't hear on? (Whispers) George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die. And at that point, I'll stop loving you, and focus my affection on my true love- Nascar!
George: This is terrible! No one knows who I am.
Harvey: You think that's bad, try not being seen.
Mr. Potter: Why, the whole town knows you've been giving money to Violet Bick. And by money, I mean sweet, sweet lovin'. And by Violet Bick, I mean me. So, really, I'm telling you, in an extremely convoluted code, that the whole town knows of our affair. Well, that's Capraporn.
Monday, October 20, 2008
SCRIPT DOCTOR- SWEET CHRIST PASSION EDITION!
Bonjour y'all! Script Doctor again, sharing once more with you the shouldabeens of your favorite films. This entry focuses on Mel Gibson's mangnum opus, The Passion of the Christ. Say three Hail Marys and enjoy!
Jesus: Judas... you betray the Son of Man with a kiss? And no tongue even?
John: Ugh! Jesus's blood tastes skunky.
Peter: No wonder, the born-on date's 12-25-0.
Mary Magdalene: Yes, I was a whore, but I've changed my ways. My past is my cross to bear. Oh, sorry, Jesus.
Jesus: God, must I die for everyone's sins? I mean, isn't that a bit excessive?
God: Fine, you don't have to die for Patti Smith's sins.
James: Thomas, do you think this is really his body?
Thomas: Doubtful.
Pontius Pilate: You may think you're leaving a legacy, Christ, but you're not the only one. Many years from now, people all over the world will lose weight and tone up through my revolutionary aerobics exercise, Pilates.
Satan: And lo, I will bring upon the world locusts, and floods, and fires, and at least four Lethal Weapons.
Mary: Son, you've been such a positive influence. How do you do it?
Jesus: It's simple, really. I just ask myself, What Would I Do?
Herod: Jesus has died, and has risen from the dead, but can he get Beyond Thunderdome?
Jesus: Judas... you betray the Son of Man with a kiss? And no tongue even?
John: Ugh! Jesus's blood tastes skunky.
Peter: No wonder, the born-on date's 12-25-0.
Mary Magdalene: Yes, I was a whore, but I've changed my ways. My past is my cross to bear. Oh, sorry, Jesus.
Jesus: God, must I die for everyone's sins? I mean, isn't that a bit excessive?
God: Fine, you don't have to die for Patti Smith's sins.
James: Thomas, do you think this is really his body?
Thomas: Doubtful.
Pontius Pilate: You may think you're leaving a legacy, Christ, but you're not the only one. Many years from now, people all over the world will lose weight and tone up through my revolutionary aerobics exercise, Pilates.
Satan: And lo, I will bring upon the world locusts, and floods, and fires, and at least four Lethal Weapons.
Mary: Son, you've been such a positive influence. How do you do it?
Jesus: It's simple, really. I just ask myself, What Would I Do?
Herod: Jesus has died, and has risen from the dead, but can he get Beyond Thunderdome?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
SCRIPT DOCTOR: HARRY POTTER EDITION!
Greetings! 'Tis I, the Script Doctor, woefully misused but still swinging (aka script-doctoring.) Today, I'd like to provide for you my touch-ups for the fourth in the Harry Potter franchise, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Harry: Voldemort has no nose.
Dumbledore: How does he smell?
Harry: Like ass!
Hermione: Ron, why are carrying that turkey?
Ron: I thought it was the giblet of fire.
Hagrid: You are a stupid red-headed boy.
Krum: I'm the coolest kid in the school!
McGonagall: Not with that 'tude, Mister.
Krum: Ouch! Slammed by Best Actress 1969.
Flitwick: Try as they will, try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night.
Mme Olympe Maxime: I'm thinking of starting a gentlemen's magazine, which would contain scantily clad models and celebrities on the cover and throughout its pages.
Snape: What would you name it?
Maxime: FHM, of course.
Harry: Cho Chang, you must be a world-class witch, for you have put a spell on me.
Cho Chang: Harry Potter, I told you, I don't date guys with head scars.
Harry: What about Gorbachev?
Cho Chang: That's a birthmark, boy wizard.
Rita: Actually, Skeeter's my middle name. My full name is Rita Skeeter Libby.
Dumbledore: Please stop talking to me.
Fleur Delacour: Zut alors! Mes amis et moi aime le magic. Ooh la la! Creme de la creme! Sacre bleu etc!
Hermione: Christ on a cross, my name is hard to pronounce.
Harry: Voldemort has no nose.
Dumbledore: How does he smell?
Harry: Like ass!
Hermione: Ron, why are carrying that turkey?
Ron: I thought it was the giblet of fire.
Hagrid: You are a stupid red-headed boy.
Krum: I'm the coolest kid in the school!
McGonagall: Not with that 'tude, Mister.
Krum: Ouch! Slammed by Best Actress 1969.
Flitwick: Try as they will, try as they might, who steals me gold won't live through the night.
Mme Olympe Maxime: I'm thinking of starting a gentlemen's magazine, which would contain scantily clad models and celebrities on the cover and throughout its pages.
Snape: What would you name it?
Maxime: FHM, of course.
Harry: Cho Chang, you must be a world-class witch, for you have put a spell on me.
Cho Chang: Harry Potter, I told you, I don't date guys with head scars.
Harry: What about Gorbachev?
Cho Chang: That's a birthmark, boy wizard.
Rita: Actually, Skeeter's my middle name. My full name is Rita Skeeter Libby.
Dumbledore: Please stop talking to me.
Fleur Delacour: Zut alors! Mes amis et moi aime le magic. Ooh la la! Creme de la creme! Sacre bleu etc!
Hermione: Christ on a cross, my name is hard to pronounce.
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