CUBICLE, PART VII. CORPORATE SPIRIT GUIDE

(Mary and Gary exit stage-right where Amos and Butch are being lectured by Chad while Amy looks on. Chad has a briefcase from which he removes the props.)

CHAD
In order to succeed in this competition, you need brass balls. (He removes brass balls from his briefcase.) You get me? You also need springy eyes (He removes and puts on springy eyes.) And you need rabbit ears! (Does the same.) And you need a carrot nose. Sorry I ate the carrot on the way here.

BUTCH
I’ve got all those things in spades. I’m gonna rock this Big Presentation, and knock the Japanese’s socks off! Especially because they won’t be wearing shoes.

AMOS
I don’t understand how the rabbit ears are supposed to help, unless we’re providing Easter eggs.

CHAD
You think is supposed to be funny? You think this is a joke? You think you got what takes, kid? I can tell just by looking at you that you don’t. You’re a loser, a waste of space. You’re like tonic water without the eighty-proof gin, a stray dog without the rabies, a decorative plate without the certificate of authenticity.

AMY
Amos?!? Is this true? Because I can’t have that. No way, no how, no way! If we go down, I go down and I am taking you down with me, so tell me straight up, are you in it to win it?

AMOS
Trust me, I have an ace up my sleeve, and a Jack in my pants. I can win this thing, for you and for me and for everyone everywhere.

BUTCH
Don’t listen to him Madame CEO, he lies through his teeth, and when he cries.

AMY
You guys better understand how important this is. Chad here brought a chart to show you how much money this merger will bring to the company. Let’s show them.

(Amy and Chad remove a paper, which they unfold like a banner by walking away from one another. The banner reads, “Lots and Lots of $$$!!”!.)

CHAD
And these numbers are ninety-nine percent accurate.

BUTCH
Great Caesar’s Snowpants!

AMY
Now to shock you, we also calculated how much we could stand to lose if the merger fails.

(Chad removes a piece of paper with a minus sign in front of the, “Lots and Lots of $$$!!!”.)

BUTCH
It boggles the mind.

AMOS
Yahtzees it, even!

AMY
Boys, we can all agree these numbers Jenga the mind. And we’re counting on you. We’re counting on you to Connect Four our minds with your Big Presentations.

BUTCH
You can count on me, Madame CEO. I could win this competition right now with my eyes closed and my hair styled.

AMY
It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s Mr. Newbie here. Are you all set, Amos?

AMOS
Well, I have a basic outline of a germ of an idea…

CHAD
We should be thankful we have Butch here, who will surely be the winner of The Big Presentation. Maybe we should call the competition right here and now for Butch, and cut the dead weight while our metaphorical knives are figuratively sharp.


AMOS
No, don’t! I’ll show you, I swear it! I work best under pressure. I gave up smoking cold turkey, and cigarettes. Besides, with your expectations so low, I’m certain to exceed them no matter what I do.

CHAD
Ha! That’s almost as rich as I am.

AMY
You better pray for a miracle, Amos, or a natural disaster.

BUTCH
I’ve got my eye on you, Newbie. One false move and I’ll snare you like a drum! A bass drum!

(They all exit. Amos looks upward.)

AMOS
God, Vishnu, Ghost Dad, whoever’s listening… I’m not a very religious person, the only time I prayed it was for a decent cup of coffee, a prayer which was answered, by the way, but this is even more important. I need to ace this Big Presentation. I need to eviscerate Butch off the face of the payroll. So I’m looking for some guidance here. I need a sign or a message, a leaflet or something. Please help me, God. I’ll be your best friend.

(Kendra enters.)

KENDRA
Amos? Amos Newbie?

AMOS
Who’s asking?

KENDRA
It is I, Kendra, Corporate Spirit Guide.

AMOS
Hey, I remember you, from Workplace Appropriateness.

KENDRA
That’s correct!

AMOS
But, what are you doing here?

KENDRA
I’m here to assist you, Amos Newbie. To guide you along your spiritual path up the Corporate Ladder. I heard your call for help, in your thin, reedy voice. I’m here to make sure your Big Presentation is a complete success, for it is your destiny to succeed in this endeavor. But I have already revealed too much.

AMOS
My destiny to succeed? Do I eventually become CEO?

KENDRA
Yes, but I have already revealed too much.

AMOS
Do I become rich and powerful beyond my wildest dreams?

KENDRA
Yes, but I have already revealed too much.

AMOS
What kind of car will I drive?

KENDRA
An El Camino, but I have already revealed too much.


AMOS
How do you know so much about me?

KENDRA
I’m a Spirit Guide, we’re like the Wikipedia of the Netherworld. But we must act fast, we haven’t much time. The Big Presentations are in two days.

AMOS
Two days! I’ll never be ready in time. Then my destiny won’t be fulfilled, causing a flux in the time-space continuum altering the fate of all mankind and thrusting us all closer and closer to apocalypse. Just like my last job!

KENDRA
Don’t worry, Amos Newbie. I can’t let that happen, not on my watch. Or else it’ll be curtains for me, and I don’t mean drapes!

AMOS
Everyone keeps saying that, is it a thing I’m not hip to?

KENDRA
Perhaps not now, but you will be, Newbie. You will be. Newbie. Now, come on!

(Kendra drags Amos stage left, as fast and upbeat training music begins. In pantomime, she takes him through a strict training regimen, including jumping jacks, sit-ups, running in place, hand gestures, writing notes, referring to notes and gazing at the audience, shadowboxing, clicking on a slideshow clicker, and taking questions from the audience. When training is done, music stops.)


KENDRA
Not bad, not bad. You’re beginning to get the hang of it. And just in time, too. The Big Presentation is in forty-five minutes.

AMOS
I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Kendra. I’m too scared. I have a fear of public speaking. What if I get up there and they all laugh at me, or I forget everything I was going to say, or there are bees?

KENDRA
Calm down, Amos Newbie. You’re going to be just fine.

AMOS
No I won’t! I’m going to get up there and my mind will go blank and I’ll pass out and die and no one will love me!

KENDRA
Don’t worry, most of those things won’t happen. Don’t you remember my training video?